Last night, the world tuned in to ABC’s broadcast of the 86th Academy Awards ceremony to watch as Gravity was given the “Your Movie Was Awesome Enough To Win All Of These Awards, But Not Awesome Enough To Win The Biggest One” gift bag, and 12 Years a Slave finally allowed Brad Pitt to tell his friends that he’s an Oscar winner too. But Hollywood’s most important awards weren’t presented in between Ellen Degeneres shilling for Samsung, as the Razzies were announced on Saturday night to dishonor the absolute worst films of 2014. Just as everyone knew that Cate Blanchett and Matthew McConaughey would win Best Actress and Actor, respectively, the 34th Razzies were just as short on the surprises.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that the stinking puddles of baby vomit that earned the best of the worst honors didn’t deserve it. As always, the Razzies used a democratic process to simply reinforce what we already knew – that After Earth and Movie 43 were f*cking garbage.
Worst Picture
Movie 43Worst Actor
Jaden Smith, After EarthWorst Actress
Tyler Perry, A Madea ChristmasWorst Supporting Actor
Will Smith, After EarthWorst Supporting Actress
Kim Kardashian, Tyler Perry’s TemptationWorst Screen Combo
Jaden Smith and Will Smith, After EarthWorst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off or Sequel
The Lone RangerWorst Director
Everyone from Movie 43Worst Screenplay
Everyone from Movie 43
The biggest surprise of this year’s Razzies was that Adam Sandler’s reign of terror came to an end, as Grown Ups 2 left empty-handed. Additionally, Razzies favorite Sylvester Stallone also failed to win a meaningless award for one of his nominations, meaning that both he and Sandler will have to try a lot harder to get their sucking back up to an acceptable level this year. The solution? A film entitled Tough Enough, which stars Adam Sandler and Kevin James as neighbors feuding over the annual HOA elections, and Sandler hires Sylvester Stallone, a local gym owner and former mob enforcer, to help him find his spine so he can take on his bully of an opponent.
Emily Ratajkowski and Lily Aldridge will play Sandler’s and James’s respective love interests, while David Spade will play an asshole, Rob Schneider will play a foreign guy, Steve Buscemi will play a weirdo, Chris Rock will play a black guy, Peter Dante will play a stoner, and Dan Aykroyd will have a cameo and make a comment that refers to Tommy Boy. I fully expect this idea to be stolen and produced in time for Christmas.