Well, this is it. After tonight we’ll have our second ever winner of “The Voice.”
Can that person expect more success in the industry than Javier Colon? Only time will tell, but based on what we’ve seen from the contenders so far… I’m not holding my breath.
Still, it could be a fun show. I can’t even handle “American Idol” any more with those judges and the “talent” they’ve trotted out over the past few seasons, so all my eggs are in “The Voice’s” basket.
Mistake? Let’s find out…
9:00 p.m. ET Carson introduces the coaches one last time: Adam sticks out his tongue, Cee-Lo is wearing a t-shirt with the names of all his fallen team members, Christina is looking cocky and Blake is there to have fun.
9:01 p.m. We’re reminded who’s actually competing: Tony, Juliet, Chris and Jermaine. Oh yeah, them.
9:02 p.m. Carson Daly: “It’s going down tonight!”
9:03 p.m. The clip package of last night’s show reminds us that Christina cried, Christina was mean to Tony, Christina sang with Chris, Juliet gave the performance of the night, and some other stuff happened.
9:06 p.m. Carson tells us last night’s performances hit #1 on the iTunes RnB chart, #1 and #2 on the rock chart, but he doesn’t name names. He’s a gentleman.
9:06 p.m. Blake is impressed with how different each one of the final four are. “They’re all so talented!” he says in his best impression of a kindergarten teacher.
9:07 p.m. Christina says Chris Mann “does what he does from the heart.”
9:08 p.m. Cee-Lo plans on being with Juliet “all the way.” He’s “a loyalist” (as his t-shirt proves).
9:09 p.m. Hooray, all four of the finalists have earned Adam’s respect as artists!
9:09 p.m. Jermaine is about to perform Jackson 5’s “I Want You Back” with Jamar Rogers, James Massone and Pip. Jermaine loves Pip’s bowtie, Jamar’s smile and James’ sense of humor, and hopes they’ll “blow the roof off the place.”
9:10 p.m. Don’t worry, the roof is safe. But we’re reminded that Jamar is better than Jermaine, James could easily slide right into a touring production of “Jersey Boys” and Pip…loves bowties.
9:13 p.m. Carson Daly: “Take that, boy bands!” I don’t think One Direction is concerned.
9:17 p.m. Christina Milian briefly confuses Jermaine and Jamar, but since the wrong one is in the finals it’s hard to blame her.
9:18 p.m. Jermaine: “Jamar is the heart and soul of season two.” Yep.
9:18 p.m. Bloopers and outtakes! Christina barks like a dog at Blake. Cee-Lo wants an enchilada. Blake makes a “That’s what she said” joke.
9:20 p.m. Flo Rida and…Juliet Simms! Uh, OK? He’s got a nice wholesome song that seems to be an ode to whistling. I can totally see Chris Mann taking this on next.
9:21 p.m. Juliet takes the stage singing Sia’s hook from Flo Rida’s current hit “Wild Ones.” She’s not Sia. Also it’s a waste of Juliet.
9:23 p.m. Juliet is bouncing with Flo Rida. I don’t know, maybe she *wanted* to do this, but I have my doubts…
9:28 p.m. Carson Daly: “Staying true to his roots has always been Chris Mann’s strength.” That, and pandering to fans of Celine Dion and Josh Groban.
9:29 p.m. Chris is trotting out his two favorite opponents — Lindsey Pavao and Katrina Parker — as his backup on The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony.”
9:30 p.m. This is a bit of a mess, none of these styles mesh well and they have no harmony together. Lindsey is so ethereal I’m afraid she’s going to float off the stage and the other two…just no.
9:32 p.m. Dear god! Watching Chris sing pop music is painful.
9:37 p.m. Carson Daly: “We’re gonna crown the winner of ‘The Voice’ in just a little bit.” Don’t lie Carson, there’s still nearly 90 minutes to go.
9:38 p.m. Flo Rida and Christina Milian is a true meeting of the minds. I’m not sure the audience can even handle this. Christina: “We’re wearing leather together. He likes me!”
9:39 p.m. Adam and Blake: The Bromance. Adam: “The nature of our friendship is platonic. And we like to dance together.” Christina feels like “an object in the way of them pouring on the love they have for each other.”
9:40 p.m. Blake announces that he “now has a crush on Carson.” Carson playfully blows him a kiss. And somehow all of this is a lot less awkward and offensive than the old Simon Cowell/Ryan Seacrest “You’re gay!” “No, you’re gay!” “No, you’re *really* gay!” banter.
9:42 p.m. Hall & Oates are performing “Rich Girl.” Seriously. Jermaine, Chris and Tony are backing them up. This may be as close as Chris ever gets to being musically relevant.
9:48 p.m. Carson introduces a clip package all about how great the coaches are and how much they love each other…
9:49 p.m. Everyone talk about Blake! He’s country!
9:50 p.m. Everyone talk about Cee-Lo! He’s cool!
9:51 p.m. Everyone talk about Christina! She’s a diva!
9:52 p.m. Everyone talk about Adam! He’s focused!
9:53 p.m. Cheesa, Naia Kete, Kim Yarbrough and Sera Hill have been asked back to perform Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition.” I’m not sure why. Maybe none of the finalists selected them to sing backup and the producers wanted to include them in some fashion?
9:55 p.m. This is lasting longer than it needs to. At least it’s not one of those awkward “American Idol” group performances. But it’s not that far off.
9:56 p.m. Carson Daly is on stage, so the song is over. Thank you, Carson.
