I’m sure Variety has some sort of scientific algorithm for when somebody has officially broken into super stardom, but I generally just base it on whether my mom knows who they are. (She didn’t stop referring to Vince Vaughn as “that tall funny guy” until The Breakup came out.) I’m not sure she knows exactly who Chris Pratt is, but that’s destined to change in the extremely near future.
It’s been well documented around here just how awesome Chris Pratt is and the world is finally starting to catch on. Chris Pratt has been killin’ it for years as an actor, and his abs finally started pulling their A-game with Zero Dark Thirty. Seriously, Pratt has been getting swoll, son! While 50 percent of the ticket buying population probably couldn’t care either way about Chris Pratt’s body transformation from hilarious, slightly chubby guy to hilarious beefcake, Hollywood knows the other 50 percent of ticket buyers are all about it.
And because this is the internet, it means were going to dissect Chris Pratt’s physical evolution. Let’s take a look at Pratt’s timeline from flabby lead singer of Mousetrap to “dammit, dude is incredibly fit” lead singer of Mousetrap (who also happens to be starring in Guardians of the Galaxy and Jurassic World).
Everwood, Bright Abbott — 2002
You might have forgotten, but before Chris Pratt started eating mouthfuls of Skittles/Starburst sandwiches, he was actually pretty fit. This was likely due to a stiff guideline that’s in the contract of all actors on WB shows that forbids them from doing anything that would result in them being anything less than “incredibly good-looking.”
How to get the bod: Be 20-years-old again with an active metabolism.
Strangers With Candy, Brason — 2005
Not too much physical change here from Everwood except for one glaring distinction — Pratt mullet! Also, Chris had the guns on full display for this particular scene. That sort of attire would never be acceptable for a Pawnee City employee, so it’s good Pratt took advantage while he could.
How to get the bod: Simple, grow a mullet and cut off all your shirt sleeves.
The O.C., Ché — 2006
Ya know, Chris Pratt still looks fairly in shape here. Sure, any weight gain he’s put on is cleverly hidden under dirty hippie clothing, but I also doubt Summer Roberts would be dating a fatty.
How to get the bod: Increase your intake in burritos and hit up any head shop for a Che Guevara shirt.
Wanted, Barry — 2008
The hippie scruff is gone and Pratt has traded in his tribal beads for slacks. If his character from Everwood had entered a role in the corporate world this would be the look.
How to get the bod: Being that Barry was a douchebag of a best friend, this look is achieved by pounding protein shakes and sleeping with main character’s girlfriend.
Parks and Recreation, Andy Dwyer — 2009
When you’re pulling in weekly NBC cash one can afford to pour melted ice cream on all of their meals. It’s also how a crime-fighting agent like Burt Macklin is made.
How to get the bod: Like the caption says, pour melted ice cream on your ice cream. Also, ham.
Money Ball, Scott Hatteburg — 2011
Whoa, Chris Pratt takes a few months off from regular “nothing but smoked meat” lunches with Nick Offerman for Moneyball and all of a sudden he’s slim and trim. He could have easily gone with the Babe Ruth look for a pro ball player image, but instead channeled a swim team captain.
How to get the bod: Land a major motion picture deal that will pay you to get in pro athlete shape.
Zero Dark Thirty, Justin — 2012
As much crime that Burt Macklin does take down on Parks and Rec, he just doesn’t have the physique to take out Osama Bin Laden. Macklin is more of a grab a box of Krispy Kremes while on a steakout kinda guy. Thanks to Pratt’s Conan appearance this is when the internet really started to take notice of his physical transformation — even if he did gain the weight back on Parks and Rec.
How to get the bod: Follow the same advice as above, but swap pro athlete for Navy SEAL.
Her and Delivery Man, Paul/Brett — 2013
This is when the planets truly aligned for Chris Pratt. Hollywood took notice of his praise for Zero and Moneyball and he bagged parts in an Oscar-winning movie and a wide release comedy — and he didn’t have to shed a pound for either of them. Nothing but bathrobes and baggy dad clothing, baby.
How to get the bod: Remember that melted ice cream diet from earlier? Yeah, apply that while watching seasons 1-5 of Parks and Rec on Netflix.
Guardians of the Galaxy, Peter Quill — 2014
Huh? What is going on here? Fit, flabby, fit, flabby; Chris Pratt’s body seems to enjoy keeping the internet guessing from year to year. As Pratt stated on his Instagram, this was achieved with lots of time at the gym and six months of no beer. (The Homer Simpson belly just isn’t the desired look a Star-Lord should go for.)
How to get the bod: Be cast as an intergalactic warrior in a multi-million dollar Marvel movie. Also, take an honest look in the mirror and ask yourself if you want to quit beer for six months. …I didn’t think so.