Matt Schaub: Boy Joe, it sure is nice taking a break this is offseason to drive around San Francisco! What a beautiful day.
Joe Flacco: It sure is Matt. And don’t forget we’ve got an awesome tour of Wells Fargo corporate headquarters later today! I hear they’ve got the latest X9000 cubicles and Swingline 4600P staplers. Should be a real doozy!
*sudden rumbling shakes the Earth*
PASSERBY: HOLY SH*T IT’S A F*CKING EARTHQUAKE! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Schaub: What’s going on Joe?
Flacco: Sounds like an earthquake, Matt. My guess is that the San Andreas fault has ripped a mile-wide gash in the Earth and will soon swallow the Bay Area whole, creating a massive tidal wave that will wipe away everything we hold dear.
Schaub: What should we do?
Flacco: Well as you can see I’ve put on my right blinker to signal to other drivers that we intend to turn and head down Bosworth Street. We will then carefully check our mirrors to ensure that it is safe to proceed and check nearby signage for a posted speed limit. Then we will merge onto I-280 and head south from downtown San Francisco and escape the impending apocalypse.
Schaub: OK! What should I do?
Flacco: Go ahead and call 911 to report the imminent loss of the city. I need to focus on my driving. Distractions mean accidents!
Schaub: JOE THERE’S A GIANT CRACK OPENING UP AHEAD! IF YOU GUN IT WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE INTERSECTION BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
Flacco: Nonsense, Matt, there’s a red light. A natural disaster of Biblical proportions is no reason to suddenly disregard carefully considered municipal laws. It’s what separates man from beast.
Schaub: Good point, Joe. I’m sorry I got a little bit excited.
Flacco: No worries, Matt. We’ll have to double back and head across the Golden Gate Bridge. *finds that the bridge is completely jammed with traffic from residents attempting to flee* Let me just report traffic ahead on my Waze app. I’m going to go ahead and cite the cause as “accident ahead.”
Schaub: Looks like our last route of escape has been cut off, Joe. The Golden Gate Bridge is collapsing into the sea!
Flacco: I’ll call Triple-A then. Fortunately I have a rewards card with them that will get me a free meal at Applebee’s.