You may have heard that we’re in for a very special musical episode of “America’s Next Top Model.” This promises to be classy as hell.
Lisa is still gloating from last week’s victory when a new TyraMail comes in. A little girl is on the screen. She is described as Madison, YouTube sensation. She offers a makeup lesson; the contestants coo politely. Madison then burbles something about “keeping a beat.” The musical challenge grows ever closer.
Here comes Mr. Jay wearing way too many rings. He introduces Tom Polce, a producer with CBS Records. Mr. J then invokes the unholy name of Rebecca Black and puts her in the same sentence as Justin Bieber, holding them both up as pillars of viral YouTube success.
Like I said: this challenge won’t be tacky at all.
For the record, the girls will write their own lyrics to record over tracks that already have been written for them. Then comes the video, then comes YouTube, then comes the new Rebecca Black.
And just in case you’re wondering what’s in it for the contestants, a bonus: Whoever wins gets to have a loved one flown in to watch this magic happen in person. Shannon wants to see her husband, because Jesus isn’t available.
Lisa already has experience in songwriting; the producer is impressed with her insta-lyrics. Allison and her googly Muppet eyes struggle with writing a song, but in the end, natch, she decides she wants to write about her dad’s death. She’s upbeat like that. The producer likes it. Angelea also has a “clear story” with her lyric, but Lisa wins the challenge.
“Can this bitch stop winnin’? Please?” Angelea complains.
Lisa will get to see her fiance. We will get to see Lisa’s fiance, which should be intriguing.
The girls arrive at the Village recording studio. Then the producer throws a wrench into everything. You know that part about how the girls had to write their own lyrics? Well they all have to include a hook that was written by Tyra. Because Tyra is the real star of this show, bitches.
“Pot Ledom: Top Model Spelled Backwards.” That’s the hook. Thanks, Tyra. How that phrasing will fit in with Allison’s dad’s death is a mystery at the moment. Allison cries out of her big Muppet eyes.
Into the recording booth, ladies!
OK, get this: Allison can even sing, in the way that Charlotte Gainsbourg can sing, which is sort of. The producer loves it.
Alexandria needs to wear sunglasses while recording. Lisa seems to do the best; Shannon, at least, is impressed with Lisa. And oh yes: So is the producer.
That’s a wrap! Everyone goes back to the house. We learn that Lisa’s fiance is named Adam and he’s normal looking. Onward.
The next day, Mr. Jay meets the contestants and announces that he liked every single song that the girls did. Every single one! So now let’s make a video! Whee!
Game arrives to help the girls make their videos. He will direct, in fact. Angelea loses it.
Dominique dips it low in front of the camera, over and over; Game thinks it’s on purpose and asks her to stop. But the real reason for Dom’s dippin’ is that she’s trippin’. Literally. She’s falling over equipment.
Alexandria has trouble making love to a car in front of a camera, which is like, required for pop stars, right Rihanna? Her song is all about “go, go, go,” but she’s so stiff that Game calls her a “tin man.”
Ouch.
Tyra arrives again, this time in person. Again, just in case we forget who’s the star. She announces that she will be in the video in order to photo bomb every single one of these poor girls. Another viral sensation, Keenan Cahill, is there to finish the job.
Shannon starts filming. She looks like she thinks she’s Faith Hill. Shannon is playing with curtains because that means romance. It’s fine.
Then comes Lisa, who totally kills it.
Up next in front of the camera: poor Laura. She can’t sing, but she can write a song and act it out.
And poor, poor, poor Angelea. She can’t sell the simple idea of “not goin’ nowhere.” The Game hopes he can work some sort of magic in post.
Allison and Game bond over dead relatives before she stars her work.
“Her face is like a work of art, that’s crazy,” Game raves. Mr. Jay agrees that she’s oddly fabulous.
Panel time!
Judges: noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, Andre Leon Talley in a straw boater, Game.
Dominique is judged first. Hey, she sounds like J. Lo. Who knew? Game is impressed.
Laura should not quit her day job. She’s upstaged by Cahill, who isn’t even in the frame. But her southern-girl-themed video is fun and charming and nobody’s mad at it.
Angelea looks positively gorgeous on camera, but her eyes betray nothing more than a fierce tiredness.
“Little flat for me,” Talley notes. Game agrees.
Here comes Alexandria. My eyes, they bleed! Oh, this is going viral, all right — just like that poor little boy on his way home from the dentist. No one likes the video. Almost no one likes Shannon’s flat curtain-playing video either.
Now comes Lisa. Talley loves it and compares Lisa’s energy to Missy Elliott.
“I wish I had that song on my iPod,” Game raves. “Get out of here and open up for Lady Gaga or something.”
Oh just give Lisa the top spot again already.
Last up: Allison, starring her holy-crap gi-mongous blue whale eyeballs.
“You are weird, and it is the greatest thing in the world,” Game tells Allison. “You are the most weirdly beautiful person I have ever seen in my life.”
Whoa, does Game have a little crush on Allison?
“I am attracted to her,” he admits to the panel.
Which is why she gets the top spot! She beats out Lisa, who comes in at No. 2! The rest, in order: Dominique, Laura, Shannon.
Bottom two: Angelea, Alexandria.
Alexandria gets verbally flattened by Tyra because she’s just a model, not really an all-star. Angelea is in the bottom two for the third time, and, well, that’s not good either.
But Angelea gets to stay. Alexandria go, go, goes home.
Next week: The girls are headed to the totally-not-troubled land of Greece!