Folks who write about video games like to complain about the crush of games they have to cover around the holidays, but don’t be fooled — I’ve reviewed games in the past and know from experience that it’s a pretty sweet gig. Not only are you getting paid to do something you’d do for free, but trashing bad games is fun and getting the word out on great games is rewarding. Again, sweet gig.
That said, at this point reviewers could save themselves some serious time and sore thumbs by simply skipping certain video game series. The series I’m talking about never really change — they’re never bad, but they’re never truly great either, and whether or not a gamer likes a particular entry in the series tends to have more to do with the gamer than the game itself.
As a service to the game reviewing community I’ve written up definitive reviews of five of the video game industry’s most predictable series. If you’re assigned to cover any of these series, simply copy and paste my reviews and then send me 50 bucks (that last part is optional, but I’d definitely appreciate it)…
Mario Kart
Once again Mario takes to the track in Mario Kart X! This one has 16 new tracks, 3 or 4 new battle stages, and a few new weapons that are all slight variations on the old turtle shell/mushroom/lightning bolt/boo line-up from the first game. The blue shell is still in, and it still sucks. Computer opponents still don’t have actual AI.
You’ll Like This Game If… — You’re in the 8-16 year old range, this is your first Mario Kart and you have enough friends to regularly play 4-player.
Pokemon
It’s time to catch them all, all over again! This time we have 150 new creatures, a new world that’s filled with characters and landmarks suspiciously similar to past games, and updated graphics (that are still a minimum of three hardware generations behind the times). Don’t worry, Pikachu is still in there somewhere.
Sadly Squirtle may not be.
You’ll Like This Game If… — You’ve never played a Pokemon game before, or you have some degree of Asperger’s.
WWE Wrestling Games
Oil up and jump into the squared-circle, it’s time for WWE 20XX! This game features an all-new roster of superstars (that will already be 6-months out of date by the time the game comes out) and all the bugs, glitchy graphics and stiff controls you’ve come to expect! Several new modes and match types have been added, but to keep balance the developers removed an equal number of already existing modes and match types. You can still make fat guys named “Hugh Jass” and “Bret ‘The Sh-tman’ Fart” in the character creator.
You’ll Like This Game If… — You regularly subject yourself to pro-wrestling.
Call of Duty
Okay soldiers, time to sign up for another Call of Duty! This one serves up another five hours of borderline on-rails action as you take on the Russians, or Chinese or some other freedom hating pinkos. Multiplayer is also back and provides just enough Call of Duty brand killstreakin’ fun to keep to keep the CoD withdrawal shakes away.
You’ll Like This Game If… — You’ve allowed Activision to sink its tendrils into your brain.
Madden Football
It’s time to play some FOOTBALL. This game let’s you play FOOTBALL in both career and exhibition modes. FOOTBALL.
You’ll Like This Game If… — FOOTBALL.
This is a football.