Chances are that if you live in London, it’s already too late for you and you’ve been devoured by the giant Colin Firth monster that recently emerged from the Serpentine Lake in Hyde Park. It was originally reported that the UKTV channel Drama constructed a large statue of Firth and erected it in the lake as a tribute to the scene in the 1995 TV miniseries adaptation of Pride and Prejudice, when the white-shirted Firth as Mr. Darcy similarly emerged from a lake to the delight of randy British women.
But according to my crack team of researchers and scientists, the Firth monster is a mythical beast that surfaces every 1,000 years to feast on human souls for the next 1,000 years. After the jump, I have horrific evidence to support my findings here, and I warn you that it is not for the squeamish.
As you can see, the monster was greeted by representatives of the British Navy earlier this morning, as they attempted to determine if the giant’s purpose was one of malice or peace.
Gone. Colin Firth obviously ate those poor sailors, who were undoubtedly one day away from retirement. It’s safe to say that everyone across the world should begin preparing for the Firthpocalypse with chaotic looting. I’ll be heading straight for Taco Bell.