It's here! It's finally here! “Sharknado 2” is actually happening!!1!
Can the cultural phenomenon about nature's most dangerous disaster strike twice? If today's Twitter trend frenzy is any indication, the answer is a resounding “Heck yes!” But if you need a little encouragement, this handy drinking game should take care of any lingering inhibitions or dignity and allow anyone an enjoyable Sharknado experience!
Feel free to snark along in the comments, or even wax Shakespearean on how the “Sharknado” franchise is the most refreshing, honest work to come out of Hollywood in decades. No judgement. Unless you just hate Sharknadoes which means you hate fun, in which case:
LET'S DO THIS.
8:58 p.m. EST Being subjected to two…no THREE… “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” commercials prior to the start of “Sharknado 2” is our collective penance. But we will preserver.
9:03 p.m EST We open with Kelly Osbourne as a stewardess as Ian Ziering (Fin Shepard) and Tara Reid (April Wexler) on a plane to New York. Osbourne's being allowed to have purple hair as a flight attendant is more believable then Tara Reid writing a book.
9:05 p.m. EST Shephard is having some sort of mental break and/or bad acid trip in the the plane bathroom while a storm rages outside. Is he upset about the weather or the impending family drama with his siter and brother-in-law?? NO. It's the SHARK OUTSIDE THE WINDOW. Oh man, now I want a “Snakes On A Plane” vs. “Sharknado” crossover.
9:06 p.m. EST Pilot states “No lawsuits on my watch!” which is basically provoking the universe to throw a shark into the plane's engine.
9:15 p.m. EST HOW CAN YOU BE FLYING THROUGH THAT MANY SHARKS AND NOT NOTICE? Denzel Washington is a better pilot than this. Wil Wheaton screams for dear life as Osbourne becomes the first shark casualty. The casual brutality as her head is sliced off and then complete lack of blood anywhere after is classic Sharknado you guys…redhead bites it on the toilet. “Jurassic Park” homage? Annnnnd Wheaton's dead. It's a cameo Red Shirt smorgasbord of gore!! Tara Reid shrieks as she is sucked from the plane but manages to grab hold of a rope. Her screams hilariously sound more like a resigned “I'm too old for this shit,” sigh then yells of terror. She empties a clip from the on board Air Marshall into an offending shark before losing her hand. MY GOD this is a bloodbath. I love it. Ziering lands the land and everything is on fire. Somehow most of the flight is alive as one last shark explodes on the nose of the plane. Ziering quips, “Welcome to New York.” Roll opening credits.
9:20 p.m. EST Matt Lauer is on the jumbotrons to announce Ziering landed the plane. Andy Dick is a cop (HAHAHA) and he and the press are basically calling Ziering a lying crazy person for saying they flew through a Sharknado. I could understand people in OUR universe thinking that, but Sharknadoes have ACTUALLY HAPPENED there. I mean, Reid was supposed to be on “Kelly and Michael” who are talking about her book “How To Survive A Sharknado” on television. Ziering goes with Reid to the hospital but Billy Ray Cyrus is her doctor. He should never be a surgeon unless he's specializing in Achy Breaky Hearts. But it looks like Reid will recover though her mind is gone, “That shark knew who I was.” Okay honey…*presses morphine drip*
9:21 p.m. EST “Why did you marry me?” Tara Reid asks. Ziering tries to answer with a straight face before giving up. He deflects with a pun “Next time you lend a hand, don't be so literal.” Smooth..
9:24 p.m. EST We keep skipping back to Ziering's sister's family and I should care but they're just so boring and normal comparitively. Why watch a happy family on a trip to Liberty Island when shark on on a D-list celebrity killing spree?! Oh wait, the sharks found Lady Liberty. It's like they knew what we wanted.
9:25 p.m. EST Al Roker manages to make a Sharknado sound like an actual weather phenonmon and quite frankly, I'm impressed
9:28 p.m. EST Is there anything more disconcerting than KNOWING this is a cameo but not knowing who it is? The real villain of Sharknado 2 is poor minor celebrity trivia knowledge.
