It’s the offseason, but that doesn’t mean you have to go the entire spring and summer without laughing at stupid people on the internet. Between now and the kickoff to the new season in September, we here at Kissing Suzy Kolber have taken it upon ourselves to bring you the greatest non-football takes on Facebook and other esteemed social media outlets. We may sneak in a few teams here and there as news warrants, but for the most part all groups, NFL or not, are now fair game. Enjoy!

Many of you watched the Oscars on Sunday, I’m sure. I will freely admit that I am abysmal at pop culture events and references – I see maybe 3 movies every year – mostly because I’m lazy and forget about movies to see or lack the drive to stay with a TV season. So when awards season rolls around, I usually watch the shows and track what people think out of my own curiosity, but I very rarely will have seen any of the movies involved. As a preface to this, I need to let you know that I haven’t seen American Sniper. I feel, though, that I can objectively call out these SCALDING HOT TAKES, because when the movie came out, the divisive firestorm around it meant that if it didn’t win ALL the awards at the Oscars, there were going to be some angry people on the internet, and guess what? There were! Let’s check in on the official American Sniper Facebook page to see how folks reacted:

That’s a pretty hot take there, Victoria. Most comments centered around the “Well Hollywood is LIBRUL so I’m not surprised!” argument. This one bolted on that extra “COMMUNISM!!!1” barb, so we’re going to use it to set the tone for the rest of what’s to come.

Or, perhaps, there were other movies that were also good? I mean, that’s possible, right? I enjoy that many of these comments didn’t say “well there were a lot of good movies this year. It’s a shame my favorite didn’t win”. No, they were all CONSPIRACY! THE OBJECTIVELY BEST THING DIDN’T WIN. OBUMMERS! MUSLIMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, since we’ve started doing non-football Fans React articles, I’ve missed the folks who downright accuse the system of being rigged. I sort of thought this comment was a nice way to hearken back to the halcyon days of some dude accusing Pete Carroll of throwing the Super Bowl for his own profit.

You laugh at this, and then you sit there for a while and realize that if this were an actual event, it’d pull millions of viewers and outpace the actual Oscars by a large margin. I also assume that it would be a modified version of Americas Funniest Home Videos sponsored by FarmersOnly and consisting of pixelated cell phone videos of mud bogging and people falling out of tree stands.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: AMERICAN SNIPER
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: LE SNIPER AMERIÇAN
BEST ANIMATED FILM: FROZEN 2: ELSA AND ANGEL CHRIS KYLE SAVE AMERICA

I WATCHED A MINUTE OR TWO OF THIS OTHER MOVIE AND I AM SURE IT IS TERRIBLE! I think all awards shows should judge solely on the the trailers. Any Best Comedy categories would be won by Battleship, which made me spit pop out of my nose when I saw giant alien pegs hitting the ships.

Hailey, you’ve got a strong contender for take of the week. There’s the capitalization of every word, the random usage of “Proff”, and the lack of a fourth digit in ‘2,000’. It’s really a quintessential Facebook comment, even without diving into the content. Once you do, you realize that if all award shows perfectly mirrored what Facebook deems is popular, every Pulitzer prize would be awarded to Buzzfeed clickbait articles about 90s kids.

I’d love to be sitting next to Tasha when she realizes that part of the Imitation Game focuses on Alan Turing’s sexuality. “WHAT. I WAS PROMISED NAZIS AND CODEBREAKIN’. I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR AWKWARD OFF-PUTTIN’ GAY DUDES.”

I knew at some point, someone would bring up Selma, and it would be predictably awful. Yep. There’s Andy, who somehow thinks that if you like Selma, you’re an illegal immigrant? I…..think? How does this even….how?

Oh no, Thomas! You’ve made a poor leap in logic. You’re assuming that if someone DIDN’T LOVE AMERICAN SNIPER WITH ALL THEIR HEART, THEY MUST BE AN ISIS!

Also: “Permote”

Not only is this a stupid comment that has someone actually mispelling “Hero”, but it also reminds me of those god-awful earworm radio ads in the early 2000s for Bud Light (I think?) called “Real American Heroes”. They played for awhile, and then 9/11 happened, and then maybe calling the Pool Hall Chalk Replacer Guy a Real American Hero wasn’t the best idea? I think they changed the ads soon after that.

BEST ACTUAL BURN:

This is as close as we’ll ever see to a perfectly executed Mortal Kombat fatality on Facebook.

TAKE OF THE WEEK:

WAT