Donald Trump recently ad-libbed (yikes!) a threat to North Korea on Twitter, and this is happening this is a sentence I just typed. In what seems to be a pattern of Trump trying to tweet us into the apocalypse, he promised “fire and fury like the world has never seen” to North Korea if they don’t step correct. Oddly, the next tweet wasn’t “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?”
But surely this will all end well, considering Trump’s impressive people skills and so forth, and we even have our worst people on it. So Twitter used the occasion to make jokes about our impeding destruction. At least we’ll have laughs in the Wasteland. Yay?
Some people on Twitter figured this was all just par for the course:
some rich fuckstick starting a nuclear war from his golf course seems like a pretty good way to tie up humanity's narrative threads
— mattie lubchansky (@Lubchansky) August 8, 2017
Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, currently in a battle to see who is the craziest man on the planet.
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) August 9, 2017
Can't believe we're all about to be killed in a nuclear war between an Oompa Loompa and Augustus Gloop
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 8, 2017
And others kept it in perspective:
I wonder how the white working class feels about nuclear war
— Marcus H. Johnson (@marcushjohnson) August 9, 2017
https://twitter.com/kennethn/status/895036508163276801
Some wishes we just would have clapped:
https://twitter.com/_s_clark/status/895050042473623553
Others theorized how Trump’s supporters would react to a nuclear war:
"Well, I'm certainly concerned," said Sen. Lindsay Graham, staring at the mushroom cloud. "It's very troubling," added Sen. Ben Sasse.
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) August 8, 2017
[Post-nuclear war hellscape]
TUCKER CARLSON (holding torch atop throne of skulls): Our top story tonight. Why does Teen Vogue hate America?
— Daniel Lin (@danwlin) August 9, 2017
Just to restate, disliking nuclear war makes you a liberal. Everyone clear on that? https://t.co/5gPmFb1knZ
— Hend Amry (@LibyaLiberty) August 9, 2017
https://twitter.com/tomtomorrow/status/895034785655136257
Some assumed the only thing that can save us is if Trump stands to personally lose some money if millions of us die in a nuclear blast.
I'd feel a lot safer right now if Trump had hotels in Guam.
— Brett Kelman (@BrettKelman) August 9, 2017
Overheard at the WH: I'm pretty sure POTUS won't start a nuclear war – it would be bad for his property investments.
— Brian J. Karem (@BrianKarem) August 9, 2017
And some theorized about the after-times and made Twilight Zone “Time Enough At Last” references:
"How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?"
"Well …" [I stoke the fire] "It was Hashtag International Cat Day…"
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) August 8, 2017
*wandering nuclear wasteland*
*goes to enter Netflix password on ipad, it slips- shatters*
ME: NO. IT'S NOT FAIR! THERE WAS TIME NOW!
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) August 8, 2017
https://twitter.com/teenfarts/status/895186188553904128
While others were still thinking about the past:
I remember a time where you could go to bed without worrying about what the president might do to start a nuclear war before morning.
— Jared Yates Sexton (@JYSexton) August 9, 2017
Say what you want about Obama, but I never once worried about a damned nuclear war…
— Charles M. Blow (@CharlesMBlow) August 8, 2017
https://twitter.com/TineshaCapri/status/895054708728930304
The part of my brain that is saying "there won't be a nuclear war" is the same part that was saying "he can't really win." on election night
— Matt Mira (@MattMira) August 9, 2017
And there were plenty of variations on this joke:
It is kind of poetic that there is now a nuclear standoff between a literal Fat Man and Little Boy
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) August 8, 2017
America should have expected some nuclear comeuppance when it elected someone who is both a fat man and a little boy.
— Ben W!ers (@benwiers) August 10, 2017
Not to mention the “but her emails” category of Trump reaction tweets:
We're closer to a nuclear war than we've been in 55 years because guys wanted to jail a woman for using email.
— L O L G O P (@LOLGOP) August 8, 2017
Whew. Good thing we didn't elect the candidate who was "threatening escalation with North Korea" & hurtling us towards nuclear war/WW3… 😑 pic.twitter.com/aHvhzOOGOC
— Caroline Orr Bueno, Ph.D (@RVAwonk) August 9, 2017
Trump made threats to an enemy country to make himself feel big. Good thing we didn't elect that lady with her volatile lady-emotions.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 9, 2017
Some tried to come to terms with the inexorable march toward the infinite:
GODDAMNIT I DID NOT SURVIVE CANCER JUST TO GET FRIED TO A CRISP BY THE FORMER HOST OF 'CELEBRITY APPRENTICE"
— Gabe Ortíz (@TUSK81) August 8, 2017
"am i comfortable dying with these assholes?"
— how i enter every room in 2017— ziwe (@ziwe) August 9, 2017
And some looked on the bright side:
So, for the pool, who had 6 months, 2 weeks and 5 days for Nuclear War Escalation?
— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) August 8, 2017
Can't lose the 2020 election if there is no 2020. pic.twitter.com/PhMdPu3x1h
— Bilge Ebiri (@BilgeEbiri) August 8, 2017
I haven't worked out the details but I'm pretty sure we can fix this mess with closed-circuit TV and a replica of the Fox & Friends set.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) August 9, 2017