FilmDrunk

Comments of the Week: Missing Persons Edition

(Standing in this week for Evan is long-time Filmdrunk commenter and glass-bottomed boat captain, Stinky Pete)

Well it’s been a little while, but it’s time to reward the best comments from the past week fortnight. Ah hell, let’s just call it Comments of the Month. The last time we heard from Evan, he was headed out to score some government cheese right before the shut down (if you’re feeding him and reading this right now, you should know that he’s never going to come home unless you stop). Therefore I have volunteered to step into the breach and get the back pats flowing.

We’ve got a lot of ground to cover, so let’s jump right in with Verbal Kunt‘s appreciation of Will Smith’s  multi-million dollar Winnebago:

This is the best trailer I’ve ever seen that had Will Smith in it.

Next, Nick Taylor doesn’t need to empirically deconstruct anything to know how JJ Abrams can make Star Wars Episode VII great:

Here’s my four. 1. More tits. Total Recall had a three boobed hooker…you’re f*cking Star Wars…5 and a half tit strippers. 2. We’ve had the gritty reboot. No one has tried the oily reboot. Grease that f*cker up. Make it slimy. 3. Mysterious force? How bout Luke spends a whole movie in front of a holographic chalk board figuring out how midget teddy bears overthrew a galactic empire. 4. Tits?

Throw a shirtless saxophone player into your oily reboot and I’ll give you my $12 right now. Meanwhile, commenter Power Clashing didn’t mince words with his advice:

How did they not lead an advice letter to J.J. Abrams with “1. Ease up on the lens flares, asshole.”

I won’t pretend I’ve read Atlas Shrugged (it’s about 1,100 pages too long and there aren’t nearly enough pictures), but I’ll take Vince’s word that this comment by silance is a pretty brilliant send-up of the book, and a much better idea for a Kickstarter drive than the original:

 “Atlas Thugged”

A young Tampa street tough (Channing Tatum) strives to ween himself off of government welfare by pulling himself up by the bootstraps and starting his own drug dealing enterprise.

“Damn, son. Like, I don’t know what b harder to swallow; this government cheese, or all this personal shame. Word”

“But Ma, what’s the bigger crime?! Providing a service in an arbitrarily illegal market in exchange for maximized monetary compensation or, by dragging down my betters, stealing from the world the existence of the next IPhone?”

Tyler Perry has learned plenty of inane things in his 44 years, but none more important than what to do with a museum quality pink-frilled butt plug, as Larry reminds us:

Tyler Perry’s Rule 34: God will make your enema your stool.

Leave it to Chino to find the real point of the latest Drafthouse re-release:

If you get raped twice in the same day, you should probably buy a longer skirt.

Shop 101 is cleared to take off on Liam Neeson’s latest paycheck-grab, which I shall heretofore refer to as Stakes on a Plane:

But what I do have is a very particular set of matched luggage; luggage I have acquired over a very long career in travel…

The first photo from the entirely necessary fourth Transformers movie hit recently, featuring Filmdrunk’s favorite T-Rex impersonator Markie Mark Wahlberg, and inspired some choice reactions:

Mr. Jangles

Based on the cast’s ability to stand around sullenly, I’m pretty sure The Gappening is going to be a quality flick on at least the level of a New Moon or an Eclipse.

Lobster Mobster

I assume an offensive ethnic stereotype robot will be along shortly to supply the grass since they’ve got gas and ass covered.

dickimaa

FAHK YOU STAHSCREAM BOTH OF YA TRANSFAHMATIONS IS QUEAH AS HELL. WE SHOULD START CALLIN’ YOU STAHQUEEN. FAHK YOU. Say hi to ya motha fo’ me.

What can I say, I’m a sucker for a Southie accent.

In financial news, Charlie Hunnam would rather walk away from a measly $125,000 payday than spend two hours spanking Sonny Crockett’s kid in the 50 Shades of Grey movie, which appalled Chopper2:

That’s only $2500/shade.

But fear not, Anastasiologists, for Larry has the perfect replacement:

This saga ends with Armie Hammer complaining that the critics reviewed the movie before they even saw it. Bonus: he already has the mask, and most people haven’t seen him wear it.

Meanwhile, backdoor teen mom Farrah Abraham took a whole lot less money to do a whole lot more with her hind quarters, which has Ragnarok a little concerned:

Ten grand or ten hundred grand – The only thing I think it’s safe to assume at this point is that somewhere out there there’s a cobweb covered crib with a baby husk in a onesie.

(AUTHOR’S ASIDE: You guys do get paid by the word, right?)

Finally, your Quote of the Month encompasses everything you want in a great Filmdrunk comment:  it’s clever, funny, filthy, and only barely related to the original post.  Alison Stevenson subjected herself to a terrible rom com, and the lead character’s passing resemblance to Vince’s favorite porn star is all it took to inspire HarryW to greatness:

“Yo! Evan! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Stone! You know that new sound you’ve been looking for – listen to this!” /slaps dick against woman’s asscheek

Solid work all around, and thanks to everyone for continuing to nominate worthy posts over the last several weeks. You can post your favorites for the next COTW below, we’ll pick our favorites sometime between next Monday and Thanksgiving.

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