I’ll be honest, I mostly hate writing this post every week, because it takes forever. But you, the FilmDrunkards, you simply could not be denied this week. Your cleverness compels me to share you with the world.
But before we get to that, we got some entertaining hate mail this week, and I didn’t even have to insult Tom Cruise to get it this time! Thanks, Google News! These would hurt my feelings, but an uplifting Miley Cyrus tweet once told me not to mind the h8rs. First up, a somewhat innocuous Bible aside brought this out in Russell Crowe in Darren Aronofsky’s Noah:
Sword of CUT :
Oh Vince Mancini! Your style is so irreverent and delightfully quirky! But are you sure the world is ready for your devilishly incisive mockery of religious documents? And the way you veered off at the end and made a comment on the cuteness of puffins RIGHT AFTER suggesting that Russell Crowe names his deep-fryer. Two childlike and yet winking faux-fancies back to back! How droll!But, Vince, you and I are of course very witty and worldly people… our minds vibrate on a higher plane, no doubt. But don’t you worry that your perfect balance of sarcasm and whimsy will be lost on the greater populace? You are, after all, the only writer on the internet to adopt this unique style. Careful, my friend, or just as in the benighted ages of religious endarkenment, you may find yourself stoned to death by true-believers as punishment for your daring and original take on modern culture.
Yeesh, that was the most articulate yet vague death threat I’ve ever received. I can’t lie, I do love the word “endarkenment.” And it garnered an equally sarcasm-drenched response:
f*ck up idiot:
Ooooooooo bibble boi so angy!!!! Y? R u :( because u half to have sex through a hole in a sheet you hymn singing mo f*cka lol smh u a cry baby goof have fun talking about loafs of bread and miracles and salmon loser!!
As Ace Rimmer said in his nomination, “‘Have fun talking about salmon, loser’ is up there with ‘COMMON SENSE, fag’ in my book of great internet burns.”
Next up, I should’ve known being casually dismissive of Dave Mustaine and his conspiracy theories would earn me some new haters.
Matt Shaw
are you fkin kidding me? This article and the idiot who wrote it should get the fact right before vomiting at the mouth. FIRST of all, Dave Mustaine did not endorse Rick Santorum. SECOND: “hasn’t been musically relevant in years” who are you trying to fool? Last time I checked, he’s still selling records, and playing concerts to crowds of over 80,000 people!you have no relevant facts to back up the garbage you spill
And here I thought linking a news article entitled “Dave Mustaine endorses Rick Santorum” would qualify as checking my facts. I can’t argue the second one though. Maybe I’m still bitter about wasting 12 bucks on Youthanasia.
Same post:
NolianOpinian
The obamagovernment hires gun mans for mass shootings: in order to gear up for a campaign to finally ban firearms to the comman man. I believe this is his only was to make illegal the sale,use, and ownership of guns. Shortly after the law is passed and 90 percent of guns are successfully ceased. The government will take total control. And we can’t fight back.
I really hope that was supposed to be satire. I almost never buy conspiracy theories. Conspiracy requires intelligence, forethought, and cooperation. Have you met people? People are idiots.
This one from Juggalos Fight Back Against the FBI isn’t really “hate mail,” but it was worth sharing nonetheless:
Greg Barnes: whoop whoop f the fbi they dont know what we can do and f*ck the police they think we all are a gang and they think i am part of it so what f*ck them mmwcl fam whoop whoop
F*ck the police, f*ck the FBI, and f*ck punctuation WHOOP WHOOP. I love Juggalos.
Speaking of lack of punctuation, there was this from the trailer for Frankenweenie:
821mrjamie:
Who cares if 1 or 2 minor things are coppiced you can look at every film and say that hunger games was just twighlight fan fiction gone wrong Tim is an artist and isn’t the one forcing the advertising down your throughts thats the black and white devils at Disney he realy should have signed with wb to do this they are more supportive and it isn’t aimed at kids it’s aimed and 11-15 year old people who like quirky dark stuff love jhonny Tim and Helena there the dream team for a fab film
Is it wrong that I read that as a malfunctioning WB robot? MEEP MORP MOESHA WAS AN UNDERRATED SHOW BEEP BOOP.
Okay, enough hate, let’s get to the good stuff. For this week’s winner, I went with the most straightforward observation, something that made me slap my own head for not thinking of it first. From Juggalos vs. The FBI:
Patty Boots: “We’re not violent,” says the guy named Violent J.
Yep. A close second, Token Black Guy in Shia LaBeouf says working with studios is like a finger up the butt:
TokenBlackGuy: Well now we know where the one he lost went.
Indeed. We also had many good suggestions for possible Bourne sequels. ‘quels, as we call them.
Rawhead Wrecks : 45. Jason Bourne is killed but Jeremy Renner’s character has to drag him around, pretending he’s still alive, to fool the villains and save the world – Weekend at Bournesy’s.
Dhux : 49. Jason Bourne and Kiss hunt for the Loch Ness Monster
demapples: bourne vs bourne : jason bourne fights for custody of other peoples children, climaxes when he remembers that he can make a mean breakfast
From Robocop is a Transformer who fights Al-Qaeda now:
JohnQ:
“He goes from “social mode” to “combat mode” and back. Full transformation.”I hope his social mode is just regular Robocop in a smoking jacket, holding a martini glass, with lounge music playing through hidden speakers in his back.
Robocop only knows two things, justice, and an old school bachelor lifestyle.
McNulty : Robocop can’t stop tweeting while in Social mode.
procrasty : You have 140 characters to comply.
Nice Voltron joke there, that was more than the sum of its parts.
Also from Juggalos v. FBI:
Homo_Erectus: Your onion, my home-girl, Nipples tha Shag, aint done nothin’ more than wear her broken clock jersey and point a simulacrum, that is to say, a ficticial gun at the camera, and now the FuhBee got her on like the Most Wanted list, when she like only most wanted to see topless, amirite? *holds hand up for high five*
From Jonah Hill takes pictures of a lady’s placenta:
Erswi: Did the confusion set in before the EMT could even close the door?
I hate you for making me remember a Live song, but nice placenta reference.
And finally, a JCVD impression to honor Van Damme’s admitted affair with Kylie Minogue:
Jessolido:
JCVD: I yam goeeng to be in diz movie.
Execs: But there was no French character in the Street Fighter Games…
JCVD: Zat is why I will play de Hall Hamerican ‘ero, Guile! Also, I want to make sexes wit da ‘Locomotion’ geurl!
Execs: (Amongst themselves) Did you guys see ‘Bloodsport’? This guy could beat us half-retarded… better give him what he wants Okay, Jean-Claude. I assume we’re going with your standard contract demands?
JCVD: Dats right. Seffen meelion and two scenes wit da splits
Indeed. Okay, that’s all for now. Thanks for another week of not making me want to kill myself, you guys. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to write for YouTube. Or the Gawker network.