Coachella? Meh. The REAL party in 2012 is going to be on the high seas, when too-real-for-reality Kate Gosselin hosts a week-long Caribbean Cruise in August. Highlights include, “The first Starbucks at sea…and favorite moments with Shrek, Po the Panda, and more friends in the Dream Works experience.” And by “experience,” they mean they found a couple of winos on the dock, dressed them up in panda costumes, and called it a year. What nautical illness are you hoping everyone on-board gets? I’m going with dysentery. (H/T to Burnsy)
The Best of #Jack Donaghy — “And Alexander wept, for there were no worlds to conquer. Hans Gruber, Die Hard.” That might be the best of them all. (Uproxx)
“The Colbert Report” Was Originally Intended to Be Nothing More Than a Joke — He’s come a long since impersonating George Harrison on “The Dana Carvey Show.” Unlike Dana Carvey, who’s only gone backwards. (Uproxx)
The World Was a Much Better Place with MTV’s “Rock N Jock Sports” — What do you think Aaliyah and Jennifer Love Hewitt talked about? “Every guy here would give his left nut to spend just a minute with us,” said JLH, as Li-Li nodded in agreement. (With Leather)
Anti-Zombie Presidential Candidate ‘Vermin Supreme’ Needs Our Support — “Vermin Supreme” sounds like a great forgotten punk band from the late-1970s. They toured briefly with the Vomiting Trouts and Pale Garbage and the Kids. (Film Drunk)
Jay-Z Delivers New Song “Glory” For Baby Blue Ivy — Someone needs to make a mix of songs featuring a baby crying. Tracks one and two: “Are You That Somebody” by Aaliyah (reference number two!) and the theme song to “Up All Night.” (Smoking Section)
New Safe-For-Work Trailer For the Star Wars Porn Parody — I can’t wait until they get to the gay porn parodies. Jar Jar Twinks will be a scene stealer. (Gamma Squad)
The Bizarre Twitter Obsession with Tim Tebow Possibly Having Herpes — Meanwhile, on MySpace, users are all a-buzz about this Daunte Culpepper guy. He’s on the rise, and DEFINITELY won’t have his career cut short from a knee injury. (Buzzfeed)
Adult Swim’s 15 Best Web Contents of the Week — All those guys who are into ferret legging should know that it’s illegal to put them down your pants for the purposes of gambling. (Adult Swim)
“Shameless” Season Two Review: Emmy Rossum Now Even More Naked than Ever — Dustin writes insightful things, you think of Emmy Rossum’s boobs. He’s used to it by now. (Pajiba)
Altering More Childhood Memories with Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone Cosplay — I was into Betty Rubble before it was cool, back when Rosie O’Donnell played her in the Flintstones movie. (Unreality Mag)
And here’s a video that ruined my love of rap — and white people. I already hated everyone named “Stu.”
The group of boys look like forgotten Culkins. (Via Buzzfeed)