FilmDrunk

Comments Of The Week: Metallica-Themed Bowling Teams Edition

Comments of the Week is back, and I’m giving away FilmDrunk shirts (BUY YOURS HERE) to each week’s winner. We don’t have an upvoting function yet, so in the meantime, you’ll have to bookmark this post and paste your favorite comments in the comments section from which I’ll choose each week’s winner. Got it? Good.

Hello, FilmDrunk Commenters. It’s that time again. Before we begin, I just want to say that this Chareth Cutestory comment from the Russell Brand Says Pornography Is Wrong post would probably have one this week if Chareth hadn’t already won a shirt.

Chareth Cutestory: Can’t say I blame him. British porn is weird. Some uncut, pale dude ambles on screen twirling a pocketwatch and is all “Oi, you’s a right fit bird, innya? Place me plumbs in ya gob and hum us tune, eh love?”

I can barely get off to it.

What can I say, I’m a sucker for exaggerated, phonetically-written vernacular. A little subtler, from the same post:

Stallonewolf: I, for one, applaud his decision to stop being a wanker.

Naturally, I did my share of making friends and influencing people this week, in my Chappie review:

Vince Sucks: A movie made for a hipster moron like Vince to praise it while it plummets to the bottom of Rotten Tomatoes and every other aggregate site. “You just can’t appreciate art on this level,” the battle cry of hipster jackoffs everywhere. if you agree with Vince, no wonder no one will notice or cry after your suicide.

I enjoy that he didn’t reference my suicide, but that of those who agree with me. That is some tortured prose. As always, I enjoy that the people who hate me can never seem to decide whether I’m a bro or a hipster. You’d think being constantly called both would make me neither, but… nope.

Elsewhere, from the secret screening of Furious 7, which ain’t about just being fast:

Verbal Kunt: The franchise was never just about being fast. It is a Diesel vehicle after all.

Verbal is the king of dry puns. I think he’s Canadian. Meanwhile, Mike Judge threw Lars Ulrich a bachelor party at a bowling alley, inspiring the title of this post.

Stallonewolf: Fassbender was there? So Lars was only the second biggest dick in the room.

Talking Can of Vegetables: I really hope that random assortment of people actually start a bowling team with a sh*tty bowling pun name and everything.

God I hope it’s “For Whom The Ball Rolls.”

Incredible Tulk: Roll the Lightning

Brock Sampson: …And Justice For Ball.

From Oliver Stone directing an Edward Snowden movie:

Nic Cages T-Rex Skull: “Backspace and to the left-click, backspace and to the left-click…”

That was a JFK reference, for the confused millennials reading this.

From Do You Believe is the Christian crash, stars Ted McGinley and Brian Bosworth:

Talking can of vegetables: We should change the name of the genre from “Faith-Filled Films” to “I Was Once Was Lost But Now I’m Found Footage.”

From the Japanese porn star who ate some poop (which also discussed the phenomenon of “grass-eating men” who aren’t interested in sex):

Leatmoaf: Come on, Japan! Let’s turn these grass eaters into rug munchers!

And finally, this week’s winner. You may remember that this week brought word from our new favorite film critic, Method Man, who wrote of Napoleon Dynamite:

“Now, I hang around nothing but real, you know, killers, thugs, right? I’m like, “Yo, y’all gotta check this movie out.” And I’ve thrown on movies in the past, because comedy is comedy to me. I don’t care if it’s white, black, whatever, but they usually shoot down a lot of the white comedies because they don’t get that white innuendo, whatever. I threw on this Napoleon Dynamite, they looked like they were gonna shoot me down again. I mean, they still use some of the quotes from the movie to this day. From there, it was cool for me to play Walk Hard and Anchorman and stuff like that, you know? Now it’s cool.”

Which seems like sufficient context for this week’s best comment:

Oh My Balls: I hangout with some real, button downed, khaki wearing motherf*ckers and they often shoot me down when I try and pop in some Ty Perry. So once I tossed in Big Mama’s House 2 and I figured they’d shoot me down again but these 401K’d , Outback driving cats loved that sh*t. That opened the door for Car Wash and Soul Plane.

I like what he did there. So send me your address and shirt size, Mr./Ms. Oh My Balls. To the rest of you, great job, and see you back next week. Ass pats and towel snaps all around.

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