Comments of the Week is back, and I’m giving away FilmDrunk shirts (BUY YOURS HERE) to each week’s winner. We don’t have an upvoting function yet, so in the meantime, you’ll have to bookmark this post and paste your favorite comments in the comments section, from which I’ll choose each week’s winner. Got it? Good.
Before we get to this past week’s best comments, I wanted to give a shout out to all the commenters who felt the need to defend the Ernest movies from Matt Louv, a man who cares about the Ernest movies enough to write in-depth reviews of all nine of them:
gally: Hi, I’m Matt Louv. I don’t realize that things have changed between 1987 and 2015. Ernest was a big flop, because it only made $23.5 million at the box office. What’s that? Of all the movies that came out in 1987, Ernest goes to camp finished 50th overall? Weird.
Oh, and what’s that? People watched movies on TV and rented movies at the video store? Huh. Weird. It’s so weird that I’m so out of touch with reality.
One of the joys of the internet is trying to wade through 10 levels of sarcasm to figure out which part of a thing someone didn’t get.
Kevin Kling: dude u jaded entitled douche bag u know the world back then was soooooo much better than what u proggessive overly permissive liberal terrorists have turned this planet into this place is a dump with dang unnormal weirdos this place was bad ass 35yrs ago compared to what it is now
Is that you, Gary from Fremont? And finally, Shawn here took the concerned dad approach:
Shawn Piatek: Matt, I think you’re looking at this all wrong. Varney created the character and the movies to entertain children. I’m sure Siskel and Ebert skewered the film in 87, too… you know, when I was a 12-year-old who laughed endlessly at the movie. My children are all around that age now. I cringe at what they watch and laugh at – mostly because I’m an adult who’s college educated, have experienced life and possess fully developed intellect. Of course, I laugh at a lot of things my kids call “dumb.”
In summary – you’re looking at this film with the wrong eyes. The film hasn’t changed, you have. I would venture that kids would still find it to be funny. You’re too jaded by time and socially aware to just enjoy something simple and silly.
Don’t try to discuss films, silly! Just yell “See? It’s for kids!” and run in circles around the living room armpit farting.
Now then, onto this week’s honorable mentions:
Verbal Kunt: If I wanted to watch a movie about a tiny fairy with inexplicable magic powers I’d watch Edge of Tomorrow again.
I can’t resist a Tom Cruise joke.
Boobman5000: Now I know how fundamentalist Muslims feel when they see people drawing Muhammad.
AB: Weird, that ancient proverb sounds just like words on a tapout shirt.
AB: Studio Exec: Okay, so this is where you tell me all about how the original rules, and yuppie insects like me shouldn’t be remaking this flawed but classic film, right?
Target audience member 1: No.
Anthony Keidis: waste of time.
Target Audience member 3: We’re just gonna f*ck you up.
Much like a Tom Cruise joke, I can’t resist a reference to Anthony Keidis’ acting.
From Jeremy Piven Seems Cool, this burn is so sophisticated it’s holding it’s cigarette holder with the pinky out:
A Lannister Always Spays His Pets: I’m guessing Piven needs bronzer for his ankles because that’s the only part of him that isn’t entirely up his own asshole.
I like to imagine A Lannister Always Spays His Pets taking a long, satisfied sip of pinot after that one. This next burn, by contrast, is the opposite of sophisticated, but I’m downright ashamed at how hard I laughed at it:
Verbal Kunt: Kevin Dillon looks like someone injected a retarded baby with a lot of growth hormones.
Biggest belly laugh in weeks there, if I’m being honest.
Our first Shut And Take My Money feature, on DelightWipes, an all-natural post-coital wipe, seemed like one of those fish-in-a-barrel posts. Sure enough, it did produce this week’s winner. But first, another honorable mention:
Buttockus Finch, Esq.: In case somebody cums in the land down under and you want to clean between the cooch cushions. Now in stores: Clam Wow.
It’s weird, just one of those puns is terrible, but combine them all and it starts to approach art. And finally, this week’s winner:
Stallonewolf: The only thing I need to wipe post-coitus is my partner’s memory.
Yep. That didn’t necessarily make me laugh as hard as Verbal, but it was just so streamlined and perfect it all but made every other comment on that post unnecessary. Oh, and just to further praise Stallonewolf, he had a near-perfect summation of this past week in movie:
Stallonewolf: Between Aloha [starring Emma Stone as half Chinese, half Hawaiian fighter pilot Allison Ng] and San Andreas [starring 29-year-old Alexandra Daddario as the daughter of Carla Gugino and The Rock, both 43], this weekend’s got the “Confusingly pale daughter of a Pacific Islander” trope locked up.
Yes, I wished you all could be Stallonewolf and Verbal this week. Well done, everyone, ass pats all around. Sorry for laughing so hard at that joke, Kevin Dillon, everyone says you’re nice.