Comments of the Week is back, and I’m giving away FilmDrunk shirts (BUY YOURS HERE) to each week’s winner. We don’t have an upvoting function yet, so in the meantime, you’ll have to bookmark this post and paste your favorite comments in the comments section from which I’ll choose each week’s winner. Got it? Good.
The more popular we get, the more flipper babies wander into the comments section to complain about hipsters or inform us which actresses are fat, but thank God we’ve still commenters like Verbal Kunt and Chareth Cutestory around showing us why we even bother allowing comments on articles. Chareth would probably have won this week if he didn’t already have six FilmDrunk shirts, but that doesn’t make this week’s winner any less worthy. From my Far From The Madding Crowd review:
BackToTheSutures: A B? Seriously? I give this review an F. This Vince guy needs to go back to doing fanboy reviews of dumb comic book movies or whatever his usual schtick is. If you haven’t read the book why are you even bothering reviewing this? Obviously this wasn’t made for you. It was made for the ACTUAL fans of Thomas Hardy who can appreciate that all of your so-called “yearning and pining” is setting the stage thematically for Tess Durbeyfield’s eventual sexual liberation in Tess of the D’Urbervilles: Phase the First: The Maiden: Pt. 1: Catching Fire in Me Bloomers in 2017. Go read a book before you go and trash a classic piece of literature you mainstream stooge.
Outraged Victorian Literature Fanboy is the commenter schtick we need. A close second non-Chareth comment was this one, from the Porn Stars Now Have Branded Marijuna Strains thread:
Talking Can of Vegetables: Fun fact: “How many pocket pussies can one guy buy?” was the original opening lyric to Dylan’s “Blowin’ in the Wind.”
That one made me laugh the hardest. I think it’s the Bob Dylan visual. Ah, but speaking of Chareth, and going back to that Far From The Madding Crowd review (in which I referenced Gropecunt Lane)…
Chareth Cutestory: “I look back on those years fondly. Racing my pennyfarthing down to the nickelodeon. Playing with my hoop and stick. And, of course, groping c*nts like a man possessed, which was the style at the time you see.”
Chareth Cutestory: *gropes c*nts with such feverish gusto that they name a street after it*
“Now ladies, put on sixteen layers of petticoats and this dress that’s literally a cage.”
Schnitzel bob: This is my Joe Sinclitico freestyle:
Well I got a story that I wanna get of my chest,
I was out groping c*nts like a man possessed
Had to grope c*nts cause I couldn’t grope breasts,
But let me tell ya, groping cunts well it’s just the best
Chareth Cutestory: Oh, great. “Gropecunt” is now on autocomplete on my phone. This will certainly not come back to bite me.
Chareth Cutestory: [texting grandmother]
“Hi Gropecunt, just checking in. How’s Florida?”
Oh, an Chareth in last week’s comments of the week thread:
Chareth Cutestory: Machine Gun Kelly looks like a samurai who was bravely crushed to death when he forgot to put his Scion in park.
Chareth Cutestory: Machine Gun Kelly arrives to pick up your daughter in a lowered pedicab piloted by a person described to you solely as “my boi, Dank.”
Talking Can of Vegetables: Forever 21 Jump Street
The Jersey Devil: If you’re looking for a summer getaway, and you’re into jailbait teenage girls and relationships teetering on the edge of panic, then this place is JUST for you.
Australia’s hottest new club is Strangerland! Opening in July of 2015, this abandoned-looking building in a remote, dilapidated outback town has got everything: sweaty people with accents, giant red dust storms, Hugo Weaving . . . and if that’s not enough for you, they’ve recently added Poetry Slam Night with VADGI.
What’s VADGI, you ask? That’s that thing where people get up on stage and read excerpts from new dinosaur erotica books from Amazon like “Space Raptor Butt Invasion” while people sob uncontrollably and beg them to stop.
I don’t know how to pronounce “VADGI”. ;-(
From the teaser for Fifty Shades Darker:
ChinoMoreno: The Fifty Shades Darker thriller is a Benjamin Button remake starring Michael Jackson.
We’ve missed you, Chino.
Chareth Cutestory: “I am Thanos, Swallower of Planets. The day of reckoning is upon-OH F*CK, THAT ONE GUY HAS A BOW AND ARROW.”
Verbal Kunt: OH GOD THAT LADY RIGHT THERE KNOWS JIU JITSU. PACK IT UP GUYS!
Chareth Cutestory: The latest addition to the Avengers is a chubby teen who was All Valley Shot Put. Come within a 20 yard radius of that f*cker and say your prayers.
Stallonewolf: At the end of the day, isn’t Captain America just a super-fit ultimate frisbie bro?
Also, there were some solid Paul Blart Presents titles:
BackToTheSutures: Isn’t his character in Pixels supposed to be the President or some sh*t? Because Paul Blart: Oaf of Office seems like a no-brainer.
Smokey Bear: Paul Blart: The Pie Who Loved Me
Chareth Cutestory: Paul Blart: The Spy Who Loved Brie
nikko_hel: Paul Blart: Casino Royale with Cheese
Neptune or Mars … or Neptune: A View to a Kielbasa
You guys, come on, Paul Blart titles are supposed to be about farts. Ie, Paul Blart Presents: Mixed Martial Farts.
And finally, a big shout out to Verbal Kunt who seems to be as annoyed with the vocal Amy Schumer haters as I am (dude, seriously, no one gives a f*ck that you don’t think she’s funny and/or hot). From Amy Schumer is getting her own HBO special:
NOT AN FBI AGENT: I’m assuming it’s because CC is paying you guys just like they’re paying Gawker for the same brand of textual cunnilingus. Don’t insult people’s intelligence.
Verbal Kunt: @NOT AN FBI AGENT – Shouldn’t you be worrying about the melting point of steel in relation to the heat generated by jet fuel, you tinfoil hat wearing dipsh*t?
Sometimes you don’t need to couch it in jokes or parody and the straightforward approach is best. Thanks for not all being NOT AN FBI AGENT, you guys. And send me your address and shirt size, BackToTheSutures.
Until next week.