I’m not sure if the announcement has been made at any upfronts yet, but networks officially aren’t allowed to put a new show on the air if it doesn’t contain some element of incest. Seriously: that shit is trendier than vampires, non-traditional nuclear families, and the Mara sisters combined. (And now: to pitch my new show about a pair of lesbian vampire sisters who must learn to get along with their young, beautiful Colombian stepmother and also her gay brothers who have a child together.) Here’s all the incest found this week in television, movies, and the news. (Spoilers.)
TELEVISION:
Game of Thrones: “Game of Thrones” is, of course, TV”s reigning queen of incestuous content. While there was no explicit twin-on-twin action in Sunday”s episode, as poor Jaime Lannister remains far from his beloved former uterus roommate Cersei, their un-kosher coupling was a major plot point. Essentially, Olenna Tyrell uses it as a bargaining chip against Tywin Lannister, arguing that the proclivities of her gay son Loras are no match for the rumored “twincest” of Tywin”s eldest kids.
The Borgias: The previous episode of “The Borgias,” adorably titled “Siblings,” saw brother and sister Cesare and Lucrezia finally consummating three seasons” worth of sexual tension. Sunday”s show deals with the repercussions of this totes gross coupling, with both characters basically freaking out. Additionally, after it”s discovered that Lucrezia has not yet slept with her new husband Alfonso, Fernando demands she do so in front of witnesses — one of whom is Cesare. So: brother watches sister have sex while thinking about that time brother had sex with sister.
Bates Motel: In terms of general taboos, the most socially unacceptable behavior seen in this week”s episode of “Bates Motel” is… god, I can”t even bring myself to say it… a game of hacky sack. Second is this little thing that happens where Norman learns taxidermy so that he can stuff his dead dog. Besides that, the incestuous undertones of the “Psycho” lead-up continue to simmer beneath the surface, mostly in the form of Norma”s overbearing behavior. This is most egregious when she sits in on Norman”s therapy session, the emotional equivalent of watching him masturbate.
The Office: Dwight spent much of last night”s episode wondering if he should propose to his third-cousin, Esther. As Dwight explicitly said, the relationship, “is great for bloodlines and isn’t technically incest,” but also, kind of, it totally is.
Ongoing: Both “Top of the Lake” and “Hemlock Grove” are recently became available on Netflix. Between the two shows, there are incest instances in the flavors of brother-on-sister, mother-on-son, father-on-daughter, and cousin-on-cousin. Neat!
MOVIES:
Bored to Death: In an interview with Vulture, Jonathan Ames revealed plans to write a “Bored to Death” movie that would expand the incest plotline he introduced during the show”s final series. Evidently, he intends to put Isla Fischer”s character in a mental hospital where to have her grapple with the discovery that she unwittingly slept with her half-brother, Jason Schwartzman”s character.
IN THE NEWS:
Anti-incest app: There are only 319,000 people in Iceland, which means that every single citizen is related to Bjork and also has probably slept with a cousin or two. To combat this rampant bloodline-boinking, a group of students from the University of Iceland created an app that allows users to tap their phones together and find out if they”re related. If it turns out they are? Well then two cousin phones just totally boinked.
Did I miss anything? Let me know, and I’ll be sure to put it in next week’s round-up.