Hey bros, the weekend’s here, and if you’re awesome like me, that means three things: brews, babes and birdies. Haha, that’s right, it’s time to hit the golf course, bros! But you don’t want to head out there and look like some average dude with your head-to-toe Puma gear like King Bro Rickie Fowler, nor do you want to look dope as f*ck driving your yellow Callaway ball into a crowd of old people while you rock your stars and stripes Loud Mouth shorts. You’ll tell those people to hurry up all right, but now you’re going to do it with extra awesome, hilarious style.
I like to dig around on Amazon every now and then for some golf gear that’s going to make me really stand out and also make all those golf squares look at me and say, “Holy sh*t, that bro is legit!” And because we’re all bros here, I’m going to let you in on my treasures so you can pick them up, too, and remind your foursome (I call it a “golf orgy”) that you’re the f*cking alpha male.
First of all, check out that radical visor up there. It looks like that guy has crazy hair under that visor, but he doesn’t. That’s just a wig! And check this out, thanks to FlairHair, you can celebrate your favorite college team while wearing crazy hair for just $19.99.
You better scream, “ROLL MOTHER F*CKING TIDE!” after you crush that drive, brother.
Head Down Golf Tees: $4.99 and free shipping!
What better way to tell your golf bros that you appreciate some fine trim than by teeing up with one of these hot ass tees? Literally, these are hot ass tees. For extra awesomeness, make sure to show them to the cart girl (as long as she’s the hot young sorority girl type and not some old broad) and wink at her. She’ll know what’s up, and according to a Maxim article I read in 2002, she might do you.
Golfer’s Crotch Hook: $11.55
I need to pump the brakes on my Hummer golf cart, bros. I always forget that people might not be able to crush the ball like I can after I shotgun a brewski with my broskis, and some of you probably suck at golf. Here’s an awesome way to stop sucking – it’s a hook that will tug at your dick if your swing sucks. F*ck lessons from pros. You wanna be good? Then put your dick where your balls are.
Schwetty Balls: $19.34
Hey, remember that Saturday Night Live sketch with that dude from that one movie where he’s like, “I AM GOD!!!”? The one where he’s like, “Hey, my balls are schwetty” but his name is actually Schwetty and he’s talking about his desserts or something? F*ckin’ word play, son. Well now you can tell that joke like it’s your own with golf balls that have “Schwetty” printed on them. And bros, they even have L and R on them because you have left and right balls. Get it?
Potty Putter Toilet Time Golf Game: $17.98
Don’t have enough time to hit the links? Practice your putting while you’re taking a dump. And it’s just like actual putting, from the way you crouch like you’re disposing of waste to the way you’re actually disposing of waste. Talk about getting a leg up while you drop the kids off.
The Pop-a-Putt Golf Prank: $12.95
A hilarious thing to do is to go out to a golf course and put one of these in a hole and then hide in the bushes. Eventually some old bro will be putting for a birdie and his ball will go in the hole, but then it will pop out and he’ll be like, “What the f*ck, man?” and you’ll jump out and throw a pee balloon at him. Oh, and make sure someone is recording it, because otherwise it’s just assault for no reason.
Nuddie Naked Lady Golf Tees: $14.95
Hey, remember those tees of the lady’s ass sticking up? This blows them away, because these are just straight up naked ladies. And on top of that, with these you can make an awesome joke like, “They’re the perfect woman because they don’t talk” before you go home to your hollow, meaningless marriage to your wife who is sleeping with the lawn guy.
MySack Golf Ball Sack: $15.99
Even if you didn’t think any of the other stuff has been awesome so far, you have to admit that this is the coolest sh*t ever made. IT’S A SCROTUM and IT HOLDS YOUR BALLS! If you don’t get that joke, then you’re too stupid to hang with my crew.
MySack It Takes Balls To Golf Senior Edition: $15.95
Are you an older bro with older bro friends who wants to make light of the way nature and time affect our bodies? Then you can show off the senior edition of the MySack and its one nut longer than the other. Just like your grandfather’s nuts!
MySack for Girls: $15.95
Hey babes, chillax. I don’t want you to think that I’m one of these bros that the babes at Jezebel is always yelling about. I know that chicks play golf, too, so here’s the ultimate in babe fun for the golf course. It’s hilarious because girls don’t have testicles, but it’s also practical because it comes with two free balls and chicks are always hitting their balls in the water because they can’t golf.
So there you have it, bros and babes! Hit the links with these awesome accessories and you’ll be the coolest bro on the course this weekend.