The 2012 Academy Awards are upon us, and HitFix doesn’t just want to tell you when to drink, but how to drink. And when not to.
Check out some suggestions for your Oscars party for the 84th annual event. Forget the usual “when they thank their manager” or “when somebody cries,” here’s some tailored to tonight:
+ For every “Hugo” and “Midnight in Paris” win, drink — but imagine at least four other drinks that were much, much better.
+ If Uggie takes the stage with Jean Dujardin or for any other win for “The Artist,” drink from a dog bowl.
+ If Michael Shannon wins Best Actor, bust out the “nice stuff” reserved for the apocalypse.
+ If Meryl Streep wins Best Actress for “Iron Lady,” drink conservatively. If it’s Michelle Williams as “Marilyn,” pour one out. For Glenn Close, spend years years thinking about drinking but then succumb to dehydration. Viola Davis, drink because you deserve it.
+ Because Brett Ratner won’t be there to do it right, drink when Shia LaBeouf smirks.
+ Drink if any of the “Bridesmaids” wears fuschia.
+ Pour yourself a champagne, Mojito, Gin Rickey or a Josephine Baker for any “Midnight in Paris” honors. For “The Descendants,” try a pina colada.
+ If “Tree of Life” takes Best Picture, drink for a frustratingly long time.
+ For every Billy Crystal “I’m old” joke… wait, what was it we were doing again?
+ For “Harry Potter” and “Undefeated” wins, put that glass down, you shouldn’t be drinking anyway.
+ Intensely question the origins of your drink if “Anonymous” actually nabs something.
+ Drink in silence for “The Artist.” Drink quietly and with deep suspicion for “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.” And if Gary Oldman gets passed over, yet again, give your drink to somebody who’s already drank too much.
+ Any allusion to the girth of Fassbender’s unit, swallow hard. And slowly. Slower. That’s right.
+ If “Drive” wins a thing, put your jacket on. If Rooney Mara gets Best Actress for “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo,” throw your jacket away. Do not operate a car, motorcycle or any other motor vehicle.
+ If Jonah Hill wins Supporting Actor over Plummer Von Sydown, Branagh or Nolte, drink something that gets better with age.
+ For every minute that Diddy performs and Muppets adoptee Bret McKenzie doesn’t, drink that many shots of whatever liqueur he’s promoting.
+ For Best Animated Feature, if “Rango” takes it, drink water (if you’ve got it). If it’s “Puss in Boots”: leche.
+ Take the most underrated actor, combine them with two middle-weights, multiply them by the number of movies they’ve done collectively, divide it by their odds of winning as determined by Vegas, spin around three times and say “bloody Mary” into a mirror, cross your fingers and trust your accountant: drink that many times for “Moneyball” wins.
+ Ladies, drink for “The Help” and “Bridesmaids.” Dudes: “Moneyball” and “Albert Nobbs.” For “Dragon Tattoo,” go drink by yourself, it’s your business what you do.
+ We don’t have the heart for a Whitney Houston drinking rule.
+ Drink once for every six shots of Brad Pitt reacting like he doesn’t know people are talking about him and that he’s up for an Academy Award. One drink for every 25 Clooneycam shots.
+ Punch yourself in the face to any references to Linsanity or other Jeremy Lin puns. In general. Not just for this show.
+ Put your glass down if Jessica Chastain takes supporting actress over Octavia Spencer, because you wouldn’t want people to think you’re racist, it’s not even about race anyway its about the quality of a single performance, despite the years of commitment to challenging roles we all walk away winners, right?
+ If “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close” or “War Horse” take Best Picture, waterfall: that is, overturn your tables and dump out your drinks, because the show’s over folks, it’s OVER.
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