Comments of the Week

Okay, first things first, guys – I’ve gotta get rid of the rest of these shirts so I can print up some more in all sizes. I’ve still got about seven 3X, two 2X, a bunch of mediums, and a couple each in girls’ reds. Do you fit? Snag one! And for this week’s winner, I’ve got a blu-ray copy of Neil Young: Journeys, from director Jonathan Demme, new on DVD and Blu-Ray. Neil Young is such a good songwriter, you practically forgive him for killing those people in Ohio.

Last week, I was sad at the relative lack hate mail and weirdos, but this week, we’re lousy with ’em! The weird DISH spam is back, AND our latest Steven Seagal post attracted a swarm of totally-not-fake-sounding Seagal defenders. Enjoy:

[From X-Men producer hopes for an Avengers crossover] EatSh*t: F*ck you, you page view whoring bitch of a website. You know this isn’t news. You know this isn’t even a proper rumor. You know you stole this from another bullsh*t movie blog website earlier this week. You know you offer nothing to the world but a pretty CSS style sheet. You know that, when you go home at night and jerk off into your favorite sock, no one will give a sh*t about the tears you leave on your pillow afterward.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, mister, you slow down, our CSS isn’t that pretty. Also, that was one of our least provocative posts ever, so I’m not sure what you’re angry about. But for the record, Burnsy wrote that one.

[From Alex Cross review] Randy Kirklle: I was really excited about Alex Cross when I heard Tyler Perry was going to be in it. I know it’s a new type of role for him, but I thought he was going to pull it off. The reviews seem to be overwhelmingly negative though. Some of my officemates at DISH are still going to see Alex Cross this weekend, but I think I’m going to wait on this one. I do want to see how Perry did in this role so I put the movie in my Blockbuster @Home queue. That way it will be mailed to me when it’s released on DVD, and I can just send it back when I’m done. I’m a fan of Tyler Perry, but from what I’ve read this looks like a rental at best. I hope it’s at least entertaining enough for a rainy day.

That’s way too coherent to be a spam bot, so what’s the other explanation? I’m fascinated by the idea that Dish is paying someone to Trojan horse testimonials about Dish into the comment sections of random film sites. Especially this one, where most of the other comments are literary, vaguely racist fart jokes. Interesting strategy, Dish, interesting strategy.

Okay, but Dish testimonials, they may not be particularly effective, but at least there’s a motive. Try to make sense of this supposedly spontaneous outpouring of support for Steven Seagal:

[From John Leguizamo is still telling his Steven Seagal story]

Rhonda63640: Does this Leguizamoo guy have any kind of career or life these days,or is he just trying to make money going over a made up story about Seagal. I have some friends that have met Steven Seagal and he has been such a wonderful, respectful, caring man. Very soft spoken and does whatever he can to help people. And so what about Sean Connery accidental getting his wrist hurt when they were learning Martial Arts moves for Sean’s movie, It wasnt on purpose. Plus if you actual read the legal documents of the mad up court case that girl filed just to make money off of Seagal, you will see she is a lier. Seagl is a good man and great Martial Artist.

Julieo: Leguizamo…….You need to focus on gettin a REAL LIFE! Your jokes ARE NOT FUNNY about Steven Seagal. I have met him and he is very kind and sweet and cares about other than just himself unlike YOU! There is NO WAY Steven just went in and threw you into a wall. Stop making up these lies and try to get out of grade school by being a bully. It’s old, not funny, and you’re a jerk! If anyone beats you up well….you deserve it for ruining a good person’s name. Don’t be a hater. Try to be nice to people for a change and then maybe you will have a career where people actually go to see you and enjoy it because for now your tickets must be so cheap and people are very desperate in these hard economic times for entertainment that they say well what the hell Leguizamo will kill some time. But certainly isnt funny! Maybe the drinks are FREE!

jasonJ: Seagal has like 1 million friends on his official facebook page…so its more than just them guys.

TonyC: Seagal has many fans [] …I think they out number the people that dont like him. I myself met him one time when he came to a fund raiser we were doing. I found him to be very nice.

jasonJ: Funny Leguizamo…if that story was true you would of had the witnesses there and sued him, But since it is a yet another made up story on Seagal…you just laid there like a B*tch and cried, right?

Rick M: I cant believe you guys think that guy John is telling the truth about Seagal…if Seagal pushed me around Id be running to a lawyer and be rich now. Seagal is a big guy with a dangerous punch, one hit would probably kill ya.

Rick M: I agree, John is a nobody….while Seagal has a current television show running, a movie about to be released in a couple weeks and a CD due to come out. On top of being a cop…how much more of a career do you need.

BarbaraAnn101: Steven Seagal is a gentle, amazing man. I don’t understand the haters on here. I have met Steven….he is very kind, Zen, and peaceful.

For the record, “Rhonda,” “Rick M,” “TonyC,” and “JasonJ,” all have the same IP address. I like to think there’s some pro-Seagal barracks somewhere sharing a single Toshiba. By the way, has there ever been a real commenter with a first a name followed by a series of random numbers? If your goal is to sound legit and the handle you choose is “Theresa67189,” you’re doing it wrong.

Now, onto our winner. I could be biased by how much I love Stephen Dorff’s crazy e-cigarette commercial, but I give this the nod this week:

MickTravis4Life: Can I bum an ecig? Just text it to me.

Nicely done, Mick. Send me an address to collect your DVD. A close second:

[From Robocop set photos go full Westboro with “God Hates Robots.”]



[From Tom Cruise is in a movie with Werner Herzog]


Werner Herzog: “Za stoopeedity uff za common cheecken eez overwhalemink”
Tom Cruise: “Respect the cock!

[From Happy Birthday, Kirk Cameron]

Five dollar.
Five dollar porn subscriptions that cause me to question Satan’s hold over me and throw my PC monitor out with the trash.

And from the callback files..

[From Joaquin Phoenix says Awards Season is bullsh*t, and he doesn’t want that carrot]

Lobster Mobster: Carrots taste bad because they’re used as donkey-dildos in Columbia.

[From Michigan “Batman” facing 15 years in prison]

Patty Boots: At least his lady sidekick wasn’t dressed up as Robin. Who ever heard of a girl Robin?

Yes, those were callbacks. I linked the relevant references. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for this week’s installment. Thanks everyone for not sucking. As always, nominate for next week in the comment section below.