Is there any video game genre more oddly resilient than Olympic-style sports games? You know, those collections of sports minigames you play by mindlessly jamming buttons until your thumbs bleed? Since the Olympics license is expensive most of these games have some other weird theme or brand attached to them — everything from aliens, to hamsters, to Snoopy to the Tiny Toons characters have got in on the Olympic action.

Well, one Olympic-style sports game stands above all others on the proverbial medal podium — Caveman Games for the NES. Why? Uh, well, mainly because I was a dumb kid and rented it a lot for some reason, but also because it features great events like Dino Race and Mate Toss. Yeah, Mate Toss.

So, join me as I honor the 2012 Summer Olympic Games the best way I know how, with an event-by-event review of the 1988 “classic” Caveman Games…

The PC version of this game was called Caveman Ugh-Lympics. So yeah, you win this round PC elitists.

I went with Gronk because he has a lustrous caveman beard not unlike my own lustrous caveman beard. I will admit though, I was tempted by the sexy female “Crudla”.

Apparently my guy’s a rampant “self clubber”. I’ve definitely made the right choice.

Event #1 – Clubbing

Yes, every fight starts with an “Intimidation Phase”. My opponent looks fairly tough — meanwhile my guy is apparently distracted by particularly pretty rainbow off to the right of the frame.

Phase 2 of Clubbing: clubbing.

My “drive the other guy off the platform by taking a dump on it” strategy didn’t work out so well.

Event #2 – Mate Toss

Yes, this is a real thing that you can do in an NES game. Guess the Nintendo censors were taking the day off — or just horrible people.

Well, at least she seems to be having fun.

Clearly I needed to hurl this woman at a higher angle for maximum distance.

Sorry lady, I don’t know what the hell’s going on either.

Event #3 – Dino Vault

Ah, here I go, so full of optimism and bearded enthusiasm.

Then I fell down that pit. That dinosaur’s face says it all — he’s f–king disgusted with my performance.

Event #4 – Dino Race

Off to a flying start…

Time to encourage my dinosaur the only way a caveman knows how — by inflicting massive cranial damage.

…aaannnd now my dinosaur is dead. Gronk may look thoughtful as he sits in the dirt near his dead friend, but trust me, he’s learnt nothing.

Event #5 – Fire Start

Coincidentally most of my Caveman Games slash fic starts with Gronk and Glunk sitting spread eagle, looking deeply into each others eyes while somebody grunts nearby.

The end of my club is the only thing you’ll be discovering today Crudla.

So, whoever starts a fire first in this game gets their face all blackened. The graphics are pretty bad, so it’s hard to tell, but I think this may be pretty racist.

Event #6 – Saber Race

So, in this one you have to run away from a saber toothed tiger. Too bad I killed the dinosaur I was riding before.

You can push your opponent down so the tiger can catch them. That blue blob is me being devoured.

“Would you like to play again? You have selected no.”

Final Verdict

Well, Caveman Games certainly has more loincloths and clubbing-based mechanics than your average Olympic-style sports game. Sure, it’s a bit blatant with the misogyny, and may even feature some racist imagery, but you have to remember, this game was a product of a different time. Back in 1988 I didn’t know a single kid that wasn’t involved in Mate Toss little league.

In the end, perhaps the best thing I can say about Caveman Games, is that it’s really raised my excitement for the real world Olympics. I mean, have you been following Clubbing? Gonna be super competitive this year.