To the Internet, Samantha Goudie will forever be known as Vodka Samm, the girl who blew a .341 BAC after getting massively drunk during a college football game. It’s an unfortunate side effect to living in the Google Age (recall the anonymous Ask.com Days), and few have been equal parts saluted and hated as hard as Vodka Samm in recent memory.
Goudie recently spoke to her college’s newspaper, the Daily Iowan, about the incident, and how she “didn’t come to college to be Vodka Samm.” As tempting as it is to make fun of someone with a foot tattoo that doubles as a life lesson, I won’t; Goudie rejected endorsement deals after her story went viral, and she seems to honestly want to move past what happened. Instead, save your mockery for the reporter, who makes the most tortured metaphor I’ve ever heard in a news broadcast. Why, it’s almost as tortured as Vodka Samm feels…