Bad News: Fred Figglehorn is still not addicted to heroin, getting a 3D feature

04.08.11 7 years ago 15 Comments

If you haven’t heard of ‘Fred’ by now, or, God forbid heard Fred’s voice, consider yourself lucky. Fred Figglehorn is a kid named Lucas Cruikshank who puts videos of himself speaking in a high voice on YouTube. By some structural anomaly as yet unexplained by science, this high-pitched voice goes straight to the pleasure center of the brain of anyone under 12, and as a result, Fred’s videos have been viewed a total of 700 MILLION TIMES. Trust me, this is not because Fred is some kind of evil genius. As he told the NY Times last year, “he did not model the character on anyone in particular and doesn’t give a whole lot of thought to the process. He said it took him and his siblings about 30 minutes to make one of the two-minute videos, which he watches once and forgets.”

Accidental fame is the new fame.  Anyway, you’d think we as adults would be more than capable of correcting this anomaly, all doing our part to provide a severe beating to any pre-pubescent punk who insists on polluting the world with Fred’s aural malaria.  But since everyone is such a spineless, morally bankrupt opportunist these days, we’re giving him a movie instead.  Check that, ANOTHER movie.  This time in 3D.  Thanks, Lionsgate.  Wait, is there a way to make the sound in 3D? I need something to finally push me over the edge.

Lucas Cruikshank, the teen actor who turned his alter-ego character Fred Figglehorn into a YouTube hit and a TV movie for Nickelodeon, will star in a 3D movie for Lionsgate.
John Fortenberry (“Blue Mountain State”) is directing “Night of the Living Fred.” David A. Goodman (“Family Guy”) wrote the script. Production is now under way in Los Angeles.
Cruikshank also will star in a half-hour Nickelodeon series. [TheWrap]

Blue Mountain State, of course. I think I can imagine how this went down:

LIONSGATE EXEC 1: We need someone to direct a movie.  It’s a great opportunity and we have to strike while the iron is hot.  But I must warn you: this movie will be aimed solely at children. Its content will be pure anathema to any human adult above 12; slow, severe soul-torture to any being with a functioning cerebral cortex and a drop of humanity.


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