Last month, we were told that we were too nice to the twits. It’s a mistake we won’t make ever again, especially not with this month’s bumper crop of self-importance. And awaaaaay we go!
@Reply: Haiku: helping undergrads feel profound since the Tokugawa Shogunate.
Character Overage: It’s vitally important in his profile that you understand his retweeting something doesn’t mean he agrees with it. We’re sure with his 37 followers that this is a real problem.
@Reply: Almost the same rate you’re getting rejected at the singles bars!
Character Overage: Morozov actually has written an interesting, if flawed, book about social media, but mostly he’s getting conference invitations because people are sick of hearing about Iran and Twitter. Good for him, we guess.
@Reply: So what you’re saying is working for a pathetic B-lister makes you a pathetic D-lister.
Character Overage: Apparently the “celebrity” he works for is Dave Ramsey, one of those “investing for Jesus” types, which is why you’ve never heard of him and will continue not to.
@Reply: …You really don’t realize what that sounds like, do you?
Character Overage: It’s nice to know that even on the Internet, some people retain their innocence. Apparently they are commodities investors.
@Reply: Yes, nerds first discovered good food because of a computer science student in South Africa.
Character Overage: Mostly we’re including him just because we want to blame him for the Facebook redesign. Do you hate it? He did it! It’s all him! Even though he hasn’t started working there yet!
@Reply: “But I can still kiss my biceps no matter what!”
Character Overage: It’s hard to believe the guy who runs the company that built the website for a Lego video game is this self-important, but there it is.
@Reply: We’re assuming they’re all from your dad, Neil.
Character Overage: We doubt this kid is actually the son of Neil Diamond. Not least because he probably would have gotten disowned by now.
@Reply: It’s always cute when people desperately seeking attention pretend they don’t love being relentlessly scrutinized by total strangers.
Character Overage: This is from a cast member in the reality show “Basketball Wives”. …Yeah, some jokes are too cheap, even for us.
@Reply: Dude, consider yourself lucky you’re only out $17. If she’d gotten addicted to Smurfberries, kiss your house goodbye.
Character Overage: He complains about this, and then drops $2000 on the Humble Indie Bundle. Gee, I wonder where his kids get it from.
@Reply: The only person who cares less than us? Ray Kurzweil.
Character Overage: For somebody who got an icon of himself with a saint’s halo, his blog is surprisingly devoid of anything relevant. Maybe he decided just existing was good enough.
@Reply: How will these Nigerians survive without me?
Character Overage: To be fair, we’re assuming the founder of OpenDNS does occasionally get an email message that actually qualifies as important. You know, complaints about his service breaking applications that aren’t even on the Internet, for example.
@Reply: You have no outlets at home? Where do you live, Canada?
Character Overage: Seriously, what is it with overexposed avatars? We’re not even looking for them and they pop up at least once a month. Is this something the hipsters are doing so people won’t realize they’re artistic failures for a couple of crucial seconds?
@Reply: As opposed to backsniping them on Twitter, which is the height of class.
Character Overage: Our last article had some self-righteous type whining and centered around Americanos, too. We’re starting to wonder if drinking Americano makes you a d**k.
@Reply: We’re guessing, since you’re an obscure musician, that jealousy doesn’t play into this decision at all.
Character Overage: This kind of reminds us of The Bechdel Test, wherein a series of arbitrary rules are imposed on a medium to make what the author thinks is a profound statement…which is actually pretty easy to reverse and illustrate how vapid such a standard actually is. For example, under the Bechdel Test, “Citizen Kane” fails…but “Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS” doesn’t. So by this example, this man refuses to own an album by Bruce Springsteen, Lou Reed, or Leonard Cohen, but he’ll happily listen to The Shaggs or Leonard Nimoy.
That’s it for this month, but next month beckons sooner than you think. Tweet responsibly, kids.