Brian Grubb: This is March. This is the time for parking yourself in front of the television and consuming an assuredly unhealthy amount of buzzer-beater. This is the time for buzzer-beaters. This is the time for upsets. But mostly, this is the time to hold pointless pop culture debates by jamming things into brackets and fighting about them.
This is March.
And so, what we’ve done here is create an Elite 8 bracket of the best songs from sports movies. Before we reveal our selections and seeding and allow you to yell at us, let’s take a moment to discuss our methodology. Our rules were as follows:
- Only one song per movie franchise can make the bracket. We have been referring to this, informally, as The Space Jam Rule.
- No movie scores. Different discussion for a different day.
- If you don’t like our bracket, there’s the door.
Fair? Fair. Moving on. To the seeds:
SPACE JAM REGIONAL
- “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly, Space Jam
- “Regulate” by Warren G feat. Nate Dogg, Above the Rim
- “He Got Game” by Public Enemy, He Got Game
- “Wild Thing” by Chip Taylor, Major League
ROCKY REGIONAL
- “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor, Rocky III
- “You’re the Best Around” by Joe Esposito, Karate Kid
- “My Hero” by Foo Fighters, Varsity Blues
- “Centerfield” by John Fogerty, Bull Durham
Take it away, Martin.
Space Jam Regional
1. “I BELIEVE I CAN FLY” VS. 4. “WILD THING”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIQn8pab8Vc
Martin Rickman: I feel bad for “Wild Thing.” I really do. It’s a good song, in a pivotal moment from a really great sports movie in Major League. There is a world in which the Cleveland Indians actually can maybe win the World Series, but that world is also one where Wesley Snipes pays his taxes and Charlie Sheen is still sane enough to play a sport at a professional level (okay, he’s still insane, but hey, at least the skill is there). And Tom Berenger is also there for some reason. It was always neat that Anderson Varejao was called Wild Thing when he was on the Cavs because it was a minor throwback to the movie – filmed in Milwaukee for some reason – and the absurdity of Cleveland fans in general. The signs when Vaughn comes in the game and the outfits, it’s just a great moment.
But this is a drubbing. Cinderella stories are neat, and cute, and there’s a lot to explore and unpack, but “Wild Thing” just got destroyed by “I Believe I Can Fly.” I’m sorry. The magic ran out. “I Believe I Can Fly” is Kentucky in a good year. There’s no stopping this much talent in one place.
2. “REGULATE” VS. 3. “HE GOT GAME”
BG: I hate to go chalk for the whole Space Jam regional, even though I suppose that was a little inevitable because we are both seeding the entries and choosing winners like a pair of fat cats pulling strings in a smoke-filled room (HOW HIGH DOES THIS CORRUPTION GO?), but yeah, I’m going with “Regulate.” In truth, “Regulate” is barely a sports song. It’s more of a song about surviving a robbery and then having sex in a motel. But it is on the Above the Rim soundtrack, and it does feature the phrase “Chords… strings… we brings… melody” like 30 seconds after Nate Dogg sings about murder, soooooo yup, “Regulate” it is.
Rocky Regional
1. “EYE OF THE TIGER” VS. 4. “CENTERFIELD”
BG: Trickier than your typical 1-4 matchup. “Eye of the Tiger” isn’t even my favorite song from the Rocky franchise. My favorite is and always will be “No Easy Way Out” from Rocky IV, which you may remember from the montage where Rocky responds to Adrian telling him fighting Drago is suicide by speeding all over Philadelphia in an exotic sports car. I get all jazzed up just thinking about it.
But I digress. “Eye of the Tiger” still wins because “Centerfield” is a song about some scrub benchwarmer pesting his coach about putting him into the game. Come on, kid. At least be realistic here. Ask for, like, right field.
2.”YOU’RE THE BEST AROUND” VS. 3. “MY HERO”
MR: This is my first true upset of the Elite Eight. Don’t get me wrong. “You’re the Best Around” is great, and its use in that episode of South Park when Stan’s dad just keeps fighting everyone is downright perfect. But there’s something about that scene in Varsity Blues that I keep coming back to. Sure, Varsity Blues is far from a perfect movie. The sports action isn’t all that good, or realistic. But you get Dawson and Scott Caan living it up against the evil Jon Voight, and the drums coming in on the Foo Fighters track always give me goosebumps. Even when I hear the song now, I go right back to the movie, and I think about sports every time I hear it. And that’s the mark of a true sports movie.
