Comments of the Week/Win a copy of Things on DVD

Senior Editor
07.18.11 33 Comments

Remember Things? The Canadian horror flick from 1989? Well it’s on sale now, and to promote it, they’ve given me a few copies to give away. VHS or DVD, pick your poison.  I’ll give two for my favorite two comments of the week, and one for the first person who emails me. And if you’re an attractive young girl and want to send a revealing picture of yourself, so much the better, but hey, don’t let me put ideas in your head, I’m just a humble website writer, a firm but gentle lover.

Anyhoo, CRANK IT UP, F*CKERS! LET’S GET THIS COMMENTS OF THE WEEK PARTY STARTED! (*dunks cat into glitter, snorts puff paint*) Your winner, yet again, is ChinoMoreno. I don’t want to go back and count how many of these she’s won now this year, but it’s a lot. And between her this week and Michelle07‘s DJ Skittlecoot last week, that’s two in a row for the ladies. Time to step it up, bros. Here’s a sampling of Chino’s work from this week:

From The Steve Buscemi Dress:

ChinoMoreno says: Yeah, that’s just what I need. One more pair of men’s eyeballs on my rack.

ChinoMoreno says: There should be The Shining panties to cover your axe wound.

ChinoMoreno says: I’ll take the Ryan Dunn PJ’s to wear when it’s time to crash after a night of heavy drinking.

From Ramon from Bang Bus caught with a dead goat in a plastic bag in his van:

ChinoMoreno says: Hey, it’s Florida. It’s perfectly okay to have a dead kid in a plastic bag in your car.

I’m just saying, not many ladies can make jokes about her own boobs AND effortlessly weave in Ryan Dunn and Casey Anthony references. Bravo, Chino. Send me your address.

This week’s runner up came out of left field in the final post of the week, on how Armond White was one of five out of 202 critics to give the new Harry Potter a negative review (for the record, I respect and agree with him more than the vast majority of working film critics, but that’s not what this is about). This is about Crapbasket, and his rarer-than-a-snow-leopard contribution, the elusive earnest FilmDrunk comment:

Crapbasket says: My daughter and I have gone to see all of the HP films, she has sort of grown up along with the cast, from 7 to now 17. But not this one, between work, school, and the love of her life for this week we didn’t get the chance this summer before she flew back home to Iowa. :*(
So get plunder f*cked in your turd nozzle A-Dubs, maybe the franchise wasn’t all about being high entertainment for staunchly verbose uptight overcompensating dweebs to write terse reviews of, but simple entertainment to inspire wonderment and a connection for children and their dweeb parents.
What an assh*le.

That made my bad eye well up just a tiny bit, and not just because I get sentimental when I think about getting plunder f*cked in the turd nozzle. Congrats, Crappy. Send me your address, you beautiful enigma of violent threats and tender paternalism.

Other high notes:

Spazmodic, in Dwarf Pictures from the Hobbit:

spazmodic says:
I got your dwarf Groin right here…
*points to crotch*
*weeps*

Farthammer in Spider-Man has Mechanical Web Shooters Now:

Farthammer says: My uncle once told me “With great power comes…good…whatever. It doesn’t even matter anymore. Nothing matters.”

And for my favorite thread of the week, I had to go with Nikki Blonsky now working at a shoe store in Great Neck, NY. I try to avoid the easy fat jokes with her because she seems nice, but it seems my commenters felt they needed to make 10 more on my behalf.

Burnsy says: She may get her shoes in New York, but she buys her arch supports in St. Louis.

Stinky Peet says: I give it three months before she’s mumbling over and over to herself, “you can’t stop the feet…

Stinky Peet: ‘She’s supposedly working on a project that will catapult her career, something bigger than Hairspray.’
I have a sawbuck that it involves Quentin Tarantino.

Rod Leviathan: ‘She’s supposedly working on a project that will catapult her career, something bigger than Hairspray.’
It’s more of a trebuchet.

Mo Charlo says: Unless these shoes have to be nailed to you, I don’t think her advice is pertinent.

Morton Salt says: Career problems or not, she’s got my respect for going full frontal in About Schmidt.

ChinoMoreno says: Zac Efron is currently selling light loafers.

That’s the beauty of the comments section, sometimes it’s like heckling players at a ball game, where the relentlessness of the jokes is even funnier than any of them individually. More than the sum its parts and all of that. Or maybe I’m just f*cked up like that. Anyway, thanks for going there with me.

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