Week In Review: Hail The Sperminator!

It’s been a tough week for the timeless tradition of marriage, what with the ultimate All-American couple of Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger shocking the world – nay, the universe! – by separating after 25 years of marriage. Not since my own parents told me that they would be splitting up have I wandered the streets with my arms raised in the air, as I shouted to the heavens, “WHY? WHY HAVE YOU SHATTERED THIS LOVE?” And unlike my parents’ divorce, this one will not have a happy ending with two Christmases for me.
Of course, there will be multiple Christmases for Arnold, his children that we’ve known about, his mistress, and his child that we haven’t known about until now, but I have a feeling that these won’t be very pleasant Christmases. Now, even Gloria Allred is involved, as she’s representing a woman who claims to have had an affair with Arnold years ago (not a crime, last time I checked), but we’ll start at the beginning, with that mistress everyone has been talking about.

Mildred Patricia Baena, or Patty to her friends and family, was a maid for Arnold and Maria for roughly 20 years, and 13 years ago she found herself on the business end of a less-than-professional bonus from Arnold. The two had sex is what I’m getting at. Nine months later she popped out a son – we’ll respect his privacy and simply call him “Whoops” – and Patty and Arnold somehow managed to keep their little affair a secret all this time. Chances are they didn’t keep the secret and Maria played the role of the good political wife, but she may have just found out. Either way, Patty and Whoops are now known as the people who delivered Camelot’s final blow.
Not that there’s much that can be said to defend Arnold for these revelations, but Patty has claimed that Arnold helped support her and Whoops while he was growing up, which must have been quite a pleasant surprise for her husband, who probably spent his days wondering where his son got his gigantic genes.
(Via What Would Tyler Durden Do?)
Jon Stewart and Bill O’Reilly may or may not detest each other. The fact is that they are two immensely popular television personalities that have a basic understanding that they are good for each other’s business. Stewart, of course, needs O’Reilly to keep being O‘Reilly, the staunch conservative pundit with a distaste for modern popular culture and the free-for-all liberal attitude that he believes is crippling this country. Jon, on the other hand, is a liberal comedian who lives to twist the stick up O’Reilly’s butt. That’s why their latest “debate” was just as fun as their previous collaborations.
The topic of their latest exchange was Fox News’ assault on President Barack Obama for inviting rapper/poet/actor/model Common to the White House. O’Reilly and his network associates have vilified Common as a gangster rapper who endorses violence against the police and glorifies gun use. Stewart, on the other hand, has actually listened to Common and knows that he is the exact opposite. The comedy of the debate is the result of Stewart’s facts versus O’Reilly’s “facts”.
(Via Death and Taxes)
Why the hell are we arguing about rappers in the White House when Osama Bin Laden is sending messages to his supporters from beyond the grave? Is he a ghost now? Should we live in fear of ghost terrorists? These are the things that I need Glenn Beck and Rachel Maddow to stop bickering over and tell me the straight business! Actually, the U.S. Government responded to the latest Bin Laden tape with the rational excuse that the now-dead-from-a-bullet-ripping-through-his-eye terrorist leader had a few of his classic hate messages and calls to arms waiting in the can, just in case the worst happened. Well, that’s fine and dandy, but I’m still keeping an eye out for these ghost terrorists.
In his latest effort, Bin Laden calls for Al Qaeda to rally and attack America and her interests, calling us all sorts of things like the devil and blah blah blah. Hey Bin Laden, at least Tupac and Biggie went out at the top of their games. Now when their new singles come out, they’re still fresh and hot. Your flavor is weak, homeboy.
(Via Fox News)
When not collaborating with Farmville for ridiculous publicity stunts, Lady Gaga is making appearances on poplar television shows for ridiculous publicity stunts. This time, the zany and unique pop music icon appeared on American Idol as a mentor to the remaining contestants, as they were performing hits from years that none of us were alive during. But she was fantastic and over-the-top as always, urging the contestants to get psycho and put drama behind their music, and now her appearance is being talked about because she endorsed their talents and helped them discover sides of themselves they never knew existed.
Haha, no its not. Gaga’s appearance is being talked about because she wore stiletto pumps with penises on them. In response, Idol producers tried their hardest to cover the heels with the show’s logo when possible, but we still know that they were giant glass boners.
(Via TMZ)

Rapper Mr. Ghetto became an Internet sensation this week with his new single and video, “Wal-Mart”. That’s right, the song is an anthem to the superstore as a place for men to pick up women. Because when I think romance, I think about sliding on my best size 62 acid-washed jeans, a “Who Farted” t-shirt and juicing up the Rascal for a few laps around Wal-Mart. To each his own, I guess.
And if you can make it through more than :26 of that video, then you are the better man than I.
Showing us that worldwide hysteria and human extinction can have a sense of humor, too, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention posted a blog on its website this week detailing what we should do in the event of a zombie apocalypse. It’s a novel concept and not the first time that the agency has used humor or pop culture to promote awareness to general health and survival knowledge, as the CDC also once posted a blog on how to survive a meteor crashing into the Earth. I believe that was one step – kiss your ass goodbye.
As for a zombie outbreak, the CDC suggests that you stock up on basic supplies, as if you were preparing for a natural disaster. Because as we all know, when a hurricane approaches land you should blow its head off.
(Via Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)

Michael Bay is the type of producer that knows what his audience wants – Action! Explosions! Racist robots! That’s why the king of big screen chaos released a :47 clip of Transformers: Dark of the Moon this week and boy are we salivating over the tease in this doozy! It’s got everything – people talking, parked cars, golf trophies… boy, I can hardly type this without lighting a stick of dynamite and throwing it out my window.
In all seriousness, the clip gives us an important glimpse at the dynamic between the film series’ leading protagonist, Sam (played by Shia LeBeouf), and whoever Patrick Dempsey is playing, as well as Sam’s love interest (not Megan Fox). In all, this is the most exciting clip that we have seen of Transformers 3, mainly because it’s the only clip we’ve seen of Transformers 3.
(Via Yahoo!)
Now before you get all uppity about “frat”, I was once in a fraternity, too, so I know what it’s like to take myself way too seriously and waste four years of college. Anywho, the gentlemen of Delta Kappa Epsilon – the fraternity claims George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush as members – allegedly made their new members walk across campus while chanting very offensive things about women, including sexual suggestive phrases. Among those phrases: “No means yes” and “Yes means anal”.
The fraternity has been suspended from recruiting new members for five years, and the national director believes that the punishment is way too harsh. In fact, when his secretary read him the news, he dropped three monocles into his martini glass.
(Via Time; Banner image via CBS New York)

  • According to a survey of couples dealing with an affair, 59% of the couples that attended counseling claimed that the therapist mostly avoided the actual affair and just focused on generalized problems. 23% of the couples claim that the therapist addressed the affairs but only briefly and made them move on. 100% of the cheaters LOVED this. (After the Affair)
  • The 20 to 24 age group seems to be the most prone to divorce, as 36.6% of women in that range who wed are likely to file for divorce, while 38.8% of men will go to the Big D, and I don’t mean Dallas. The safest age range for both genders is 35 to 39. (Divorce Statistics)