(No, There Aren’t Any Spoilers)
The first thirty minutes of The Avengers are painfully boring, but then the Hulk starts smashing stuff, and there’s a giant robot space worm that jizzes flying demon bikes and after that it was awesome! Perhaps this won’t win me any Pulitzers, but that’s my professional opinion.
“We have a Hulk!” Tony Stark yells in the previews. Yes, they do, and thank God. Without him, this wouldn’t be much of a movie. The first act is every bit the esoteric circle jerk the Whedon haters worried it would be, a mish-mash of nonsensical comic-book procedural minutiae, periodically interrupted by winky in-jokes ranging from the sorta cute-funny to the nauseatingly kitschy.
“Loki has stolen the tesseract! It looks like he’s planning to implode the hydro weapon and use gamma rays to create ion fusion!
“But if he creates ion fusion, it could….”
“That’s right! It would awaken the Chitauri and bring about terra forma!”
“SOMETHING SOMETHING MACGUFFIN, WE HAVE TO REVERSE THE POLARITY!”
(*Tony Stark looks directly into the camera*)
“…F*ck yeah we do.” (*lip bite, hip thrust, gun fingers*)
You basically get a WWE hype reel for each character, and when they finally do get in the same room together, their characters are so specifically and rigidly defined that it’s like watching Sex and the City for nerds.
You guys! Stop fighting! I really think we should listen to orders because I was in the war.
Quiet, fool! Your Earth words are like ants biting my space ears. We all know this is about my space brother.
Whoa, there Yokeahontas, project much? I like your dress, though. Is that Versace? (to camera) I’M ROBERT DOWNEY, BITCH!
Don’t you ever take anything seriously?!
Me? No, sorry, I was too busy… being a billionaire! (*hits play on boombox, it blares AC/DC*)
AGENT SCARJO AS A REDHEAD
I have no idea why I’m here. I don’t even remember my character’s name.
Get it? Their characters are always doing things that type of character would do! Classic Thor. Obviously, Tony is the Samantha. Meanwhile, the main effect of the movie being in 3D is that every establishing shot has to have a leaf or a tree trunk or a lamppost in the foreground as if to say, “LOOK, THIS SHOT HAS DEPTH!”