Hey gang, it’s your old pal Stinky Pete the Pirate again. Well it appears I passed the audition, so instead of
sending inappropriate emails to single women on Christina Mingle, er, sailing the Seven Seas, I’m back to recap the best of your comments on the past week’s posts.
We kick things off with the uplifting tale of a Mexican drug lord gunned down by clown assassins at a family birthday party. As if clowns weren’t already terrifying enough…
There were twelve would-be shooters and they all got out of a VW Beetle (that’s a clown joke, not a Mexican joke).
Seems appropriate. Killing the head of the Felix cartel would require big shoes to fill.
JA Rule figured out the most effective way to market his new Christian-themed film, and no, it wasn’t casting Stephen Baldwin and Michael Madsen. The man upstairs got promoted from co-pilot to executive producer on I’m In Love With a Church Girl, which I have to admit, sounds amazing. Commenter Al thought so too:
“…and finally the spiritual breakdown that brings him on his knees to face God one-on-one.”
If that sentence finished with IN THE OCTAGON, I would totally sit through two hours of this.
News broke this week that Netflix had reportedly passed HBO in total subscribers, even as they strove to follow HBO’s model of producing edgy original programming. Commenter silance figured it wouldn’t take long for other networks to follow suit:
“This time on How It’s Made: butt plugs, c*ck rings, and Babby”
Babby may be the only thing formed better than that sentence. I’m still not sure what Al was trying to say about Big Ang’s outfit when she showed up in the latest Backdoor Teen Mom post, but I do know she can take me clothes shopping any time:
The Taut Priggish Bun of Superiority at war with the Dead Furry Shoes of Despair makes me sad, because the Dead Christmas Mice in the middle are in cahoots with the Indestructible Red Clutch of Doom to overthrow the entire ensemble, blue nails and all.
I probably shouldn’t start drinking brandy as soon as I set foot through the door after work. Shut up, it’s only 8:30 for me.
All it took was a change in writers to get the Star Wars fanboy hate machines up and running full bore:
One More Gun
A new trilogy post ROTJ is going to answer all the questions I never had as a kid. Thank god Lucas ended the prequels when he did, before we got to see Darth Vader, hunting and killing the rest of the Jedi, the rise of the Empire, and the start of the Rebellion. Dunno if that material would have been near as interesting as a winged Jew alien haggling with Ras Al Ghul over ship parts. Or the existential questions raised by Jango and Boba Fett’s relationship. Is molesting a child clone of yourself pedophilia, or just what masturbation was like a long time ago in a galaxy far far away?
Speaking of trilogies and terrible ideas, Fox has decided to make not one but three films out of a third-rate wedding themed Pinterest knockoff website. What exactly are they thinking? Jersey Devil might have figured it out:
Huh, and here I thought “The Knot” and “The Bump” were chapter titles from “50 Shades of Grey.”
Finally, there wasn’t a dry seat to be found in first class when Ryan Reynolds flashed his dreamy abs on a flight to New Orleans. Our own Vince won’t be one to hold the poor woman who showered him in regurgitated red wine in contempt:
ALT HEADLINE: “Genius Lady Figures Out How to Get Ryan Reynolds To Take His Shirt Off On Plane”
This post also gave us our Comment of the Week, from honorary air marshal Verbal Kunt:
You just know that if Mark Wahlberg had been on that flight, this never would’ve happened.
Congrats to all the winners, and don’t forget to nominate your favorites below. You can find this post by clicking the link on the right sidebar, or the one at the bottom of every Morning Links post.
One quick note for some of you – “nominating” a comment by replying to it and saying “COTW” is a bit like blowing a tire, then getting out of the car and pointing at it while yelling “Look! It’s flat!” While you may be absolutely correct, you’re still depending on a grown up to come by and take care of it for you properly.