Crappy rom-coms for all races! Hooray for equality!

One of the most frequently-levied criticisms against the modern rom-com (and frequently-levied by me, specifically) is that they’re lily-white. The Big Wedding had a “Colombian” character who was literally played by an English guy with a fake tan. I always thought it spoke well of people of color that they didn’t engage in these love letters to shallow vacuousness, but now that’s over, because someone (writer/director/novelist David E. Talbert) has gone and adapted the shitty white rom-rom formula for black people. In Baggage Claim, Mission Impossible IV co-star Paula Patton stars a woman who desperately needs a date to her younger sister’s wedding (because how embarrassing is it when your younger sister settles before you do!). But she doesn’t want a new man, so she’s revisiting her exes one by one to see if any of them have magically become husband material (you know, just like Anna Faris in What’s Your Number). It shows what happens when people stop being (*record scratch*) and start getting (*whoopie cushion*). The twist this time is that she’s a stewardess, so she can use all her airline contacts to tell her when her exes will be flying. Okay, I guess it’s not really a “twist,” per se, just a way to justify the pun in the title. She’s got baggage, get it?!? In more ways than one! (*slips on banana peel*)

This really has everything a crappy rom-com needs:

  • Sassy friends
  • Sassy gay friends
  • Pun title
  • Shirtless dudes
  • Characters that are all rich doctors/lawyers/architects
  • Sweaters with collars
  • Literal soundtrack music
  • Finding love that was there all along

Hooray for equality, I guess? But let’s remember, this is about equality of opportunity. I hope to see the day when people of all races and creeds have the opportunity to make crappy rom-coms, and choose not to. As the great philosopher Chris Rock once said, “Just ’cause you can do it don’t mean it’s to be done. You could drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good f*ckin idea.”

Also: How is poor Adam Brody stuck making crap like this? I always thought he was legitimately likable. How Shia LaBeouf gets to work with great directors and books million dollar blockbusters while Adam Brody is stuck playing the sassy gay friend in third rate rom-coms I’ll never know.