Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch would like to report a Ninja Turtle sodomy

It turns out that metaphorical rape is an equally-opportunity crime, from which neither men nor women are safe, which is what makes it perhaps the biggest threat facing melodramatic crybabies today. Most recently, Robbie Rist spoke out against Michael Bay’s recently-revealed plan to turn the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into ”

From Rist’s Facebook page:

Dear Michael Bay.
You probably don’t know me but I did some voice work on the first set of movies that you are starting to talk about sodomizing.

SODOMY?! BOGUS, DUDE! Show me on the Ferrari where the bad man touched you.

Look man, I think you have some pretty nifty action ideas (of course on the other side, the minute ANYONE in your movies starts using actual dialog I seem to catch myself nodding off), but seriously, Teenage ALIEN Ninja Turtles?
I know believing in mutated talking turtles is kinda silly to begin with but am I supposed to be led to believe there are ninjas from another planet?
You know that ninjas are a certain kind of cultural charact….
Oh what the hell am I talking to you for?
The rape of our childhood memories continues….. [via TMZ]

I know it’d be more popular and thus more lucrative for me to fall in behind the great, nerd-raging, MICHAEL BAY RUINED MY CHILDHOOD hordes right now, but I just can’t take this argument seriously. Your childhood memories aren’t sacred. They used the ninja turtles to sell you stuff then and they’re using them to sell you stuff now. OOH, BUT I’LL SLIT MY WRISTS IF THEY DON’T LOVE PIZZA! If Bay and the over-earnest nerds kill each other over this, the rest of us will be better off.

For his part, this was Bay’s response:

Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.

Michael [via Bay’s official site]

Everything that made me a fan in the first place? Hell yes! Does this mean I get to be 10 again? I know Lindsay Richardson will let me see her bra strap if I just put in a couple years of solid ground work this time around…

By the way, the best part of Bay’s response? This is seriously the avatar he uses on his website:

My God, the restraint it must’ve taken to crop our the top part of the picture where he’s touching God’s finger, and the bottom where he’s riding a Pegasus. And I have to say, I’m pretty disappointed he didn’t sign his email with (*explosion sound*) like normal. Are we sure this is Bay? It could be an impostor.