One of the web’s greatest pleasures is wading into public Facebook and local news media postings for football teams that aren’t doing so hot. Inside these poorly moderated halls is where you find the true fans of America, willing to set spelling and anything approaching grammar aside for that one shining overreaction. Each week, we present these social media scholars in ‘____ Fans React Completely Reasonably’, because there is no better institution for intelligent, even-tempered discourse than the internet. The rules are simple: Find an annoyed fan base every week and dig out the bestworst publicly-accessible takes. Feel free to laugh, but know always that your team will be next, because all fans are secretly awful.
The Pro Bowl is awful. I didn’t watch it. You (probably) didn’t watch it either. The idea of picking teams and playing against each other is fun in theory, or as a set up for a sports radio segment, but breaks down when you actually put people on the field. So instead of trying to mine fan reactions related to the most boring football game of the year, I decided to give myself a challenge: What other popular Sunday television show would be the hardest to find SCORCHING HOT TAKES for? It would need to be popular enough to actually generate comments, but benign enough to be a challenge. It suddenly dawned on me: CBS Sunday Morning. Bland, safe, human interest stories and relaxing nature clips. There’s no fighting, yelling, or made-for-TV drama. It’s functionally NPR. And the viewership is old enough that they probably wouldn’t post things to Facebook about it, right?
Ha
Ahahahahahahahahaha.
CBS SUNDAY MORNING FANS REALLY LIKE INA GARTEN
One of the stories last week was apparently about the Barefoot Contessa, and BOY DO PEOPLE WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. Most stories had about 50-100 comments per post, but this one had over a thousand. Most were boring, as would be expected. Some were not.
Obviously, this is a reference to fellow Food Network chef Giada De Laurentiis, but Peggy here seems like the kind of person who probably wrote a sternly worded letter to the FCC about Janet Jackson’s nipple and thus subjected us to years of (even more) abysmal halftime shows featuring eight hundred year old mummified corpses with guitars. Also it’s super cool to imply here that someone can’t be sexy and also focus on good cooking. Way to keep those stereotypes going, Pegz!
Food Network shows are militant snob-fests? Have you watched Food Network recently? It’s 50% Guy Fieri’s verbal flatulence eating octuple mooseburgers with sixteen pounds of bacongravy on it, and 50% Chopped. And, really, I don’t mind Chopped, but we’re not going to sit here and call it snobby foodie TV, right?
BEST MISSPELLING
The hidden gem here is that the comment has been edited. The editing process didn’t pick up on the “COKING” part, which means that I’m totally justified in believing that the entire Carter administration was a blur of mirrors and razor blades. This actually made me wonder just exactly how much cocaine has been done in the White House. I mean, it has to be a non-zero number, right? Maybe not by the President, but SOMEONE has done it, I’m sure – just to say that they did. I need to stop before I spend four hours looking all this up.
CLASS: NOT JUST FOR FOOTBALL ANYMORE
Yes we never seen anyone from a wealthy background show off their means via handcrafted meals on teevee these days. That never happens. ALSO: We need to ban the word “classy” in online discussion. It’s so infuriatingly predictable. Go into a comments section about Marshawn Lynch and Ctrl+F for “Classy”. You’ll have your eyes gouged out by lunchtime.
BEST COMMENT ABOUT STONEHENGE:
Oh okay. Sure. There’s an article about the mysteries of Stonehenge (which I assume involved underground scanning) and yep, Sandy’s first thought is “MAN I BET WE COULD FIND MEXICANS WITH THIS. LEMMEE JUST TAG HOMELAND SECURITY HERE AND…THERE WE GO”. Also, this comment was posted at five in the morning, so I assume Sandy bolted upright out of bed and shouted “IMMIGRANTS!” before commenting.
OH GOD PACKERS FANS ARE HERE TOO
I sort of assumed that the overlap on the Venn Diagram of FOOBAW and those who watch CBS Sunday Morning was slim. Nad (*snrk* “nad”) here is the exception. Also, you’ll have to excuse me for a moment as I am *SHOCKED* that a Packer fan would need open heart surgery. NAY, I AM APPALLED AT THE NOTION.
HEY LOOK, LIBERAL CITY ELITES CAN BE ASSHOLES TOO!
Like a lot of the internet, I tend to break liberal in online discourse. It would be unfair of me to not mock my own in these comments. So Candace, I’m going to have to call you out here. Beef Jerky is awesome. So are classical musicians and art museums, and you know what else? Monster trucks. You’re right about NASCAR though. Nascar is dumb as shit.
Let’s all note that PACKER FAN NAD has rightly chimed in to defend beef jerky as a contribution to mankind, because Wisconsin. You proudly wave that banner, Nad.
WHERE ELSE WOULD MY FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER FIND OUT ABOUT PENISES
Hey Gayle. Gayle, we need to have a chat. Yes, those ads are kinda weird and uncomfortable, but your granddaughters probably already know all about it from this magical place called school. Does the fifteen year old have a phone? Does that phone have an app called Snapchat? Did she tell you it was for sending her friends hilarious yet wholesome pictures of silly faces and Bible verses? Gayle – it’s…it’s not. it’s for dicks. I don’t want to break the world for you but…Snapchat is a social media empire built around the idea of anonymous penises. I’m sorry. Your daughter has probably seen more dicks than you have at this point. And if the seven year old asks, then just crotch chop and walk away. It’s what the responsible parent would do.
OH NO SOMEONE ALERT GAMERGATE
MOM: Hello, I have a question
FAMILY VIDEO STORE EMPLOYEE: *wakes up from twenty year slumber* buh
MOM: Yes, is this the video game with the *hushes down to whisper* the sexing
EMPLOYEE: Ma’am that’s RBI Baseball ’94
*Ken Caminiti hits a home run*
OH HEY CRAZIES, THERE YOU ARE!
For context, this was a piece on a Muslim American playwright working in the US who struggles with the negative stigmatism of the religion in this country. WAY TO PROVE HIS POINT, TIM. I HOPE YOU STUMBLE AND FALL INTO A VAT OF CANCER.
People had A LOT TO SAY about the Bill Cosby accusations too. A lot of it was awful. There was also a post about campus sexual assaults that featured comments from men’s rights activists too abhorrent to post here. So, congratulations, assholes, you’ve turned what I thought would be the nicest, flame-free page on the internet into the same shit-filled heap we always see everywhere else.
THE OBLIGATORY
I love when old people assume that Facebook is a direct conduit to whatever producers or content executives lurk on the other side, and not just some feces-laden sandbox full of other idiots. “BLAH MY BLENDER DOESN’T WORK. LET ME JUST TYPE IT ON THE KITCHENAID FACEBOOKS. OH IT SAYS HERE THE PROBLEM IS OBAMA AND THE NEGRO”
TAKE OF THE WEEK
HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I FOUND A DICK JOKE ON THE CBS SUNDAY MORNING FACEBOOK PAGE.