9:35 p.m. EST Ziering is running to Citi Field in order to save his brother-in-law from impending Sharknadoes and runs into his old flame, Vivica A. Fox waiting for him instead. She INSTANTLY goes in for the kill “I forgot to give you something,” she says before kissing him. Ziering chooses Reid because reasons? HE CHOSE WRONG. Honestly, who chooses Vicky Lathum over Vernita Green???
9:41 p.m. EST Legit question. Which sharks can survive at temperatures cold enough for snow? Is this actually a Sharksnowdo? Pfft. What am I thinking? Sharknadoes have no use for puny logic.
9:44 p.m. EST Everyone piles unto the subway after escaping the snowy Sharknado. “Hope the tunnels aren't flooded…” someone says foreshadowingly.
9:46 p.m. EST The cynical part of me wants to say “Well what the hell did you expect when you get on the ferry in the middle of the Sharknado?” But the other part of me is just like “YES TAZER THAT SHARK!!!” Also how else were they supposed to get off the island? Unless they have “Ghostbuster” ectoplasm to walk her off, boat is the only way. Impressed with the amount of gore they just got away with. A half-eaten human face is pushing the limits of family friendly yes? Wait, are Sharknadoes family friendly?
9:47 p.m. EST An alligator just ate a subway worker in the flooded tunnels! It's a twist!
9:50 p.m. EST Perez Hilton and Subway Jared are complaining about how long the train is taking to get to the station. Perez is right by the tracks. Please please please let him get eaten. YES! My husband says, “They don't make subway trains like they used to,” as the shark blithely rips off the back of the last car like so much wet tissue paper. Ziering get everyone safely to the next car and then tustles in the flooding subway car with the shark, impaling it with a baseball back in a spurt of blood.
9:54 p.m. EST As far as I'm concerned, so far the gore to plot ratio has been near perfection.
9:56 p.m. EST Oh gross, Ziering had a baby shark attached to his back and didn't realize it. Do you know how disgusting the subway tracks are? And he wsa laying in dirty water. Great, he survives the Sharknadoes only to be taken down by deadly flesh-eating bacteria.
9:58 p.m. EST I call shenanigans. There's a Home Depot on W 23rd street that surely has chainsaws.
10:01 p.m. EST The decapitated head of the Statue of Liberty barrels down the street as the ladies run full speed away. They commandeer a trash truck and drive away…rather than DODGING down a side street and letting it roll harmlessly past. That garbageman died needlessly.
10:03 p.m. EST Bless you Al Roker for your continued quest to legitimize Sharknadoes. “This is a twister with teeth. Nuff said.” Roker states without a trace of irony.
10:05 p.m. EST Sharknado 2: Brought to you by Toys R Us…for all your explosive containment needs. Visit us at our Times Square flagship store! Viviva A. Fox approved!
10:13 p.m. EST We're still searching for weapons and bomb materials is a Manhattan without a Home Depot. However this bodega sells Super Soakers and lighter fluid…on the same end cap. I like the way this guy thinks. Also, I still can't place this damn cabbie and there's no time for IMDB but I love him. Give this cabbie his own spin-off, SyFy. Do it. Sidenote: Is the “Sharknado 2” soundtrack available on iTunes yet?
10:15 p.m. EST Tara Reid is making a break for it as the hospital is in a panic. But she's stops to save a lost kid crying in the corner. Just realized “Sharknado 2: The Second One” has once again passed the Bechdel Test with flying colors. Hollywood, hang your head in damn shame. SHARKS FROM THE SKY, LOOK OUT TARA. I can't tell if she's playing really convincing PTSD or if this is just her face?
10:16 p.m. EST Look for “Holy…shark,” to be the meme du jour tomorrow morning.
10:20 p.m. EST The Sharknado surge traps our hapless heroes in their cab in the middle of the street. Luckily there was tow rope in the front seat of taxi cab with the cabbie WHO WAS JEFF GOLDBLUM'S DAD IN “INDEPENDENCE DAY” (damn brain finally took you long enough). They swing across on a street lamp to safety until the cabbie eats it to the sharks in the water. Ziering then LITERALLY jumps the sharks like a real life game of Frogger. Oh my God, I love this movie and you cannot convince me otherwise.
