It’s the offseason, but that doesn’t mean you have to go the entire spring and summer without laughing at stupid people on the internet. Between now and the kickoff to the new season in September, we here at Kissing Suzy Kolber have taken it upon ourselves to bring you the greatest non-football takes on Facebook and other esteemed social media outlets. We may sneak in a few teams here and there as news warrants, but for the most part all groups, NFL or not, are now fair game. Enjoy!
Oh man. Up until last night, I was planning on doing Facebook commentary about people at IHOP’s Free Pancake Day. You see, I thought that in the past few weeks we’d gotten a bunch of SERIOUS, ANGRY topics that were often highly politicized. You know what we all can agree on? Free pancakes. Who out there could object to sitting down at a table and being handed free pancakes?
Ah yeah, people who hate tipping. Tipping discussions are a POWDER KEG of opinions. Have you ever tried discussing proper tipping with anyone else, ever? It’s probably second to arguments over Mideast politics in terms of futility. I happily began harvesting idiots and putting them in the Taek Sack.
But then, something magical happened in actual football: The Eagles decided to offload LeSean McCoy to the Bills for an ex-Duck, and the moderate, compassionate fans of the Philadelphia Eagles went onto the internets to discuss it.
At that point, I scrapped the entire pancake post because I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t take this opportunity to wade back into Eagles Facebook. Last season we did an Eagles Fans React post, and it did not disappoint. Now that everyone’s favorite player was dumped without warning, guess what? There’s some cussing. There’s…a lot of cussing.
Stacey it’s okay to say ‘fuck’. Every single other person in these 3,000 comments did.
Eagles fans can fit more profanity in a post than any other group. Telly here had A LOT to say throughout the thread. Let’s visit his profile!
Just sit for a minute and take this in. This could be the world’s most perfect Eagles fan. Let’s see if he has anything else to say:
I hope you’re a real person, Telly. I hope you call in to every sports radio show and yell very loudly and have to be muted. You are the essence of this very column. Never stop achieving.
ADVENTURES IN WORDS I DIDN’T THINK YOU COULD MISSPELL:
pitcher. PITCHER. Good lord. NOT THE BASEBALL KIND.
SHADDY. WHO PUTS IN AN EXTRA D. IT’S A COMMON FIVE LETTER WORD. FIVE. LETTERS.
I read this three times and thought that said “Murica worker” each and every time. But no, it isn’t.
LOLOLOLOLOL
Aahahahahahaahaahahahaha;sfdjalksdfj;laksfj as;klfjsa;f hahahahahaklsdjhfahahahaha oh god ahaha hah aha ha. You know that if you switched for Andy Reid, you’d be upset within 72 hours of the season starting. It probably wouldn’t even take that long. After he blows his final timeout with 10 minutes left in the third quarter, you’ll have signed his death warrant. Again.
I HOPE THIS IS HYPERBOLE OR I MAY HAVE TO CALL THE POLICE
I honestly think that if a coach died in some tragic accident, there would be horrible people on the internet that would be happy about it. “GOT WHAT WAS COMIN TO HIM FOR TRADING X.” That’s the day I stop doing this, because fuck those people.
Brandon, no. There’s things you don’t joke about on the internet, and fucking COMMITTING SUICIDE BECAUSE OF THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES is one of them. Don’t desensitize people to actual cries for help. Don’t be that guy, Brandon.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON:
I ran this one past a few people because sometimes I assume I’m missing a cultural reference of some kind. Sometimes autocorrect screws something up, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what Daniel is saying. Is this a choking-the-chicken joke? Bouncing checks? I DON’T UNDERSTAND.
Oh shit we found Gargamel. He’s an Eagles fan.
PEOPLE LOVE THREATENING NOT TO BUY STUFF THEY INEVITABLY WILL BUY ANYWAY
Ooooh! We almost went through the entire thread without someone accusing someone else of a payoff! And we get the first badly punned coach name! CHUMP KELLY. WHAT A BURN.
*bullshit
*Cole
*too
*Super
*Bowl
*yeah
*any
*stuff
sigh.
OF FUCKING COURSE:
Yes, this is a joke. I think. Look, my sanity requires that this be a joke.
AND NOW, A WORD FROM YOUR UNCLE:
of course
STOP ENCOURAGING HIM, DAVID.
What? Baton? Like…like a marching baton? A track baton? Sausage fingers trying to type ‘Nation’?
TAKE OF THE WEEK:
I sighed audibly when I read this one. Joan had an entire thread where she just went on tangent after tangent, to the point where people, ACTUAL OTHER EAGLES FANS WHO ALSO WERE RANTING, were telling her to chill. It wasn’t interesting enough to screencap it all, but this was the last post, and provides that horrible, awful mic-drop we were looking for. Never change, Eagles fans. Never.