I’m sorry, Daniel San, but your time ends now. You might have been the best around at one point, but not anymore. Looks like it’s time for the New Tweeter End Zone Dance.
FINAL FOUR
1. “I BELIEVE I CAN FLY” VS. 2. “REGULATE”
MR: THIS IS IT. THE FINAL FOUR.
How do you even begin to pick a winner in “Regulate” vs. “I Believe I Can Fly?” The Space Jam region is unfair. This is a no-win construct. But this is the bracket as the committee has selected it. The committee knew full well what it was doing when it put “Regulate” and “I Believe I Can Fly” in the same region. Those rascals. Those dogs. Those scoundrels.
Here’s how I see this thing playing out. “Regulate,” as the Honorable Judge Grubb pointed out, is not a sports song. It’s *in* a sports movie, but it’s not a sports song. There’s no big indelible moment that makes it sports. And while the song alone, and the absurdity of the tale that Warren G and Nate Dogg are weaving (just ask Bomani Jones about that one, as he’s had extended rants on more than one occasion), are both wonderful, and it’s easily one of the best duets to perform at karaoke, there’s just no way of defeating the wonder that is R. Kelly in a scene with the legend of Michael Jordan. Even the music video is untouchable. There are gospel singers.
“I Believe I Can Fly” is just too deep, too talented, and too complete to be beaten in this matchup. While “Regulate” can hang tough in the first half on moxie and emotion alone, this is still a double-digit loss. “I Believe I Can Fly” is moving onto the Championship.
1. “EYE OF THE TIGER” VS. 3. “MY HERO”
BG: You know what? Between my lukewarm feelings about “Eye of the Tiger” and your passionate case for “My Hero,” and despite the fact that this half of the bracket is named “The Rocky Regional,” I think…
Yup, I’m doing it. “My Hero,” the 3-seed, the Cinderella of this mini-tournament rolls on into the finals. Maybe it’s just the thing where I have a soft spot in my heart for Varsity Blues that I don’t have for Rocky III and I’m just being a nostalgia-blind doof who overvalues things he associates with his childhood. I’ve been accused of the before. And worse! But you’re right, I hear those drums and I start thinking about the end of that movie, and about football, and about rowdy teens puking in washing machines, and yeah. To the finals.
Plus, I always found it corny that the chorus of “Eye of the Tiger,” by Survivor, contained the line “And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night” because, I mean, we get it, guys. You’re very tough. No need to force it.
CHAMPIONSHIP
1.”I BELIEVE I CAN FLY” VS. 3. “MY HERO”
MR: Two incredibly different songs. Different tempos. Different meanings in their respective movies. And yet, separated by just two years in the entire history of the earth. I think it’s too close to call. This one might go to overtime. “My Hero” has the horses to content with “I Believe I Can Fly” and has that whole underdog, nobody believes in us, we can do this, thing. Will “I Believe I Can Fly” rest on its laurels and get upset? Or will the sheer force of R. Kelly’s crooning be enough to raise a banner?
BG: Martin, I’m going to be honest with you. If we don’t let “I Believe I Can Fly” win, I am going to throw a tantrum. Like a full-on “toddler at the supermarket who hasn’t had a nap and whose mom just said he can’t get a box of pirate-themed sugar chunk cereal.” R. Kelly is a strange and (allegedly!) not very good dude, but this song is a triumph of human achievement. Look at this selection of lyrics:
Hey, if I just spread my wings
I can fly
I can fly
I can fly, hey
If I just spread my wings
I can fly-eye-eye-eye
Hum, fly-eye-eye
I… I really think R. Kelly believes he can fly. I don’t think this is a metaphor. I bet he has blueprints scribbled out and everything, and he’s stood on top of his garage multiple times with homemade wings strapped to his arms and given it a shot. No one will ever convince me otherwise.