Funerals are the worst. Everyone is incredibly sad over the passing of a loved one, the church service is too long no matter how long it is, and then everyone has to go to a cemetery and stand around while the coffin is lowered into the ground. Ugh. Making matters worse, if you’ve been to one funeral, you’ve been to them all. Hymn, stand up, sit down, kneel, eulogy, stand up, hymn, sit down, some lady cries, someone sings “Amazing Grace,” the end. This is no way to go out, people. It’s literally the last thing you get to take part in before you are buried underground, or scattered over the ocean, or cryogenically frozen until scientists find a cure for seventeen stab woulds to the back. You might as well go down swinging.
This is where I come in. As one of the Internet’s leading experts on cockamamie ideas that no one will follow through on, I am here to give you some ideas to shake things up a little. Presented below are five options that are sure to turn your funeral into an event no one will forget.
1. Book An Extravagant Musical Guest
The key here is the element of surprise. Tell no one. That way, at some point after the eulogy, when there’s nary a dry eye in the house, you blow people away by having the preacher bring up a famous musical act. Even better if that artist or band is well known for a song about death or loss. Just imagine your friends’ faces when, at some point in the middle of the ceremony, the lights go down, fog machines start filling the front of the church will a thick mist, and Puff Daddy emerges from the back dressed in all white, dancing around the altar over the opening notes of “I’ll Be Missing You.” Or if the reverend walks up to the pulpit, adjusts the microphone, and casually announces, “And now, ladies and gentleman, before we begin the procession to the cemetery, it is my great pleasure to bring to the stage Bone Thugs-n-Harmony to perform their smash single, “Tha Crossroads!” Jaws would be on the floor.
That said, for my money (more on this later), one musical act is far and away the gold standard when it comes to surprise funeral performances.
Oh hell yes. I’m not sure if they give out awards for best funeral (“The Funies”?), but having Boyz II Men perform would get you nominated at the very least. Naturally, they’ll do “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday,” the saddest song ever. But then, immediately after closing out the final harmonies, and with everyone struggling to hold it together… BOOM “Motownphilly.” In the church. In front of the casket. Dance moves and all.
According to this site, you can book Boyz II Men for a “religious event” for between $15,000 and $25,000. Not exactly spare change. But the important thing to remember here is this: you’re dead. Who cares? I mean, it will suck fairly hard for your kids or whoever was in line to inherit your estate, as you’re lopping off a sizable chunk to have a famous band from 15-20 years ago perform two songs at your funeral. But it’s your money. And I think it was Warren Buffett who said, “You should leave your children enough money that they can do anything, but not enough that they can do nothing. ABC BBD, The East Coast Family.”
2. Roast the Crowd From Beyond the Grave
This one is a great way to cut through the sadness. As I see it, you have two options: 1) Write up a list of jokes roasting the people you expect to attend, and have someone read it in lieu of the eulogy, or; 2) Videotape yourself performing the routine prior to your death, and arrange to have a projection screen set up at the front of the church. Some sample jokes:
– My buddy Dave is here. Dave, everybody. Dave is so cheap that he’s sadder about a perfectly good suit being buried underground than he is about my death. Seriously, someone keep him away from the casket. I caught him looking up pawn shops near the cemetery a week ago.
– I see my Aunt Sarah made it. Still chasing the young ones, Aunt Sarah? Look, look… I’m not saying Aunt Sarah is a cougar, I’m just saying she’s screwed more 19-year-olds than the credit industry. BOOM.
And so on. The nice part about this is that it serves two functions. First of all, it lightens the mood in an otherwise horrible situation. I would much rather the final tribute to my life be my friends and family cracking jokes at each others’ expense and sharing laughs than being all sad and mopey. Second of all, if I’m going out, I’m taking some shots on my way out the door. Don’t cross me.
3. Stage An Impromptu Competition Among Your Heirs for Their Inheritance
If you’re incredibly rich, I’m sure you’ve got a bunch of leeches trying to latch onto you in your final moments in the hope of getting mentioned in your will. This must be annoying as hell. So why not have a little fun at the expense of these opportunistic tools?
After the service, instead of proceeding directly to the cemetery, have everyone go to an open field large enough to handle a wide array of games. Have someone read an announcement stating that you know the people in question were out only for your money, and that you are leaving one share of your estate that they have compete for in a winner-take-all competition. Then, have them participate in a series of embarrassing challenges like they’re on a crappy VH1 show where strippers are fighting for a chance to sleep with a B-level 80’s musician. Who knows, maybe some will take a watermelon to the face. That would be glorious.
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4. Beach Funeral
Admittedly, I haven’t put much thought into this one. It’s just really ugly and rainy outside as I write this. And if someone I cared about died on top of that, I’d really love an excuse to take off work, wear swim trunks and drink umbrella drinks. I guess what I’m really saying is this: sorry you’re dying and whatever, but can we get back to MY problems? Thanks.
5. Fake Your Death
I think, if we’re all being honest here, everyone has considered faking their death at least once. Whether you’re trying to get away from a mountain of debt, or bail on a loveless marriage, or maybe just to go off the grid and sail from one small island to another on a boat full of rum, bedding locals at every stop without a care in the world beyond which way the wind is blowing. Me? I want to fake my own death because I am a showman (read: a dramatic, attention-craving sociopath). Hey, to each their own.
I picture it going down like this:
Perhaps I “die” in a fiery wreck, or I go sailing alone and three weeks later my boat is found capsized twenty miles offshore. Either way, the important part is this: no body. From there, I go through the same steps as I would in option #1, hiring Boyz II Men to perform at my funeral and inviting everyone I know. The service starts, and proceeds normally. Then the preacher brings out Boyz II Men. “HOLY SH-T,” everyone will think. “He hired Boyz II Men for his funeral! That is almost the greatest thing I’d ever seen!” But wait.
Just as they’re reaching the climax of “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday,” a shadowy figure in a white suit emerges from the back. The crowd goes silent. “Is that… ? No. It can’t be. Wait… THAT’S DANGER GUERRERO!” I raise the microphone and belt out the “… and I’ll take with me the memories, to be my sunshine after the rain” line. As the song ends, and everyone is beginning to wrap their heads around what has transpired, you guessed it… BOOM “Motownphilly.” Performed by me and Boyz II Men, featuring elaborate choreography that we have been practicing for weeks. Because in this scenario, we became best friends while bonding over what an awesome idea this was and the members of the group are always calling me to hang out and have given me an awesome nickname like “Firehawk” or something.
Maybe I’ve put too much thought into this. Also, I’m pretty sure tricking people into thinking you’re dead just so you can surprise them at your funeral for your own enjoyment is like the single worst thing you can do to your loved ones. So, there’s that. On the other hand, I do look pretty good in a white suit.
Anyway, these are just some options for how to improve your funeral. Why go out like a lame stick in the mud when you have a chance to go into the great beyond like a legend? And as Babe Ruth’s ghost once said, “Heroes get remembered, legends never die.” Especially if they didn’t actually die, and just wanted an excuse to perform with Boyz II Men.