Paramount has released a handful of photos showcasing this film, based on the graphic novel “Noah” by Darren Aronofsky, based on the Biblical story of Noah, based on the epic of Gilgamesh. But something about this re-telling of the fall of the cradle of civilization – aka Mesopotamia aka the Middle East – seems amiss. But what could it be?!
Could it be the copious amounts of deciduous trees in what should be an arid, almost desert-like climate?
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No that’s not it. After all, maybe Noah cutting down every tree in the known world is what turned the region into a agricultural marshland. Then what is it?!
ENHANCE.
Man, Noah’s fair skin sure is looking burnt. If only he were genetically predisposed to have more melanin. But I digress. What is it about these photos that seems so historically inaccurate? Is it the idea that two of every animal species would fit in that wooden monstrosity?
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Ugh no that’s not it either. Who knows, maybe Noah had perfected the science of climate controlled rooms and a way to keep 7.7 million species from devolving into chaos. IT’S POSSIBLE. So what. Is. It?
NEXT IMAGE!
Awwww look at Noah hugging his distraught wife, flowing golden locks blowing in the Persian Gulf breeze as his green eyes stare intently out of his pale Caucasian face.
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Nope, nothing weird here. Moving on.
ENOUGH RUSSELL CROWE. WE MUST LOOK AWAY FROM YOUR CHISELED GRACE.
Wow, Emma Watson looks stunning. Just sitting on a mossy rock overlooking a river that definitely doesn’t look like an Icelandic pasture. If you didn’t know any better, you wouldn’t even know she was British thanks to her tan* – way to ruin the illusion Harry Potter!
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*You can get tan from moonbeams right?
THIS MYSTERY REFUSES TO BE ILLUMINATED.
I can’t put my finger on what’s not right here. I’m blinded by Noah and Naameh’s love…
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…and the light shining off their bright European skin.
I GIVE UP.
I know Noah. This unsolved mystery is driving me to blind rage too! You know what will make you feel better?
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Manifest Destiny and colonization. There, there. It’ll be okay.