9:59 p.m. LESLIE KNOPE! And RON SWANSON! NBC is using “The Voice” to pimp out “Parks and Recreation,” which is very awesome and much appreciated. But the big joke is that Ron has one of the coach’s chairs from the blind auditions. It’s not as funny as actually watching “Parks and Recreation.”
10:00 p.m. Chris Pratt is in character as Andy Dwyer and auditioning for Cee-Lo. Hey, at least NBC is trying.
10:01 p.m. Carson Daly has to say “Will Leslie Knope get elected? I Knope so!” I can’t imagine Seacrest selling that one, are you listening Emmy voters?
10:02 p.m. Juliet Simms has picked Jamar, RaeLynn and Erin Willett to help her out on The Beatles’ “With a Little Help From My Friends.” They’re her “family,” which is very sweet. I’m especially glad to see Jamar invited to two of these. I also dig that Juliet likes RaeLynn, who deserved to make it further (silly Blake).
10:04 p.m. WHY ISN’T JAMAR IN THE FINALS?!?!?!
10:09 p.m. Cee-Lo’s kitty, Purrfect the Cat, gets a close-up. Well deserved.
10:11 p.m. Hold up, Cee-Lo’s kitty gets a whole profile segment. Everyone loves Purrfect the Cat, except Adam (he’s not a cat person). This is pure heaven for ICanHazCeeLo.com
10:12 p.m. Blake: “It has pooped in my seat before.” (Yes, he’s talking about Purrfect.)
10:13 p.m. Lady Antebellum performs “Wanted You More.” They don’t appear to have any of the contestants with them, because they’re Lady Antebellum, dammit.
10:21 p.m. Tony Lucca has selected Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” as a duet with Jordis. Respect. Tony: “It’s tremendously gratifying to bring her back and let her get one more chance on the stage to show people just how great she is.”
10:23 p.m. Well, I don’t think there will be high demand for Tony and Jordis to tour together anytime soon, but this is enjoyable to watch, and I like that Tony kept it simple as a duet instead of forcing a trio or quartet. I guess it’s no surprise that he and Juliet did the best, and made the best choices, with this final challenge.
10:26 p.m. Carson: “Coming up: Justin Bieber’s in the house!” (They’ve been teasing this as much as the fact they’ll reveal the winner. Apologies for not mentioning it earlier.)
10:30 p.m. “Saturday Night Live’s” Kenan Thompson does a Cee-Lo impression: “I may look like a James Bond villain in a movie directed by Tyler Perry…” That’s about as funny as it gets.
10:31 p.m. Carson reminds us that, yes, they *will* announce a winner tonight…eventually. Also: Bieber!
10:32 p.m. Christina Milian awkwardly interviews fallen contestants about who they think should win. Jamar declares his steadfast devotion to Juliet and Team Cee-Lo (even though he performed with both Juliet and Jermaine).
10:35 p.m. Jermaine gets a car! Juliet gets a car! Chris gets a car! Tony gets a car! (Whether or not they get a record contract, they’re all guaranteed a Kia.)
10:39 p.m. The moment we’ve all been waiting for: BIEBER!
10:41 p.m. A dancer very briefly bobs her head in front of Bieber’s crotch. Is this his new “mature” image? Is it going to be as fake controversial as Miley Cyrus’ stripper pole?
10:42 p.m. Bieber grabs his own crotch. Oh boy…
10:43 p.m. Christina Aguilera bobs her head in enjoyment, but it has nothing to do with anyone’s crotch.
10:44 p.m. OK, Bieber’s done. Pretty sure we can turn this off now. Or not… Christina Milian has the finalists backstage, if anyone cares about that? Tony Lucca predicts all four finalists will share “a deep connection” for life.
10:48 p.m. Carson has the finalists lined up on stage: “It is the moment we’ve been waiting for all season long.”
10:49 p.m. Jermaine is “not a background singer anymore.” When Carson asks what winning would mean to him, Jermaine can’t even answer, he’s emotionally overwhelmed. He finally manages : “It would mean the world to me.”
10:50 p.m. Chris feels like he’s grown into his own on the show. “Being myself for the first time, being yourself for the first time, is the only way to get here.”
10:51 p.m. Juliet: “Honestly you spend so much time practicing your songs for the show, you don’t spend much time practicing what you’ll say when you get here… This is my childhood dream and I’m standing here right now.”
10:51 p.m. Carson tells Tony: “You’ve proven to everybody that you’re more than one dimensional, you’re more than a former Mouseketeer.” Tony is “beyond grateful” to everyone who has helped him get there.
10:52 p.m. Carson says the vote was VERY tight. Only a quarter of one percentage point separates third and fourth place. But the person in fourth place is: Chris Mann.
10:53 p.m. The artist in third place is: Tony Lucca. I guess the whole Adam/Christina rivalry didn’t do much for either of their contestants…
10:54 p.m. It’s down to just Juliet and Jermaine. Four percentage points separated the two of them.
10:55 p.m. The winner is… JERMAINE PAUL. The second coming of Javier Colon has pulled it off! “The Voice” voters love their sob stories, their inspirational RnB, their blandly likable champions.
10:56 p.m. Jermaine is completely overcome, of course… But he’s got to perform “I Believe I Can Fly” again. You voted for it America!!
10:57 p.m. Jermaine hugs his wife for a solid minute, which is the most genuinely moving thing he’s done on stage all season.
10:59 p.m. And “The Voice” comes to a close to the sweet sounds of R. Kelly. I guess “99 Problems” would’ve been a little ridiculous…
Anyway… what did you think of the season overall? Did the right person win? And will you be back for more next year?