Nearly everyone with a vague interest in technology and/or fitness received a Fitbit last Christmas. People wore them religiously for a few months, but the little critters tend to easily fall off. The bracelets also vibrate at inopportune times. Syncing and charging capabilities aren’t great, either. These formerly beloved fitness bands ended up gathering dust on top of a nightstand.
One woman plucked her Fitbit up from early retirement and put it to use in the bedroom. She got busy with her boyfriend (for eight full minutes!) and uploaded the graph-based results for the internet’s pleasure. Reddit commenters had a blast pulling off a faux-situation analysis. Some of the better excerpts:
That’s a long time spent cooling off afterwards.
This is some derivative calculus sh*t right here.
It’s the aftershock that gets me. Is this a thing? Only dated ONE girl that told me that’s what was happening. I just thought she was really bad at faking.
Knees give out, moms spaghetti.
I put a Fitbit on my inflatable lover. She flatlined throughout our lovemaking and stared at me with cold, lifeless eyes. I feel so dead inside.
Looks like she rode him for 30 seconds, caught her breath, rode another 20 seconds and climbed off.
He brought her to orgasm in 6 minutes and everybody is hating. They jelly.
It takes me 8 minutes just to brush off the dirt and get the spiders out of her hair.
This is getting a little too meta for my liking.
Could this graph be faked? Someone with a religious Fitbit obsession would know the answer to that question. What I find suspicious is how this lady was able to precisely recall every up and down, which allowed her to properly label such a graph. These eight minutes must not have been that mind blowing after all.