What says “Thanksgiving” more than good comedy? Well, I can think of at least a hundred things. Like, um, cranberry sauce and stuffing and a $50 bill slipped to you by a drunk uncle. But this round-up of tweets is the one thing I can give you. And don’t worry — not a single one of these jokes contains the term “Turkey Day.”
Bringing the Nymphomaniac trailer to Thanksgiving dinner.
– Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) November 27, 2013
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I’ll be the one at the Thanksgiving table who’s grateful for vanquishing my enemies
– Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) November 26, 2013
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Can you believe that Thanksgiving and Happy Honda Days fall on the same day this year?
– Betty F*ckin’ White (@BettyFckinWhite) November 26, 2013
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Grandma telling me some sad-ass growing up Thanksgiving stories while I cut up a metric ton of bread for stuffing our three dead birds.
– shelby fero (@shelbyfero) November 26, 2013
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Thanksgiving Turkeys probably feel less fearful of death knowing how many of them will have a second life on @instagram.
– Carrie Brownstein (@Carrie_Rachel) November 26, 2013
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Thanksgiving is the time to make up some amaaaazing news to announce you’re thankful for so everyone else at the table feels like shit!
– andrea seigel (@andreaseigel) November 26, 2013
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All I want is the tense silence of a Hough family Thanksgiving.
– Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) November 26, 2013
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Don’t forget to watch me on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade where I’ll be singing NWA’s Fuck the Police on the Powerpuff Girls float!
– billy eichner (@billyeichner) November 26, 2013
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i think those thanksgiving carolers were scoping out my apartment.
– blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) November 26, 2013
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A family sits at the Thanksgiving table. Son says “Dad? I’m blocking you for spam.” Boom. I just wrote a perfect New Yorker cartoon.
– John Ross Bowie (@JohnRossBowie) November 26, 2013
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My sister and I always kept our parents in check on Thanksgiving just by wearing our brightly-colored Menendez brothers sweaters.
– Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 26, 2013
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wHo’s BrIngIN’ the GoNjA this year?!? – family thanksgiving emails
– Bridey Elliott (@brideylee) November 26, 2013
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TOP TIP: Avoid Thanksgiving travel delays by faking your own death.
– John O’Connor (@johntoconnor) November 27, 2013
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“Shit, so you’re NEVER going back?” – Indians to the Pilgrims at the 2nd Thanksgiving
– Tim Long (@mrtimlong) November 26, 2013
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Thanksgiving: When The Family Sneaks Behind The Shed Every Twenty Minutes In Twos & Threes
– Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) November 27, 2013
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Someone plz put together a handy list of Thanksgiving table talking points on the following: – Obamacare – gay marriage – that whore Miley
– Alex Blagg (@alexblagg) November 26, 2013
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Your Thanksgiving porn name is the most insane person in your family plus your favorite pie.
– Alison Forns (@alisonforns) November 26, 2013
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Thanksgiving reminder: I know a lot of celebrities.
– Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 26, 2013