Arnold Schwarzenegger in talks to star in Toxic Avenger reboot. Wait, what?

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I don’t know how to feel about this story. We’re starting with a “mainstream reboot of Toxic Avenger,” so the weirdness level is already at a 10 before we even get to the part where Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to star. Does having Arnold in it make it more weird or less? I have no idea.

Obviously, he’s not going to play the 98-pound lead, Melvin, but I’m not sure who that leaves. Perhaps Hans, the burly, mulatto-ass loving shopkeep.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in talks to star in the new “Toxic Avenger,” but he’s no Toxie. He’s in negotiations for another lead role in the reimagining of the 1980s cult pic.

International Film Trust, the sales outfit launched last week by Benaroya Pictures and Miscellaneous Entertainment, is pitching  Steve Pink’s reboot of the campy 1984 action comedy in the run-up to Cannes. New project has been described as an action adventure geared toward mainstream auds. Schwarzengegger is talks with the producers to star.  “Hot Tub Time Machine” helmer Pink and Daniel C. Mitchell penned the script.

Troma Entertainment’s Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman directed the original 1984 pic, which initially flopped before gaining cult popularity through midnight screenings. “Avenger” went on to spawn three sequels, a musical and a cartoon.

Story centers around Melvin Ferd III, a 98-pound weakling who gets transformed into a superhuman crime-fighting creature after falling into a vat of toxic waste. |Variety|

I don’t… I just… …what? 90 percent of Toxic Avenger‘s appeal is that it’s so non-mainstream and wrong. If you make it “geared towards mainstream auds,” what does that leave? The mop?

“Hey, I have an idea! Let’s do Fast & Furious, but with an all-dog cast and no cars!”

“Great idea! Waiter, fetch us more cocaine!”