Howdy, folks. You all know how this works†, so let’s get right to it. First, before we get to our official comments of the week winner, I’d like to highlight one of my favorite types of comments, the comments on really old posts calling me out for some perceived bias. This week’s example comes from Nightwing, on my April 2009 post about Jerry Bruckheimer optioning a book called Horse Soldiers. Nightwing here doesn’t like me talking crap about special forces soldiers, which he believes I did based on the idea that Jerry Bruckheimer is a special forces soldier. Good times, good times.
Nightwing says: I normally dont respond to such rubbish. However Vince Mancini is a total idiot. Having beeing spec ops, and knowing what the men and women do for our nation, its appauling the idiots can write things such as this slam. while I may not agree with all of Bruckheimers expoits, this is a story people should know of. or maybe we could let the Horse Soldiers take Vinny along on a mission and see first hand what its like to live in that world for a while. Ahhh the smell of sulphur, the sound of bullets ringing, the procussion of the bombs….those were the days… (NOT) Vinny if you want to slam someone, do it from experience.
While he may not have spelling or grammar or basic reading comprehension skills, he does have snide dismissiveness down to a T. They must teach that in special ops school.
Now then. Onto our winner. As we’ve proved time and time again, Full Metal Jacket posts really bring out the best in you. From LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! I’M KNITTING MY GRANDDAUGHTER A SWEATER:
Crow T. Robot says:
PRIVATE JOKER, WHY DID YOU JOIN MY BELOVED CORPS?!
Sir, to knit, sir!
SO YOU’RE A KNITTER?!
Sir, yes sir!
LET ME SEE YOUR KNIT AND PURL STITCH!
YOU GOT A PURL STITCH? AHHHH *clinkclink* THAT’S A PURL STITCH! NOW LEMME SEE YOUR PURL STITCH!
BULLSH*T YOU DIDN’T CONVINCE ME. YOUR STITCH ISN’T FIT TO HOLD TOGETHER YOUR OWN ASS CHEEKS. WORK ON IT.
Well done, sir. Few more, same post:
Ace Rimmer says: “HELL, I LIKE YOU. YOU CAN COME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND KNIT ME A SWEATER!”
Bobby Big Wheel says: YOU CLIMB OBSTACLES LIKE OLD PEOPLE KNIT
Elsewhere, from The Greatest Baby Costume in the History of Man:
Donkey Hodey says: Be on the lookout for a black GMC stroller with a red stripe going 15 under the speed limit with its blinker on the whole time.
ChinoMoreno says: His sister’s costume is just a simple anchor.
I should’ve known you guys would turn that into an Asian joke. Speaking of softballs, remember when Shia LaBeouf got beat up by a fat guy outside a bar?
Moneyfire says: In Quebec all barfights are known as LaBeoufs.
The Luchador says: I always take my shirt off before I pound the beef.
Elsewhere, the new Top Gun may be about gamer dudes who pilot drones:
elle07 says: Hey baby, you know what they say about drones. We go on and on and on and on.
Farthammer says: “Hey Mav, we could’ve had’em you faGG0t n00b!”
Larry says: The zombie is a metaphor, symbolizing the need for Italian stuntmen to unionize.
And lastly but not leastly, from Gene Hackman called Wes Anderson a C*nt:
Willy S says: From the first day on set, Hackman was intimidating everyone… berating… name-calling… the whole gamut. Bill Murray always watched it all from an isolated position, with a smug look on his face and arms crossed. Hackman never messed with Bill–except once. You see, there are two big on-set events no one knows about: one day Hackman punched Wes in the face, and on the same day, he punched Bill in the face too…
*POW* Wes tumbles over in a heap of corduroy, wool, and floppy hair, his hands cradling his Gene-punched nose.
Slowly, Hackman walks over to Murray, who seemed to want to intervene but instead just sat in his chair, glowering at Hackman disapprovingly. Hackman gets right in Murray’s face, and *POW* delivers his second schnoz hammer of the day right to Bill’s grill.
“Dammit Gene, what’d you do that for?”
“I’m just making your wish come true, Bill.”
“I see you sitting over here, watching me all the time. Know what you’re thinking? I do. You’re thinking, ‘I wish Hackman would try that sh*t on me.’”
Thanks for entertaining me and each other for another week, FilmDrunkards. This week’s forecast calls for more of the same.
†Oh, do you not know how this works? Okay, I’ll explain. Every week, I like to highlight our funniest, cleverest, wittiest commenters. There’s a nominating process for comments of the week, and the way it works is, if you see a comment you think is particularly high-larious, you copy and paste it into the Comments section of the previous Comments of the Week post. That would be the post you’re currently reading until November 1st. You can find by bookmarking it, or it’s always linked under “Comments of the Week” on the sidebar to your right, or at the bottom of every morning’s “Morning Links” post. Get it? If you need more help, feel free to email me naked pictures of yourself and I’ll get right on it.