The Comments Of The Week banner image has been a variation on Frotcast regular and FilmDrunk contributor Matt Lieb for three weeks straight, and I thought why stop now? Especially when we have this amazing side by side of Matt Lieb and his feline doppleganger, Cat Lieb (aka Stache Cat, from a Redditor). Same mustache, same body type, hell, they even wear the same glasses. I had to text Matt just to make sure he hadn’t been turned into a cat. He responded back meow meow something with a tuna can emoji, so I’m pretty sure he’s alright. That’s classic Lieb. (Thanks to commenter Martin for that find).
Anyway, new FilmDrunk t-shirts aren’t ready yet, so let’s just get into it. As always, NOMINATE FOR NEXT WEEK IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW. Looks like we doubled down on novelty accounts in the Stop Saying Your Movie Is About Family thread:
BurnsyFan66: Vince, don’t be mean to Hollywood just because you’re mad at your Dad. Please give him a call, he still loves you even though you’re a blogger.
Vince’s Dad: No I don’t.
There was also Boston stuff, in the Marky Mark plays an English prafessah threads:
GlennBeckHasAIDS: “Awright class, face the fackin’ front of the room and say ‘O Captain, My Captain’ to this awtographed photo of Varitek punching out that fackin’ queah A-Rawd”
John Chimpo: “YO, I GAWT YA DANGLIN’ PAHTICIPLE RIGHT HEAH, YA BOOK READIN CAWKSUCKAHS!”
Schnitzel bob: It was a relatively quiet autumn morning at the free clinic on California street. An orderly came into the room to change the bedding, all but ignoring the sole occupant. That was fine. He liked being alone.
He sat by the window, watching dead leaves aimlessly float on the breeze. He enjoyed the fall for it’s melancholy, even if the cold, damp San Francisco air managed to easily work it’s way under his skin.
He looked down at himself. The sweatpants were out of necessity, but he wished desperately that he owned a pair other than these current ones, which had grease-stains concentrated around the crotch for reasons he preferred not to get into.
His jacket was leather with tweed patches on the elbows. The old Simpsons joke rang in his head:
“You’ve ruined a perfectly good jacket!”
“Correction, I’ve ruined two perfectly good jackets!”
No one ever got it. He wondered, not for the first time, if the jacket was a bad idea. He yawned. The gesture exposed his double chin, which was the first sight the doctor saw when he entered the room.
The doctor recoiled briefly before regaining his composure. “So tell me” he started, “what exactly were you thinking when you…” He paused and looked at his chart once again to make sure it was what he thought he’d read. He sighed “… when you inserted your penis into a McRib?”
The patient had already gotten over him embarrassment. He rationalized his actions in his own way, and wound up satisfied with his own explanation. He half-smiled. “Oh, you know. Just trying new things”.
The doctor just stared. “Well, other than a few minor burns and lacerations, you’re free to go. Take it easy over the next week and you should heal fine”.
“Great!” The patient went to shake the doctors hand, who took it unenthusiastically.
As he left the clinic, he spotted a familiar ’93 tercel and guessed that it was his ride. He walked up and entered the passenger seat. “Vince let you borrow his car?” He said to the driver.
“Yeah”, Matt replied. “I think he said something about needing both of us weird f*ckasses back at the office or something”. Matt paused and looked at Laremy. “A McRib, Laremy?”
Laremy finally felt a tiny bit of shame over what he’d done. “What? We were talking about it the other day, and you had such enthusiasm that I couldn’t help myself! Besides, it’s not like you never have weird urges.”
“Yeah, but my… I don’t know, Laremy. It’s different. It’s different”. The drove away in silence, each knowing that while they knew each other better than just about anyone knew either of them, they were still, in some ways, miles apart.
If you only knew how accurately rendered both Matt and Laremy are in these…
From the ASU Frat thread:
Chareth Cutestory: This is just like that time Chad sued the Black fraternity for libel after they for wrote an op ed in the student paper condemning him for streaking the Trayvon Martin vigil in blackface.
Anyway, they had to pay Chad $3 million and are closed down now. Classic.
From the Unbroken trailer:
Watanabex: wow his story sounds like a true triumph of the will
Verbal Kunt: I’m sure this movie will be very tightly edited. Jolie has no problem cutting out stuff that looks pretty, but doesn’t serve her much anymore.
I want them to have to prove they aren’t sluts or whores in a courtroom.
Did you or did you not give Mikey Blalock a handjob behind the utility shed after gym class?
“ladies and gentlemen of he jury, I will show, beyond doubt, that these two girls are, in fact, whores.”
*proceeds to rip open shirt, point at abs, and order jagerbombs for the girls*
“Your honor, they have Snapchat. Need I say more? Well, I will anyway.These girls are whores!”
“[T]here’s a tremendous amount of language.”
That describes everything Sorkin has ever written, including post-it notes.
My favorite part of Christmas is the Christmas Bunny, or whatever.
i like when you decorate the christmas hamster and put the old boots in a firepit and krampus brings you socks
And finally, the week’s most esoteric and self-referential comment, from Air New Zealand’s awesomely dorky Hobbit-themed safety video:
…Australians are drunk and filthy.
“Vince, you hipster dipsh*t! Crawl out of your scarf-flipping almond-milk chai of a neighborhood for five seconds and you’d see that Australia has many esteemed universities and is on the leading edge of major agricultural and medical technology and is not at all racist!” -Down Underball
I thought about trying to explain that for the newbies, but… nah. I don’t even know where to start. As for the winner, since this week was solely about bragging rights… let’s call it Chareth Cutestory. I mean Schnitzel Bob can’t win every week.
Nominate for next week in the comments below.