44 Things Tyler Perry Has Learned, by Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry turned 44 yesterday, and he celebrated by sending out a mass email entitled “44 for 44,” detailing 44 things that Tyler Perry has learned over the course of his 44 years. As you might imagine, Tyler Perry has learned a great many things, and very few of them could be described as “facts.” It’s a delicious mix of religion, spitefulness, and nonsense. Enjoy!

1. Yes, God is real.

Yep, that’s number one. He’s just getting that one out of the way at the very start so you know these aren’t meant to be debated. Just give up control and submit to a higher power (Tyler Perry) and let these facts wash over you like a profound wave. If you think something doesn’t make sense, think again, that’s just God magic.

2. Your gift can make room for you.

This one seems obtuse and tough to parse at first, especially for such a short sentence. But maybe it’s like, you show up at a party and all the chairs are taken. But if you show up to a party with nachos and all the chairs are taken, suddenly people are like “Oh shit, Tony brought nachos, someone give him a chair!” In that way, I guess your gift can make room for you. It’s not as straightforward as, say, a lawyer named “Deeds” learning the value of good deeds in “Good Deeds,” but it’s not untrue. Bring something to the table and you will be given a chair. I feel like I’ve put more thought into this than he did.

3. A baby can heal broken hearts.

When my grandpa had a problem with his pacemaker, I took him to a cardiologist. Stupid me, I should’ve gotten my girlfriend pregnant. RIP, grandpa.

4. A mother’s love is stronger than distance, more powerful than time and can transcend the grave.

I saw my mother’s love tear a phonebook in half one time.

5. Take time to smell the roses but be careful of the bees.

This reminds me of my favorite Poison song. Evvvvvrey roooooose has its beeeee.

6. God will really make your enemy your footstool.

Damn, this got spiteful fast, didn’t it? “Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses, and also God will make your enemies your slaves.” And this was pitched as “something I’ve learned”? Can someone check to see if Tyler Perry actually has a human footstool? This calls for 24-hour surveillance at least.

7. A footstool is only needed when you need to get higher. Let your enemy lift you.

Reminds me of my favorite Isaac Newton quote, “I only got to where I am by standing on the faces of my haters, YOLO.”

8. God will prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies so let them watch you eat.

Tyler Perry seems like a bit of a sore winner, doesn’t he? I admit my Bible study is a little rusty, but I don’t remember the part where it says “believe in God for Earthly reward so that you may taunt thine enemies with thine riches.”

9. Be careful what you say, life and death truly are in your own words.

…says the guy who just advocated treating angina with a toddler.

10. There will be rough nights but joy really does come in the morning.

Especially if you’re eating brunch cooked by your private chef while taunting the guy who called you queer in middle school. “Haha, who does God like now, Brad?”

11. Fear is a sprit that really can stop you from living.

Sprit – 1. A pole that extends diagonally across a fore-and-aft sail from the lower part of the mast to the peak of the sail.

Don’t you see? Fear is a pole that stops God from blowing wind into your sails. That’s the thing about speaking only in magical metaphor, sometimes you even create new ones by accident. There are no accidents. That was just God speaking through your clumsy fingers. OH MY GOD, HE’S TYPING IN TONGUES!

12. God has not given us a spirit of fear.

A mythical power has not given us a nebulous form of an emotion? I dunno, man, this is getting a bit dry and literal for my tastes.

13. The joy of The Lord really is strength.

Typical God, always flexin’ and smashing your haters with his swoll guns.

14. Being alone doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re lonely.

All who wander are not lost, sometimes the softest voice speaks loudest, you gotta gotta get up to get down, etc.

15. True love can come more than once.

F*ck that, after the first I just want a sandwich.

17. Life is short but heartache is shorter.

Especially if you fill your house WITH BABIES! By the way, what happened to 16?

18. Don’t share your dreams with everyone and don’t be angry with non-dreamers.

Just make sure they’re around to watch you eat your dream-cake and never share. NOM NOM NOM WHO’S CRAZY NOW, TAD!

