Comments of the Week and DISH network spam

This past week, you FilmDrunkards were your usual clever selves, AND the Dish spammers were back. God, I hope they never leave. Let’s take a look back at this week in FilmDrunk commenting.

From Paranormal Activity accidentally screening at a showing of Madagascar 3:

allthatjazzercize: I can’t believe this actually happened, but I definitely don’t think it’s a made-up story. A similar thing happened to my DISH coworker, but it wasn’t this drastic; she just got a taste of The Watch instead of The Dark Knight Rises. It’s just that movie theater management has gone down as much as the price of tickets has gone up! I don’t get why people even bother with theaters anymore. I always opt to just watch movies from home. I’m never limited on choices either, since I have the Blockbuster@Home service through DISH. I bet the parents of those kids are wishing they would’ve just stayed home now that their children are scarred for life! :O

I suppose it’s fitting that the fake advertorial comment starts off defending the fake viral marketing news story. By the way, is anyone closer to using Blockbuster@home service from Dish? I’ve been ridiculing this method of advertising, but I can’t deny that it’s on my radar now.

Okay, on to your winner. From Credit card thief earned $70K a week slithering around on theater floors:

Erswi: Good thing he didn’t try it during Magic Mike. Poor sonofabitch would still be slipping and sliding on that flume ride of a theater.

I mean Magic Mike references, implied wet vaginas, log flumes – this comment really had everything. Cheers to you, Erswi.

Honorable Mention:

From 12-year-old Ryan Gosling plays the drums, melts the panties off Canadian morning show host:

Chino Moreno: Hey girl, I’m not really a sex cymbal, I just play one on TV.

Come on, that’s just high-level wordplay right there.

From Hobbit running time just shy of three hours:

Moose: The journey to Lonely Mountain will be shown in real time.

Jangles: With Bill Maher?
Jewso the Hobbit: “New Rule: Until Chris Christiebuck looks like he ate Denny’s out of Shire Sausages, we have to stop at one goddamn breakfast every morning. New Rule: If she wants to teach abstinence only sex-ed, Sarah Palinfoot’s daughter has to lock up her hobbit hole. Validate me!”

A Hobbit Bill Maher, simply divine.

And finally, my two favorite threads of the week. First, the fired, former porn-star teacher, a shaved blonde with big naturals:

CapnRon: If she can fake a orgasm on film, take after take.. let her teach science. Those kids deserve an animated, yet informative take on an under-performing subject.

Charlie Br0nze: There should be a vigil for her and it should probably involve masturbation. That’s what happens at vigils, yeah.

Harlie: There’s a Desk Lamp vigil going on in every one of her male student’s bedrooms.

jangles: She’s smart, ‘smart’, sucks dick and makes sandwiches? The first person to clone this wonderful woman is going to win every Nobel peace prize for the foreseeable future.

sdjaks: For all future articles, please refer to her as the Oxnard Cumma.

Only a FilmDrunkard could combine porno with obscure punctuation rules.

ChinoMoreno: I hope my employer never finds my birth video which, coincidentally, is also titled Supersize My Snatch.

And my other favorite thread, the Shawkshank Omelette:


A Cup: I’d like to tell you Andy cooked a good Denver and the Sisters left him alone. I’d like to tell you that.

ChinoMoreno: Sure beats The Sisters’ corned beef hash.

Roddy Piper: Yeah. The funny thing is – on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a cook.

Erswi: Me? My sous chef f*cked me. Everybody’s a maitre d in here. Didn’t you know that?

I don’t think I’ve ever heard “corn-beef hash” used as an anal rape euphemism before. You guys teach me new things almost every day. From the bottom of my vulgar-pun loving heart, sincerely, thank you, FilmDrunkards.