‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’ recap: Reunion Pt. 2

Ah, it’s time for part two of the never-ending “The Real Housewives of Orange County” reunion! Since this is the last time (I think?) the gals will be able to hurl insults and make vicious accusations until, of course, next season, there’s a good chance we’ll have some good ol’ catfightin’. But more importantly, Brooks is taking the stage, which means Tamra will have her claws out. Maybe Brooks can pelt her with Hallmark cards and affirmations. Just a thought.

But first, Andy Cohen kicks things off by noting this season marked the end of Gretchen and Alexis as a power couple (in the friendly sense, of course). There’s a rehashing of their dust-up at the bunco party, and no matter how many times Heather tries to assure Alexis that Gretchen did have her back, Alexis still feels backless. Or something. Gretchen tries a different tactic by pointing out that Alexis didn’t defend her when Vicki went after her, so why is she being so whiny? That was different! Somehow! 

Still, that isn’t the REAL problem between Gretchen and Alexis. Alexis doesn’t feel Gretchen was supportive of her getting the job at Fox 5! Gretchen says she was offered the job first! Alexis says that’s not true! Gretchen produces an e-mail supporting her claim! Alexis produces an e-mail supporting HER claim! Gretchen says Fox 5 asked her to take Alexis’ job because she sucked! Alexis says Fox 5 told her that Gretchen sucked! I think the truth is that Fox 5 sucks in the way most of Hollywood tends to suck when it comes to talent, because they blew smoke up BOTH of their asses! 

Tamra decides to kill the argument and hand Gretchen the win by asking Alexis, “Do you still work there?” Alexis mutters, “I am not… currently… working there.” Gretchen and Tamra, to their credit, do not indulge in a high five. 

Time to salute our newest Housewife! Heather, whom Andy tells us is known as Fancypants by the girls, has a 14,300 square foot house. But that doesn’t include the garage OR the loggias, Heather is quick to point out. Yeah, Heather is Fancypants, though Alexis calls her floity-toity. And that is not a typo, no matter how many times my computer tries to correct that word. 

Andy also brings up Bowgate, which was just like Watergate if it had nothing to do with politics and was extremely silly. Heather admits it got a little crazy and it didn’t have to, but suggests that’s the fault of the chick who ate the bow. Well, that was a nonstarter, wasn’t it?

Given that the women are behaving themselves altogether too well, Andy asks Brooks to take the couch so the ladies can get all hella fired up. Brooks says he didn’t study the show to woo Vicki. He didn’t even know Vicki was on the show! Tamra calls B.S., pointing out that Brooks used far too many “RHoOC” phrases that he wouldn’t have picked up elsewhere. How would a middle-aged Southern guy know to say “the bomb dot com”? Unless he spent a great deal of time with shriek-y seventh graders? Or watched the show? Tamra also thinks Brooks’ affirmations are crap and that he’s fake. Brooks says Southerners are “deep-rooted people. We like to affirm the people closest to us.” Vicki gloats. What a prize she’s found in this deadbeat dad! Oh, and Andy helpfully points out that Brooks has had his four kids with two women, not three. So that makes everything better. 

Heather helpfully jumps into the Brooks beatdown and tells him he got a little unnecessarily aggressive with her when she asked him to come back into the party. He agrees, but he was just protecting his woman. 

Andy tries to suggest to Vicki that maybe there are a lot of people in her life who love her who are waving red flags about Brooks. Vicki doesn’t care! She has to live her life! Tamra wants what’s best for Vicki! Brooks snarls to Tamra, “Getting relationship advice from you is like getting financial advice from someone who’s bankrupt. Which I have never been.” Weirdly, Tamra doesn’t have a counter to that. C’mon, Tamra, I expect more from you!

Speaking of loser guys, Slade is the next subject of discussion. Though he doesn’t come to the party, that doesn’t stop Gretchen from admitting she’s part of his financial problems. He acts as her manager and holds her hand constantly, but she doesn’t pay him. And she won’t marry him until he gets rid of his debt. For the first time ever, I actually feel some sympathy for Slade. 

Vicki sees an opportunity to force Gretchen to admit she’s accusing Brooks of all the things she’s accepted in Slade. Tamra says the big difference between Slade and Brooks is that Brooks is slick. Really? That’s the big difference? If that’s all, maybe it’s time to kick both of them to the curb. Vicki barks at Tamra, “Do you want me to be dating a bleep?” No, but Tamra wants her to do whatever she’s going to do by herself. Yeah, I think the Vicki/Tamra connection is going to be offline for a few seasons. 

Up next? Briana! Who’s pregnant! With a little boy she intends to name Troy! And is due October 10. Andy says Vicki will become a GILF, which makes all of the Housewives puke a little. Briana hates Brooks, but guess what? She and her hubby are living with Vicki. That sounds awkward. Oh, and Donn is still in the house. I smell sitcom! Briana is too honest for this show, because she sits down and starts spewing. How did she react to becoming a grandma? Well, Briana decided to tell her by buying an “I heart Grandma” onesie, which Vicki threw in her face before crying for a half hour. Then she was on board. Yup, that sounds supportive. 

So, Briana, did you have Housewives at your wedding? No, but she was stuck with Brooks, who was the only person she didn’t want there. Vicki’s looks as if she’s just swallowed a nail. Briana thinks Brooks is in love with being the boyfriend of a celebrity. He chose not to stay on the stage with Briana, which Vicki attributes to him not wanting to fight. Briana yells, “He’s afraid of my honesty!” And the fact he outed Briana’s wedding AND pregnancy on the Internet. 

Vicki is probably wishing Briana hadn’t come to the sofa at all, because pretty soon she’s got Vicki so riled up that she blurts out that Donn had an affair for 20 years of their marriage. Eeek! Briana points out that Vicki was having an emotional affair with Brooks long before she got divorced, and Vicki hisses under her breath for Briana to shut… up. Briana can’t help it! She’s just honest! Brooks won’t make eye contact! It’s HELL!

Gretchen and Tamra smirk. Why oh why, asks Andy. Gretchen doesn’t want to say, but Tamra’s happy to help. She thinks Gretchen feels a little hurt that Vicki insulted her for things she’s done herself. There’s some screaming, and then Tamra issues a challenge. “Do you want me to tell everyone happened after we left Cabo?” Vicki, say no. C’mon, this sounds like trouble. But no! Vicki says, talk away! So Tamra DOES. And reveals that Vicki called her and told her she woke up next to some guy, drunk. There’s more to it, but it was hard over Vicki’s insane screaming. Which tells me that Tamra was telling the truth. Vicki is, apparently, stupid. Did she really think she could stare Tamra down? That Tamra would take the high road and keep her secret? Vicki calls Tamra crazy and Tamra calls Vicki a bitch who’s going to hell.

Gosh, all of a sudden the reunion got interesting, didn’t it?

And then, it’s time for Andy to wrap things up. Ladies, sum up the season! Heather hopes everything’s cleared up with Alexis, which I doubt as Alexis is mad at everyone. Alexis is going to try to be a better person every day. Gretchen says it was a hard season for her emotionally, with friendships and with Alexis, but she’s loved getting to know Tamra. Tamra says it’s been a year of change and she’s gained a friend and possibly lost a friend. Hint, hint, that’s Vicki. Vicki doesn’t know what to say! It’s been a crazy year for her! But it’s her life and she has to live true to herself.