19. It takes a while to build a dream.

On the plus side, you can do it while you’re sleeping.

20. The dream will outlive the dreamer so dream big.

Okay, I’m putting together a list of things that outlive death. So far I’ve got God, moms, and dreaming. I’ll keep updating as we go along.

21 If you lie to yourself you will lie to God too.

And when you jerk yourself off, you’re really tugging off God. Or something.

22. Live where you are so God can meet you at your needs.

Mmm, no one can toss a word salad like Tyler Perry. “Excuse me, waiter? Can I get some freshly ground Jesus to go with this?”

23. Never wish to be somebody else.

Make them wish to be you, and chant “neener neener neener.”

24. The grass may be greener on the other side but the the water bill is higher.

There may be more cushion for the pushin, but memory foam never forgets. He who smelt it dealt it, but the house always wins. Man, I should write a self-help book.

25. Don’t let people change who you are just be who you are with someone else.

Unless they’re a hater, in which case you can rest your feet on them while eating a juicy God steak.

26. Heartbreak can make you hard! But don’t let it make you bitter.

Again, that’s why you need babies. And don’t forget the best baby of all, the baby Jesus.

27. Bitterness is as toxic as stage 4 cancer.

Hmm, can I get some statistics on this? How does bitterness rate against AIDS? Emphysema? Dysentery?

28. While the most dangerous person in the world is a person with nothing to lose, the most powerful person in the world is a person with nothing to prove.

Do I need to prove that bitterness is as deadly as cancer or that babies can cure broken hearts? No, I just say it, and that’s why my house is so big.

29. Don’t try to be seen, God may be hiding you on purpose.

Just listen to God. Sometimes he wants you in a closet, other times he wants you to make seven movies with your name in front of the title. Can’t you see he’s punishing you for doubting me?

30. Your beginning never dictates your destination.

For instance, who could’ve guessed that just because I started a list at 1 that I’d get to 44 and skip 16?

31. The will to live is as strong as the will to love and be loved.

Can you think of a situation in which this advice would NOT come in handy? I can’t.

32. You really will reap what you sew.

I looked up the words “reap” and “sew” to better understand this sentence, and I think he wants me to cut my sweater with a scythe. I’m tempted to say that he meant to say “sow,” but the scythe thing makes about as much sense as everything else.

33. You can learn something from everything and everybody, especially the elderly.

Every nursing home is worth a thousand Tyler Perries.

34. Childrens’ laughter is like medicine to sadness.

Jesus, what is it with this guy and trying to cure stuff with babies? Is this FDA approved? Can we test the children’s laughter on rhesus monkeys before we try it on sadness?

35. Prayer really can change things.

It can make you rich and your enemies poor if God loves you like he does me, but clearly he doesn’t I mean look at this jet.

36. If it had not been for The Lord on my side I don’t know where I would be.

Not in this jet with this human footstool, that’s for sure.

37. Who you are at 20 will not be who you are at 40 and if it is, SOMETHING IS WRONG!

You’re 40?? That’s amazing, you look 20! Have you been rubbing babies on your face?

38. You give away your power when you don’t forgive.

I’ve forgiven my enemies, even the ones I use as footstools and taunt during meals.

39. Always aim for right and avoid doing wrong at all costs.

So “good” is better than “bad”? Please, tell me more.

40. Never argue with what is.

Instead, turn it into a confusing metaphor.

41. Teach but never try to change people because sometimes they change back.

“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” -Mitch Hedberg.

42. Share wisdom with those who will receive it.

People with email addresses, say.

43. Be aware of the darkness but your focus should always be the light.

“Try to be good.” Yo, I think we covered this one.

44. Nothing is impossible for God.

Don’t be afraid to fly way up high in the sky and let Jesus be your jet fuel as your soar above the clouds on wings of a child’s laughter as your enemies curse each other in a traffic jam made of pride on wheels of bitterness. It all makes sense when you think about it.

(pic via Getty)