Hey guess what? You're a fan of soccer now. Yes, you, American person who has never cared about sports before. Now here's what you do next: you watch every World Cup game. You talk incessantly about every World Cup game. You constantly check the scores on your phone even when you're out dining with other people. You tweet about Cristiano Ronaldo's eyebrows for no good reason. You become the most annoying faux-sports fan in the history of the world. You repeat every four years until death.
On that note, here's a sampling of disappointed tweets from celebrities, internet celebrities and just regular ol' people following Portugal superstar Silvestre Varela's truly spectacular last-second goal today, followed by a collection of more hopeful (but now far less relevant) tweets that came after U.S. player Clint Dempsey used his tight delicious abdomen to score against the Sub-Spaniard monsters earlier in the game. What did it all amount to? A very un-American phenomenon known as a tie.
Well shucks…
– Dane DeHaan (@danedehaan) June 22, 2014
can't believe these supermen and wonder woman on the sidelines let that happen :( pic.twitter.com/yjoruQP1GW
– Kia Makarechi (@Kia_Mak) June 22, 2014
So after all that hard work, blood, and sweat, everything ends up equal, & nobody's happy. SOCCER IS COMMUNISM. #USAvsPOR
– Mike Sielski (@MikeSielski) June 23, 2014
Welp, this Red, White and Blue Ultimate Warrior motif face paint isn't going to wash itself. #USAvsPOR #WorldCup
– Robert Flores (@RoFloESPN) June 23, 2014
– Andrew Kaczynski (@BuzzFeedAndrew) June 22, 2014
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Damn… #90+5 #WorldCup2014 #USAvsPOR pic.twitter.com/uiPU27uE1Q
– Superman (@SupermanTweets) June 23, 2014
Made this graph showing Ronaldo's popularity in the United States over the course of the match. #USAvsPOR #WorldCup pic.twitter.com/OQzUYcCTKJ
– Fake Scott Frost (@ScottFauxrost) June 23, 2014
#USAvsPOR ends 2-2 and USA is confused as to how a sport can end in a tie.
– ?εεzυs c??ιs? (@TheRawestMike) June 23, 2014
Brb crying. #USAvsPOR
– Complex (@ComplexMag) June 22, 2014
it's like really? #USAvsPOR
– Emerson Etem (@tweetem_up) June 22, 2014
#USAvsPOR that was an amazing play, just the wrong country
– Doug Gottlieb (@GottliebShow) June 22, 2014
USA fans after seeing that goal #USAvsPortugal pic.twitter.com/UHQG8E8JRz
– Darth Vader (@DepressedDarth) June 22, 2014
Has a soccer game ever ended with the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music? #USAvsPortugal
– Adam Newman (@Adam_Newman) June 22, 2014
JESUS WHAT DO WE PAY YOU GUYS FOR #USAvsPortugal pic.twitter.com/nsVCo2UghC
– shauna (@goldengateblond) June 22, 2014
Did that really just happen? #USAvsPortugal
– T.J. Holmes (@tjholmes) June 22, 2014
????
– Vera Farmiga (@VeraFarmiga) June 22, 2014
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“Fuck Portugal” – Clint Eastwood
– billy eichner (@billyeichner) June 22, 2014
Cristiano Ronaldo looks like someone who winds up dead in the first act of a James Bond movie.
– Bilge Ebiri (@BilgeEbiri) June 22, 2014
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AND HERE ARE THE ONES ABOUT CLINT DEMPSEY'S ABDOMEN/GROIN/WHATEVER BODY PART THAT WAS.
y'all see that goal just now? don't underestimate the things you can do with your groin #USAvsPortugal #IBelieveThatWeWillWin
– BILL_NYE_THO (@Bill_Nye_Tho__) June 22, 2014
I'm assuming the huge cheer that just swept through downtown Chicago was for Meryl's 65th? Unless we just, like, scored or something.
– Nick's Flick Picks (@NicksFlickPicks) June 22, 2014
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Goal!!! #USAvsPOR
– Will Ferrell (@Will___Ferrell) June 22, 2014
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You know who was really excited by that goal? Teddy Roosevelt. pic.twitter.com/QsFoVvUvpe
– Ben Greenman (@bengreenman) June 22, 2014
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He scored w his junk! With his JUNK. Take that Ronaldo
– Kyle Newman (@kyle_newman) June 22, 2014
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Repeating: Just got to at least second base with everyone in this bar. #usa
– Will Leitch (@williamfleitch) June 22, 2014
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ALRIGHT!!! USA!! On a sadder note, I think Rue just died from the Hunger Games cannon that keeps going off!!!!
– Justin Martindale (@justmartindale) June 22, 2014
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What a game! #USAMNT #USAvsPOR
– Mike Tyson (@MikeTyson) June 22, 2014
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YES!!!!!! #USNMT
– Kobe Bryant (@kobebryant) June 22, 2014
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There it is
– Kevin Durant (@KDTrey5) June 22, 2014
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Pure joy #USA https://t.co/Y8H0ZSZKA8
– Major League Soccer (@MLS) June 22, 2014