Evan still doesn’t have a byline just yet, but the rest of this post, all the non-italicized stuff, will be him, not me. I swear on this stack of Bibles.

I nearly bankrupted Uproxx with my hiring bonus, so the Winner & Co. get no prizes this week. Does it really matter, though? Aren’t we here for fun? Camaraderie, validation, and the friendly warm tug from a nominating neighbor—that’s why we comment. Commens gratia commentus? It’s all about love, you guys!

Speaking of wanting to vomit, remember that precocious 4th grader who didn’t like the fact that free schools gave him food in between turning his dumb head-sponge into a brain? MorganFreemason sums up the reaction of anyone older than 12:

“MorganFreemason: 4th grader with dual monitors and a smartphone bitching about his food.

I’m going to go crash my car now.”

Godspeed, Morgan. (Am I the only one who liked my school lunches? I’d sneak slices of stale pizza under a bigger slice of stale pizza. I was pretty fat.) But no one hates any kid as much as the people of Earf hate Jaden Weiner Smith. From Vince’s article on the Jabroni Jr.’s hopes for emancipation from parents who DON’T EVEN PUNISH HIM FOR KICKING WILLOW IN THE CHEST (more like whiplash my hair back and forth amirite??), we saw a real team effort:

“Larry: If he’s anything like his dad, he’ll back out of Jaden Unchained and find something sh*ttier to do instead.

CasanovaWong: *Djaden

FastInAtl: The D is silent

Rawhead Wrecks: Which D? Both of them? Ja’en?

The Surly Bader: The one in his mouth is silent.”

Bravo. BJ jokes about 14 year old boys are the best. And since this is probably enough buildup of losers runners-up, here’s your democratically elected winner from Tyler Perry’s Treatise on Golf Cart Ontology:

“ChinoMoreno: I already live life like a golf cart. I hold old men’s bags and let them ride me.”

Simple. Dirty. Effective. Though, if this were a dictatorship and I its Dear Leader, the victor would be Hobo Spices for his contribution to Vince’s coverage of James Deen keepin’ it real in the middle of Farrah Abraham’s ass-wrecked publicity stunt:

“Hobo Spices: She also purchased some Ex-lax in case she decides not to keep the baby.”

See because there was goo in her butthole. You really killed me, Hobo Spices. Keep up the depravity.

To the rest of you: remember to keep your wits about you, and nominate your favorite comments of the week in the comment section of this very thread. For next week, I’m not really feeling this Benz so as long as someone is willing to take it with an ‘UPROXX’ vanity plate, that’ll be the prize.