Ah, the one-night stand, when you (often drunkenly) sleep with someone you never intend to see again, or if you’re Finch from America Pie, call the cops because your house guest won’t leave and she’s pulled a knife on you. Everyone either has a story, or knows someone who has one, and they’re almost always hilarious. Especially when poop is involved. Redditors were asked to share their “worst experience of waking up after a one-night stand,” and boy, they did not disappoint. Here are 10 of the best responses, ranked from least to most uncomfortable.
10. Parent-teacher conference… in bed
The man I spent the night with had a child who was also my student. It was an awkward breakfast.
9. Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve
After my first night with my eventually ex-husband he rolled over and asked, “Jennifer did we have sex last night?” My name is not Jennifer. should’ve run at that point.
8. He’s not even mad, that’s amazing
She was actually really cute and she got up to leave so I just said lock the door behind you because super hungover. So finally I make my way out of bed and she had taken all of the food in my house along with my blender like how the f*ck did you pull this off?!
7. Employee of the month on Mom
Hooked up with a cougar from the bar at which I worked. Woke up the next morning to sounds coming from the kitchen. She says it’s her son. For some reason she also mentions he’s starting a new job that day. I say a brief hello to him as I leave the house. Guess who showed up at my work for training later that day.
6. Happens
Well I woke up next to someone and immediately regretted the decision I had made drunkenly the night before. So I get up slowly to be as quiet as I could and started putting on my clothes, ready to leave. I got halfway down the staircase before I realized I was trying to sneak out of my own house. F*ck.
5. “F*ck my clothes, I’ll use his clothes”
I wake up to him saying “sh*t!! My dad wasn’t supposed to come home so early” (I had just thought he lived with roommates) He tells me to jump in his closet (I’m fully nude and my clothes are in the living room) I start to argue but he insists and so I get in there and hear them having small talk for almost an hour. I realize I really have to pee, and they just drag on and I’m dancing around. And then the guy I slept with left for work!!!! And I can hear the dad making breakfast and just settling in. I panic, how am I gonna get my clothes…. F*ck my clothes, I’ll use his clothes, so I take the stuff in the closet; all I found were shirts. I f*cking ran for my life full speed through the house with sex hair and a long shirt to my car. The dad yelled “what the damn hell who are you!!”
4. Granny would be proud
woke up with no memory of each other, then she began screaming about being late to her grandma’s funeral. Dropped her off in a tiny dress not wearing shoes still drunk as f*ck in front of her entire extended family.
3. A new daddy
Nothing says good morning like a toddler tugging on the blankets saying “Mommy who is that in your bed?”
2. This poor girl hasn’t pooped since
My friend told me this story: That friend of him had a one night stand while being completely drunk. They both slept naked. The next morning, he wakes up and wants to go to the bathroom. He then notices he sh*t in that girls bed while they were both asleep. Now, still completely drunk, he has to think about getting out of that situation smooth. He could’ve just ran away but instead he decided to gently push that girl into his sh*t. He then cleaned himself and left. Just imagine that girl waking up, remembering she had a one night stand. Then she notices the sh*t she’s laying on and thinks she has to be the one who shat in the bed and the guy must’ve ran away in disgust.
1. The worst one of all
The son of a bitch stayed for 2 days after and then actually called me back and kept being there for 3 years. Asked me to marry him a few months ago, the dick.
What a monster.
(Via Reddit)