10:25 p.m. EST We interrupt this Sharknado movie to bring you an elevator PSA about the dangers of fame. Be careful what you wish for kids!
10:27 p.m. EST That was the worst advertisement for Citi Bike I've ever seen. Who wants to rent a bicycle that won't even save you from a shark falling from the sky? Oh well, at least the entire secondary characters are together again as a family.
10:30 p.m. EST Why do they have to explode the Sharknadoes before they merge? Where do you go to school to get this mastery of Sharknado intricies? Ziering's sister tries to go help her brother destroy the Sharknadoes but is held back by her husband so we can watch Al Roker give us an update. Roker desrves an Emmy nomination for this portrayal of himself. Anyone tuning in during his segments would actually believe the good people of NBC Today were covering a Sharknado event.
10:31 p.m. EST Vivica A. Fox has a sword and she knows how to use it. TAKE THAT random sharks from the sky!
9:32 p.m. EST If you're asking “But how did the sharks get in the elevator?” you must be new here.
9:34 p.m. EST Ziering and Fox are trying to stop the Sharknadoes by launching bombs into their hearts but it isn't working. “Even the Sharknadoes are tougher in New York!” Ziering quips. To my delighted surprise, they play this out all the way. What happens when you hurl fiery bombs at sharks? You get SHARKS ON FIRE falling onto the people on the ground and one angry fire shark out for vengeance against our heroes in the stairwell. Well played.
9:40 p.m. EST They shot this over 18 days and finished post-production in less than two months. Be impressed or GTFO.
9:44 p.m. EST Tara Reid stole a fire truck (and the firemen in it) one-handed to save her husband and the rest of the Scooby gang. We take a hot second for her to worry about the return of old flame Fox before the mayor and Strax from “Doctor Who” show up and demand his help. No one's apologizing to him for mocking his concern earlier. And by earlier I mean like two hours ago max in-universe time. Ziering has a plan and Reid refuses to let him go into danger without her again. STILL can't tell if this is an Oscar worthy PTSD performance or just her face.
9:45 p.m EST Here it comes! The scene from all the trailers!
9:48 p.m. EST Ziering is giving the most rousing speech since Bill Pullman in “Independence Day” on top of fire truck while wielding a NYFD chainsaw. Mid-speech a shark careens from the nado to take him out but Ziering is having none of it and cuts the motherhugger in half. Bonus! During Comic-Con Ziering said the cheers on screen for that are people who had gathered off camera to watch the film production.
9:49 p.m. EST Yesssssssssssss! Tara Reid has a circular aw for a hand. That shark never saw it coming. Everyone's wildest “Sharknado” and “Evil Dead 2” crossovers just became this much closer to reality.
9:51 p.m. EST Noooooooooooooo! Vivica A. Fox held the wires together for the electrical charge and died heroically, hurtled into the heart of the Sharknado. Wait! She's alive! NO! A shark came from out of nowhere to finish her off. Unless they're going to pull a “Clone Wars” Darth Maul robot legs, she's gone for good. Fare thee well, sweet princess.
11:01 p.m. EST Everyone cheers as the sharknadoes are defeated before realizing this means now sharks are falling out of the sky by the thousands. Luckily one guy has a trunk full of guns and the rest of New York quickly arms themselves with everything from a shovel to baseball bats to machetes to pitchforks to a truck bed full of chainsaws (WHERE WERE YOU EARILIER BIKER SANTA?). Meanwhile in the heart of the nado, Ziering chainsaws his way through a shark as the sharks fall into the Kelly and Michael studio. Ripa stomps the living hell out of a shark with her heel, Michael catches one mid-air. Ziering rides one down to Earth like a cowboy on a bull, implaing it on a the top of the Empire State Building. The shark has Tara Reid's hand inside which Ziering pulls out, using the gun still in her disembodied fingers to kill the final shark. Ziering then rips Reid's wedding ring off said disembodied arm and proposes on the spot. On the street, the masses cheer and a truck of fireworks explodes into a cacophony of light. FUCKING GLORIOUS.
FIN.
We did it. We survived “Sharknado 2: The Second One.” Tune in next year for the inevitable follow-up “Sharknado 3: Sharks In Paris.”