As of this writing, the partial government shutdown has lasted 33 days, putting the lives of not only 800,000 furloughed employees in jeopardy, but also anyone flying in airplanes, wanting to not eat poisoned food or hoping we can stop any potential terrorist attack. Who to turn to for comfort? Probably not the guy who caused it. President Donald J. Trump has stubbornly stuck by his guns, using the language of kidnappers to get money for his border wall no matter what. He also doesn’t appear to know how grocery stores work.
As per New York, the 45th president was speaking to reporters — his only line to the American people now that Nancy Pelosi has shut down his State of the Union address, apart from his Twitter feed and constant media presence, of course — about controversial comments made by Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross, an 81-year-old billionaire who may have committed some finance crimes because what’s a Trump employee who may not possibly be going to jail?
Ross told CNBC he didn’t understand why furloughed workers are using food banks to survive, because, he said, “the obligations that they would undertake, say, borrowing from a bank or a credit union, are in effect federally guaranteed.” The loudest Arrested Development narrator voice possible here: They aren’t.
As it turns out, his boss, the president, thinks Ross misspoke, though Trump admitted he hadn’t heard Ross’ statement. Whatever it was, he wasn’t wrong; he was simply using the wrong words. And our president, as he’s informed us before, has the best words. So this golden-tongued orator tried to re-phrase Ross’ comments. How’d he do?
Donald Trump, defending Wilbur Ross, says government workers not receiving a paycheck because of the #TrumpShutdown can simply convince their local grocery stores to “work along” with them. pic.twitter.com/bIvu2CJxHb
— Keith Boykin (@keithboykin) January 24, 2019
Trump didn’t contest the bubbled statement that he hadn’t heard. “Local people know who they are, when they go for groceries and everything else,” Trump said. “I know banks are working along. If you have mortgages, the mortgagees, the folks collecting the interest and all of those things, they work along. And that’s what happens in time like this. They know the people, they’ve been dealing with them for years, and they work along.”
Yes, the president doesn’t only believe that the 800,000 employees struggling to pay rent or get insulin so they don’t die are happy that they’re being used as pawns. He also thinks most of America is an idyllic small town that’s effectively an autonomous collective — a socialist paradise where everyone supports everyone else, and people swap yarn so they can get phosphates at the local soda jerk. Perhaps this is what one believes when one’s been a millionaire since childhood.
In light of these comments, some did what they too often have to do when the leader of the free world says or does something both creatively moronic and bottomlessly terrifying: Go on social media and make savage jokes that double as primal screams about how we may all die because we live in the dumbest timeline.
Some pointed to the president’s long history of understanding how non-rich people live day-to-day.
old man who thinks cereal purchases require ID says groceries will loan food to furloughed workers on credit https://t.co/pSvbfXkBaz
— Travis Gettys (@wirecan) January 24, 2019
Some knew that the best way to embarrass Trump is simply to quote him word-for-word.
Direct quote from the President: "I know banks are working along if you have mortgages, the mortgagees, the mortgage, the folks collecting the interest and all of those things they work along and that’s what happens in times like this." pic.twitter.com/CHeXsDN26a
— Andrew Lawrence (@ndrew_lawrence) January 24, 2019
Some pointed to his perhaps inflated business acumen.
https://twitter.com/sparksjls/status/1088591544230297600
Some let loose howls of pure, righteous anger.
WATCH THIS AND KNOW THE DANGER TRUMP PUTS US ALL IN. Dumb as dog shit, heartless and corrupt. https://t.co/HVYMLEQPyY
— Judd Apatow 🇺🇦 (@JuddApatow) January 25, 2019
Some reminded us that SNL needs to step up its game.
One of the sad things about SNL becoming sub-Borowitz Famous Guys In Wigs Recite Literal Headlines For Clapter fodder on politics is that Trump's brain is pure extra-wet dog food. Just put him in a Price Is Right sketch or something! https://t.co/JrV54Iv5Zd
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) January 25, 2019
But let’s go back to grocery stores.
Trump is VERY confused about grocery stores work
He previously said you needed an ID to buy groceries
Today he said that furloughed workers who don’t have money for food can go to the grocery store and store will “work” with them
— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) January 24, 2019
Has he been to one?
https://twitter.com/tomtomorrow/status/1088584873382690819
What a strange way of saying “I’ve actually never grocery shopped before in my life.” https://t.co/bUfdYvtTGx
— Gabe Ortíz (@TUSK81) January 24, 2019
https://twitter.com/MollyJongFast/status/1088568946297589760
https://twitter.com/kashanacauley/status/1088593019316723712
https://twitter.com/AWolfeful/status/1088601861630812165
Some made good Arrested Development Jokes.
https://twitter.com/MikeIsaac/status/1088572065215438848
Others kept their eye on those 800,000 government employees.
I mean this is good information to know. Anyone know where this grocery store is? Asking for 800k friends. https://t.co/DKdj0enrqV
— Bakari Sellers (@Bakari_Sellers) January 24, 2019
Can anyone name one grocery store that does this? If true, 800,000 people need to know. https://t.co/6ttM3DEHeb
— Eugene Scott (@Eugene_Scott) January 24, 2019
Some asked if Trump understands the difference between the real and the reel.
https://twitter.com/WendyMolyneux/status/1088619496925851650
Others asked us to look at his make-up for clues.
Just saw the footage of him talking about how grocery stores will give you everything for free, and he looks like he put the Cheeto stuff on his hands, rubbed them together, slapped himself in the face a couple of times, and said, "I'm good."
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) January 25, 2019
Some reminded us that he has a history of screwing over contractors.
https://twitter.com/joshgreenman/status/1088604270906224640
Others wanted video proof that grocery stores were acting, well, socialist.
https://twitter.com/Kyle_Feldscher/status/1088568059583967232
https://twitter.com/justinhendrix/status/1088569116288536576
Others didn’t have jokes but sad stories to remind us that none of this is actually funny, and it may get worse.
This is the kind of thing small businesses do. Do you think any chain grocery store will do this? My dad lost so much money when the economy collapsed because he had to give his customers food so they wouldn’t starve and they couldn’t pay him back. He knew that. https://t.co/7z5id21Ily
— emokidsloveme, J.D., LLM (@emokidsloveme) January 24, 2019