When adult film star Stormy Daniels came clean about her affair with then-reality star Donald Trump, people braced themselves for the inevitable lurid, detailed description that would eventually surface of the president’s penis.
Ladies and gentlemen, that day is today.
The Guardian obtained a copy of Daniels’ upcoming tell-all book, Full Disclosure, and leaked a few of the more salacious details including claims that Trump didn’t even want to be president in the first place (which, duh), and that he allegedly told her he would help her cheat at Celebrity Apprentice.
One excerpt in particular describes that fateful night in which Daniels says she and Trump engaged in “textbook generic” sex in his Lake Tahoe hotel room, during the American Century celebrity golf tournament.
Get your barf bags ready!
Trump’s bodyguard invites Daniels to dinner, which turns out to be an invitation to Trump’s penthouse, she writes, in a description of alleged events that Daniels has disclosed previously but which in the book are rendered with new and lurid detail. She describes Trump’s penis as “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.”
“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool … I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart. It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”
Of course Trump (allegedly) doesn’t manscape, but that’s beside the point. When the story dropped, Twitter pretty much gagged in unison as both “Mario Kart” and “Toad” quickly began trending.
https://twitter.com/barry/status/1042021763180310530
https://twitter.com/ParkerMolloy/status/1042021078799970304
me before seeing why Toad is trending vs me after seeing why Toad is trending pic.twitter.com/8LsY05lfBG
— shauna (@goldengateblond) September 18, 2018
me finding out why Mario Kart is trending on twitter pic.twitter.com/XZyNCecSY7
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) September 18, 2018
Me, logging on first thing in the morning: oh why is Mario Kart trending, maybe today won’t be that ba— pic.twitter.com/kq2twgyiWz
— Vera Bergengruen (@VeraMBergen) September 18, 2018
https://twitter.com/robbiereviews/status/1042023398816272385
*Checks why Toad is trending* pic.twitter.com/CGkr07KVLw
— Matt Deitsch (@MattxRed) September 18, 2018
if there's a tweet from the president of the united states refuting the toad reference i will truly self-combust
— Gideon Resnick (@GideonResnick) September 18, 2018
Soooo it's small, white and covered in red spots? 😳https://t.co/gGKgP5rSX9
— maureenshaw (@MaureenShaw) September 18, 2018
*opens twitter*
"Donald Trump's penis is shaped like a mushroom from Mario kart"
*closes twitter*
*sets fire to phone*
*launches phone into fucking pluto*— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) September 18, 2018
https://twitter.com/max_read/status/1042028597211549697
The new mascot of the Trump #resistance. pic.twitter.com/o4E7EpFfd8
— Crutnacker (@Crutnacker) September 18, 2018
me waiting for the rest of the US to wake up to see why mario kart is trending pic.twitter.com/ycKvcEcutB
— David Mack (@davidmackau) September 18, 2018
And others joked about how Trump’s cronies would try to spin the story:
SARAH SANDERS: The claim by Ms. Daniels that the president's dick resembles Toad from Mario Kart is patently ridiculous. This administration has long ago demonstrated that if his dick looks like any character from that series, it's Birdo. Thank you.
— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) September 18, 2018
Tonight on Tucker pic.twitter.com/c2Drp2T4E7
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) September 18, 2018
Full Disclosure is being released on October 2, if this morning’s punishment wasn’t adequate enough.
(Via Guardian)