Comments of the Week/Hate Mail: Searching for Sugar Man Edition

I finally got a chance to see Searching for Sugar Man this week, and while I don’t have a full review for you yet, I can report that its BAFTA and Critic’s Choice Award wins and Oscar nomination are well deserved. If you get through the entire thing without at least tearing up a bit I think you get a prize for being a sociopath. Now, because I’m a nice guy, I have a copy of the DVD to give away for this week’s Comments of the Week winner. And a soundtrack too! Which makes a lot of sense in this case, because the movie is about a musician. *blows harmonica*

For our winner, this wasn’t necessarily the funniest comment, but it was a hell of an insightful critique packed into three or four sentences. From Disney’s Oscar-nominated short, Paperman:

Xander Crews: “So, uh, I think I just got fired. Also, these paper airplanes really want us to bone. Also, if we were going to buildings directly across the street from each other, why were we taking different trains?”

These paper planes want them to bone indeed. Freakin’ magical realism. Congratulations, Xander Crews, now send me your address and collect your DVD.

Before we get to the honorable mentions, let’s rundown some of this week’s hate mail (or whatever you want to call it). From my Beasts of the Southern Wild review, we have this, which may be the most obnoxious FilmDrunk comment ever:

Masters in Education: I have been on this planet for a very long time. Over half of a century. I lived in LA, Ca. right in Hollywood. I have been to viewings at the SAG theater. I come with a bit of experience. Filmdrunk, you must be really drunk off your behind to give this film a C-. Is it just because there is no T & A or shoot em up and kill em in the movie? Or is it that this movie is way too deep for your intellect and you had to think during the film that you gave it a C-. Not understanding that someone doesn’t want to be controlled by the government may be something most people can’t seem to fathom. However that was the point of the movie. There are microcosm communities in the United States that do not want to be a part of this big mess we made. Geez Bend for one.This movie has done an outstanding job of conveying a very poignant message using realistic fiction. Quvenzhane is one amazing little actress for her age. And yet what you found to criticize about her was her name! Really? Get used to it, because I am positive that you will be seeing it in the future! I stopped watching the SAG awards a few years back. To me there was nothing really worth watching it for. This year is a totally different scenario. Because of Beasts of the Southern Wild, I will be watching the SAG. Just because it is an independent film does not mean it is not worthy. Get off your champagne attitude and take a look at the world around you! Finally, a movie worthy of intellect. It has been a really long time! A movie that is truly artistic! It has been a really long time! I own the DVD and have played the movie many times and will continue to play it again and again. My grade: A

I’m not sure what I like best about this, the fact that s/he used his resume as a commenter handle, or that she thought the point of Beasts of the Southern Wild was about not letting the government control you. In retrospect, it could be some kind of pro-SAG spam.

Next up, from a four-year-old post about I Hate Valentine’s Day:

Eirinaki: You boneheads forget that every other word you use in English comes from Greek, which, as far as I am concerned, marks you all for the ignorant bozos you are in the crap you’re trying to fling at Nia, but, then, the ancient Greeks were right: everyone who is not a Greek is someone who goes “bar-bar”, that is, y’all nasties are just plain barbarians.

Does “y’all” come from Greek? I’m just a yankee bar bar, so I don’t know these things.

Speaking of foreigners hating our freedoms, you can’t have a Hugh Jackman post without an angry Hugh Jackman defender (I honestly don’t know what it is about that guy).

IT: You Americans are able to do only 3 things and are all useless: war, gossip about sexuality of people you don’t know personally and collect guns like stamps. Yes, just as it would be for anyone in the world who can fall victim of endless stalking media, Jackman’s family is pissed of being harassed by your f*cking gossip. Let’s talk about something more serious now: how many innocent children are dead today because of your love for guns?

Hey hey hey, we may be gossipy, war-mongering child murderers, but… what was that fourth thing you said?

From Spring Breakers red-band trailer:

Panopticon George: wow, a bunch of skinny ass girls with no asses or curves or bodies for that matter trying to be bad…. Remind my why i want to see this again? If it wasn’t for Harmony and my love of Gummo and Kids I would tell this here movie to piss off!!!

Moving on to the funny ones, sorta, from a 2010 post about Nude Nuns with Big Guns:

Blah lah: Who is the old nun in the beginning with big tits

Perfect combination of commenter name and question.

From Bam Margera went to Iceland to make a terrible video:

Mustafa Dystrophy: This would make a great ad for hand sanitizer.

Funny because it’s true. From Ron Jeremy in critical condition after heart aneurysm:

Larry: My porn name is Cream Abdul Jabbar. It’s because I’m white and I score a lot and I grew up on Jabbar Boulevard.

That might’ve been this week’s winner if Larry hadn’t won the last one of these.

Large: If, God forbid, Ron Jeremy doesn’t make it, the entire porn industry will wear black girls on their faces.


From Dakota Fanning celebrates her 18th birthday by doing a nude scene:

Andy Sexton: Are we seeing North Dakota or South Dakota?

Probably the classiest reference to a nude Dakota Fanning I’ve ever read.

From Mexican Wolverine saved people from burning building in Mexico:

Larry: Who you tryin to get crazy with, ése? Don’t you know I’m Logan?

Watanabex (the actual Mexican who sent me this story): Mexican Wolverine also had the uncanny abillity to put up dry wall for half the cost of American Wolverine.

hothotmeat: I think you are referring to his nemesis, Labortooth.

That’s just perfect commenting right there. Anyway, thanks again for being clever you guys. Don’t feel like you have to be, but it is nice.

As always, use the comments section below to nominate for next week.