Did you think we were done with being snarky about movies based on board games? We aren’t, so of course we’ll point out that The Avengers was the #1 movie at the box office this weekend, grossing $55M in its third week to Battleship‘s disappointing $25.3M opening. Both movies had similar budgets. Somewhere, Taylor Kitsch should really be smacking his agent. The dude has potential, but he’s only had one movie score above 50% on Rotten Tomatoes (John Carter at 52%).
But that’s not what we’re here for. We’re here to read every line of dialogue Rihanna utters in Battleship. Because if you’re going to stuntcast a pop star, you’ll at least give them some memorable lines, right? Yeah, about that . . .
Rihanna’s film debut is a memorable one. The Barbadian singer is wet for much of Battleship, her Navy uniform is uncommonly flattering, and the majority of her dialogue is composed of exclamations. It’s a veritable master class in one-line utterances. Most of her lines fall into one of several categories: sassy (“Get up, princess!”), confused (“What the hell is that?”) or surprisingly competent (“Contact two miles out.”) [Vulture]
She had a total of 68 lines of dialogue, not quite enough to fill a novella (ella, ella, eh, eh, eh). Um, anyway, here are all 68 lines.
- “What’s wrong with you drama queen?
- “Get up princess! Come on!”
- “Typical”
- “Shut up. Shut up.”
- “Oh, this gon’ be sweet. He hates the man.”
- “You go mess with him and see what happens!”
- “Chicken!”
- “Kentucky Fried Chicken!”
- “You look like Colonel Sanders, actually.”
- “Yo Saunders, ever been in a department run by some kind of Donald Trump/Mike Tyson mutant combo?”
- “Nothing, sir.”
- “If you did, it was only in reference to the fact the you both project great physical intensity, sir.”
- “I got something sir, on my camera.”
- “I don’t know.”
- “Is this some kind of exercise?”
- “You ever seen anything like this?”
- “Weird, man.”
- “Real bad idea, Lieutenant.”
- “Lieutenant, get up.”
- “Lieutenant.”
- “Come on, you with me?”
- “Come on, squared away?”
- “What the hell is that?”
- “Ahhhhhhh!”
- “Ahhhhhhh!”
- “What happened?”
- “What?”
- “Who’s in charge?”
- “Fire control’s offline. I need three minutes.”
- “(Heavy sigh)”
- “My dad said they’d come. Said it my whole life. He said one day we’d find them, or they’d find us. Know what else he said? He said, I hope I ain’t around when that day comes.”
- “No sir!”
- “Nothing sir, nothing.”
- “Yo, hey!”
- “Come on, come on, come on.”
- “Mahalo, motherfu—”
- “What the hell is that?”
- “Sir.”
- “Roger, Echo 1-1.”
- “Box 24. Ready to fire.”
- “India 3-7, locked.”
- “Sir, we’re hot over here. We’re good to go, let’s light ‘em up.”
- “Tango 1-9, loaded.”
- “Whiskey 2-5.”
- “Negative, sir, it’s moving all over the place. I can’t get a line on it.”
- “Sucker’s really jumping around.”
- “40 minutes sir.”
- “Contact is seven minutes out and closing fast.”
- “Contact two miles out.”
- “Contact ETA 21 seconds.”
- “Boom.”
- “Yeah!”
- “Get up!”
- “Let’s go!”
- “Go, go, go!”
- “Yes, sir.”
- “Oh yes sir.”
- “Awesome.”
- “Sir, we’ll be in weapons range in 5 minutes.”
- “Aimed at target.”
- “Sir, that’s the wrong direction!”
- “Sir.”
- “Coordinates.”
- “Elevation.”
- “Come on, take the picture, Beast.”
- “Navy!”
- “Come on, Hopper!”
- “Look dapper!”
Powerful stuff.